LEGACY OF PAIN

Sheikh that booty!

2012-01-11T11:11:00.001+05:00

The day has come that you never thought would come. Yes, reader. I am going to do the unthinkable. I am going to do the irreversible. I am going to uncharted territory without a map, torchlight or condoms. I am wandering into the undiscovered world of new… stuff. Anyway, you get the point.
I am going to thank the former Islamic Minister Shaheem.

Didn’t see that one coming did you? This here is my letter of gratitude to the Sheikh.

Dear Sheikh Shaheem,

I am but a humble student of your Islamic ways. I am but a pupil of your philosophies. I am but a follower of your actions. I am eternally grateful for telling, nay, showing me that what I have been feeling for so long is not wrong. I am of course, referring to the recent video that was “leaked” from a “hidden camera”. You’ve taught us once and for all that philandering is okay. You have taught us that keeping my trouser snake in for too long is unhealthy. You have taught us once and for all that getting up close and personal with a woman to play with her fun parts is an important part of our way of life.

All these years of having sex without the bond of marriage, I thought was wrong. I even heard you mention it in one of your lectures that went on for five hours but didn’t seem long enough. Your eternal wisdom should be sprayed on us all, much like the spray that woman in the video would have gotten when you have had your way with her, you naughty dog you.

I always wondered why everyone said sex was wrong and dirty when it was for purposes other than reproducing. But they kept doing it. You, holiest of holy sheikhs, have made the ultimate statement in the form of a question posed for society at large:“Why talk about it when you can just do it?” Or, “just stop talking about it and make a fucking video, why don’t you?”

You may not know this, but I stood up and applauded your balls. Not literally, of course, holy sheikh. I am talking metaphorically. No matter that I was standing and clapping in the middle of the work day in the work place while slacking off from work and watching videos and everyone was confused and looking at me. I didn’t care. The ultimate answer had been given to the age old question. “Do sheikhs fuck around?” the answer that you gave us was quite bad ass, if I might say so. “Watch this, bitches.”

I thank you again, oh sheikhiest of sheikhs. I will continue being a hypocrite. While I might not be able to reach the amount of sheer hypocrisy you have, I can only aspire to learn from the master himself. I will fuck to the best of my abilities and use my balls to their fullest potential. That time I was being literal though.

Your avid fan, narrow minded supporter and lifelong student,

Iya.

The sad song of whateverrrr

2011-09-12T15:12:00.001+05:00

I’ve been listening to a song of late. This song, I find,heard too many times is kind of annoying. Okay I fib. It is, in fact, veryannoying. This is not a song with music attached to it, not sung in a melodicway in which to please our sound receptors. This song is more of a whining. A whiningof a certain group of people.

People who keep telling me that this here Male’ is a boringplace. The song in question is the repetitive complaints they spew out.

"What-EVRRR! This place sucks! How can I enjoy anything without a Starbucks?"

"I'm like, SO bored! Let's go like, hang at the mall... oh wait... you don't have one. what-everrrr!"

and I'm like, "I don't know whats sadder, your complete disregard for your country or your fucking face."

I think words in the form of a rant just seems inadequatehere. Let us try something else here. By us, I mean of course, me. Here is myresponse to you guys in the form of a little poem.

This place is dark, dreary and glum

This place is somewhat a giant slum

Fret do the naysayers and look down their noses

Expecting assorted pleasures on a bed of roses

While one agrees that here, pickings are slim

One must point out that all is not so grim

We don’t have McDonald’s, Pizza Huts or Starbucks

I find it hard to give a shit, a damn or two fucks

While we don’t hang around all day at huge malls

To enjoy life in this part of the world takes huge balls

I may not know the experience of a club or rave

I find such shallow endeavors is not something I reallycrave

While you may claim that we only have coffee after coffee

I just think that’s what you do, being so idle and time sofree

I might not have the fancy life you do, but know this forsure

People here who have purpose, and convictions pure,

Have no trouble filling their lives with meaning andsubstance

You wander around in its complete absence

When you all come back from that three year clusterfuck

I shall still pat your back and wish you good luck.

Schooled, bitches.

Boogle Woogle

2011-08-24T09:30:00.004+05:00

To say that the state of current Maldives is very sad would be an understatement. That seems to be the latest trend, to pick on our great state. Even I could have said that this place is a godforsaken piece of excrement which endorses the public in a false sense of unity and the high paid politicians are shitting in our mouths. But did I say that? No I did not. Not those exact words, anyway.

But come on! Even you guys have to admit that there are NO other countries in which you can learn to do black magic and voodoo. Fuck yeah. That is the shit. Fucking badass.

Official school logo.

Listen to this. The reason why they have decided to bestow this slice of awesome to our naïve and backwards community is because we really have no idea how to defend ourselves from the cocksucking assholes who are joojoo-ing us behind our backs.

Fuck them! We’ll show them, won’t we? Yeah. It’s not like we have any other threats of being, say, being stabbed in the face by a drug deprived junkie for our wallets. Naaahhh! We’ll just take our black magic mojo training, thank you very much!

Starter kit.

And I am guessing we shall surely get our money’s worth as world renowned joojoobee enchanters and universally recognized black magic necromancer banshee dispellers will come and teach us the ways of the boogle life.

Lecturer: Bad Mojo 101

The next time any fucked up knife wielding lunatic comes towards you with that killing intent, break out your spell book and show him what you are made of. Namely blood and fragile flesh.

That’ll teach them.

For shame.

2011-07-31T13:32:00.003+05:00

Recently, the Male' City Council discussed the "nuisance and bother" of expatriate workers who gather on Fridays to the Republic Square. Here is the article on Minivan News where you can read the details or whatnot.

Really, Male' City Council? Really? Nuisance? Bother? You know what else is a bother? You lot.

You are more than a bother. You are more than a fucking nuisance. You are a fucking joke, Male' City Council. Fuck you. In the worst possible way, fuck you all.

Who the fuck do you think you are? These are human beings, for crying out loud. They build your houses. They clean the houses they build. They fucking throw your trash. And you give them flak for going to the Republic Square once a week? Fuck that noise. Do they bother you assholes when they take all the abuse you give them? They live in shacks. Get paid minimum. They survive on scraps of food. They work harder than most Maldivians. You have the ass blasting audacity to call them a bother, you glorified collection of buttfucks?

One of the points against expatriate workers going there, is because they damage the grass? Really? You know what else damages the grass, you imp dicked retards? Get a few hundred protesters on it. Which you do on a regular basis, whichever party you hail from. Fuck this. You fuckwads make me ashamed to be called a Maldivian.

And I see you have a couple of movie stars on your group. They even did that job horrendously. What makes you think you can do a better job serving the people? You turd based life forms are a good for nothing over paid waste of air.

Also, apparently the expatriate workers are committing indecent acts in Sultan Park. You know who else commits these acts, in greater numbers? Maldivians. Fucking junkie motherfuckers and their cockbite girl counterparts. Why don't you address the nuisance and bother of fucking drug infused fucktards having a good orgy or two in the darkness, Mr. Big Shot Film Star?

Just go fuck yourselves. Obviously you would rather belittle and demean a hardworking group of people which YOU LOT brought into the country to do YOUR work than deal with real problems which are happening everyday.

These people get a free day, once a week. They hang once a week. That's not a bother. It's not even a nuisance.

Try and go after the junkies, wife beaters, child molesters, murderers, thieves, muggers, dealers and smugglers first, you clusterfuck of stupid shit for brains fucks.

Next time you are in your air conditioned offices having your personal secretary blow you, take a break from watching porn or cybersexing and look up the word empathy. It just might help you a little bit to understand how to do your fucking jobs which you are paid to do. By the people.

The Feminal Entities

2011-03-06T09:16:00.013+05:00

Feminists. They are some of the finest women in the world. I like them. They are intelligent, open minded, easy to talk to and very civilized. But usually not very attractive. But you know what pisses me off? Feminazis. They are annoying, loud, crass and unreasonable. They tell tales of strong women and weave intricate conspiracies as to how men keep women in low jobs and how men are the enemy of the world. Let me tell you something. If we men never wanted you to, you wouldn't have the liberties you'd have now. so shut the fuck up and leave us the fuck alone. Sure, feminazis are a fucking annoyance, but at least they believe in what they are fighting for. I can respect that. I like a woman with some fight in her. It's cute.

You know what pisses me off to a greater extent? False feminists. Women who pretend to believe in the principles of feminism but are total wankers. Now I know that statement is physically contradicting, but you know what I'm getting at, don't you? I have encountered many faux feminists over the years. I have observed them for quite some time now. But this has gone too far. To the point I'm starting to sympathize with the fucking feminazis. This has to stop. Now.

You know its a sad day when a sexist has to stand up for women. I am conveying this message to all the faux feminists out there.

You know who you are. You speak of empowerment, but you behave like a fucking weakling. You talk of independence but you whine about a lack of a man in your life. You talk of equal jobs for both sexes, but you are fucking incompetent. All of you, listen up. You better start practicing what you preach or shut the fuck up before I introduce you to the back of my hand. That's right. The pimp hand. You know why? Because the world is better off without your bullshit.

That's right. You are a disgrace to women. You are no different than the countless women who act as breeding and feeding machines. You are no different than the millions of faceless women who will leave no significance after their deaths. You are no more relevant than a expired bar of Snickers. We all know you are bullshitting. Why? Because you contradict yourself at every turn. You want to be victimized. You want to be seen as the inferior sex. Stop it. You are setting women back decades. Its disgusting. No, YOU are disgusting. Don't talk about equality if you are just going to play the "I'm a woman" card every time to get out of doing any real work.

If you can't be a feminist, don't pretend to be one. If you don't believe in being an example of a strong woman, don't spin tales of being so. Fuck you. You are the worst kind of person. Even I don't pull shit like that. That's saying something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suddenly being a... non-sexist... un-sexist? Whatever. I'm me. I just don't like them faux feminists, is all.

Always look on the bright side of life.

2010-11-24T12:57:00.003+05:00

Hey there, readers! Are you still there? Did you miss me? Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you guys. Though, that’s not from the lack of trying. Believe you me, I tried.

Sometimes it is very easy to forget the Utopia that we live in. Everything works in its finest form. Sure there are shortcomings here and there, but hey, nothing is perfect. We all have to try and stay positive about things. In these trying times, we have to. Otherwise it is very easy to forget how perfect our system is.

Being the benevolent person that I am, I am here to restore your faith in our community. I will help you see the positive.

Sure there are child raping pedophiles on the streets as you are reading this, but think of the positive; at least the children who survive these kinds of things will be stronger… or is it scarred for life and get their childhood robbed from them? I get confused with these things.

Major drug dealers who get busted with large quantities of narcotics don’t get jail time. But look at the bright side! All the minor drug offenders get life sentences or some shit. We all know that cutting the leaf of the tree will make it stop growing. Or is it the root? I get turned around on tree metaphors.

Well, of course there are a lot of murderers roaming the streets who evaded conviction due to loopholes in the justice system or some shit. But hey… do we really want those gangster types filling up and spoiling our nice jails? Do we? Do we really? Maybe we do. I don’t know… moving on!

Corruption is rampant throughout the country. Everyone knows this. But look at it this way… if the overpaid high ranking people don’t steal our money, then it all goes to improving the quality of living of the less fortunate! Fuck that noise! The day a poor man can come and eat at the same café’ that I eat is the day I lose faith in society. But come to think of it, maybe that’s the right thing to do? Reduce poverty? I mean, what do I know?

What I’m trying to say is, these are big issues. There are big shots behind desks signing documents right now! I am sure they will get around to these issues eventually. Maybe. I mean, they are paid a ridiculously large amount of money so they HAVE to try and tackle these problems, right? Maybe sometime soon they’ll stop all the petty infighting and actually DO something to further develop the country and solve some issues?

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? Or rather, who are WE kidding? These assholes won’t know the broad side of a sheet of plywood if it hit them in the face.

It's just a matter of time till the Devil comes to collect this country's soul. Good thing he's my friend.

Dear Mode

2010-10-04T10:14:00.000+05:00

I recently came across something very disturbing. It’s an article about an article written about an article in Time Magazine. On the cover of this particular Time Magazine, there is this beautiful girl. She has raven black hair, with the tiniest hint of a brown streak. Her eyes have a penetrating look, like she is stabbing you with her gaze through the lens of the camera. But there’s something missing from her face.

Oh, that’s right… she doesn’t have a nose. She doesn’t have a fucking nose. Why, you ask? Because this young woman ran away from an abusive husband and in-laws.

In comes this fucker Ibrahim Mohamed, who starts to criticize the frikking Time Magazine article because the journalist didn’t present the husband’s and Taliban’s side of the story?

Here’s my two cents.

Hey, Ibrahim Mohamed! I’m sure you are a very smart person, judging by the quality of your English. I’m sure you’ll understand what I am trying to relay here. But I’m going to try and be as simple as possible, though.

Go fuck yourself, Ibrahim Mohamed.

I’m guessing a mutilated nose or ear is of no big deal to you. But somehow I’m getting the feeling you wouldn’t like it either if someone cut something of yours out, other than, maybe a chunk of cancer. But a nose, ear, eye, finger or penis… I am guessing not. You want two sides to the story? Here’s your two sides. An eighteen year old girl got her face cut out and the Taliban motherfuckers got a pair of ears and a nose to that human potato head they are making. Oh, there’s another side to this, you fucking opportunist fuckwit, a girl has her life ruined. She will never live happily ever after.

And you have the audacity to turn the funding for her reconstructive surgery into some kind of anti west propaganda? Fuck that noise, Mode. Can I call you Mode? Of course I can. It’s my blog, after all.

People like you are like a cancer, Mode. Not a cancer of the body or a cancer of the mind. You are a cancer on the entire world. Call Guinness the collective bunch of your hypocrites club can claim to be the biggest cancer ever.

I realize I’ve been referencing cancer too much. So I will call you other names now.

You claim that the image of the girl with the noseless face will create hatred for the Taliban, you incomprehensible moron? They are already the most hated people in the fucking world. They are the reason Muslims all over the world are having such a hard time living a normal life. Maybe it’s the senseless killing that the Taliban are into that make people hate them so much. Maybe is the endorsing of acts like beating women to death or throwing acid on their faces. I don’t know, I am just putting suggestions out there. I’m just saying that maybe people ALREADY hate the Taliban because they are responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and the consecutive ruining of countless lives. I’m just saying.

So, Mode, for a smart guy, you sure have made some rather retarded observations. I have the sneaky suspicion that you might be one of those religiously hypocrite types.

I don’t like you. And I hope you encounter bad things. At least I know that we’ll meet in hell.

See you there, Mode.

Marriage proposal

2010-06-28T12:45:00.008+05:00

If Bollywood movies has taught us anything, it is that love knows no bound, limits, or no amount of stalkery and/or harassment. Don’t look at me like that. I know all of you have done it. And if you deny having watched Bollywood movies, you are a filthy, filthy liar. Anyway, as I was saying, love knows nothing. As such, the fates have conspired in my favor and is uniting me and the most angelic of women ever to grace mankind.

I am talking about, of course, my one true love, Angela Gossow. She is coming to see me. That’s right. In the pretense of “performing” at a “rock show”, she is answering the call of destiny and coming here to seek out the other, sexier half of her heart that is me.

Yes, kids, sexier than this.

I thought, as she must eagerly read my blog regularly (it is only logical, as she is madly in love with me too); I’d do the most romantic thing anyone has ever done in the history of… romantic… stuff, and propose to Angela Gossow here. Yes, baby, I know you are reading this. It won’t be long now.

You haunt my dreams. Literally. Even killed me a couple of times in them.

Marry me, Angela Gossow, for I am awesome. Ever since your angelic voice first touched my eardrums and made them bleed, I have been in love with you. Like a fat kid loves ice cream. Like Fareed loves to dress up like a woman. Like how windows vista loves to crash. I know you love me too, Angela Gossow. Why else would you wait for days on end in front of your monitor and wait for me to update my blog? It doesn’t matter that you haven’t contacted me or acknowledge my existence in any way. (can’t let the media find out we are together and have a field day with it, after all, when it is someone as good looking and well endowed as me, they will.) When two people love each other as much as we do, you just know, y’know…

Damn right she knows...

I’ve even photoshopped your face on top of all the pictures I’ve had of women celebrities. And porn stars. Don’t you see? It is not some attempt at a sleazy masturbatory aid. Totally not that at all. I don’t want to want anyone but you. Which is why I was surprised you made a big deal about that vial of bodily fluid I sent you. You accidentally went to the authorities and now they’ve banned me from ever entering your country. Your PR people accidentally put out a disclaimer warning people about me even… funny how that happened. Anyway, I was left thinking, ‘how can I meet my lovely Angela Gossow’s Parents now?’ then I realized, you are planning on bringing them along! I am so excited, I’ve even decided to forgive you for being a vegetarian. And I won’t even try to force feed you beef… much.

kelly Brooks never looked more delicious

Feel that inside your head? That was your mind being blown.

I am so glad you finally decided to come to Male’, Angela Gossow. I already have a plan to whisk you away in the dead of night when no one else will know. For security purposes, not even you may know. I know, I know, it kinda sounds like kidnap depending on how you look at it. But like bollywood has taught us, crime in the name of love is technically not crime. Its love. I know you are nervous. I’m not. Angela Gossow my dearest, I have been waiting for you to get over yourself and get that delicious looking tush of yours over here for quite a while now. You’ve been a naughty girl, Angela Gossow, and you deserve a spanking. And maybe after that, you can spank me too.

One of those posts

2010-06-23T09:21:00.002+05:00

First off, I want it on the record that I am better than you. You the reader. Yes, you. In every way. This is not speculation. This is fact. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. I am the everlasting center of the frikking universe. I am the pinnacle of human evolution. I am the infinite pool of wisdom.

I forget what I was trying to convey.

So instead of that, we’ll discuss something that has been bugging me for a bit. By discuss, I mean I’ll rant here and you will read.

In light of the whole atheist fiasco and the recent headhunt started by my dear friends the fundies, I feel like I should make something clear. This here blog is not an Islam bashing blog. Its not a gay bashing blog. It is not an Amjay bashing blog. But this here blog bashes anything I damn well please to bash.

I don’t kid when I say I don’t trash my dearest religion that I was brought up to believe in. Islam is a cool thing. But I so fucking hate the haabees who are running it now. I say running because that’s whats happening. If I don’t conform to their (idiotic outdated) beliefs, then I am not a muslim. In what world is this logical? Who am I kidding… they don’t care much for logic
But I get sidetracked.

Sure the bearded brothers of fundamentalist Islam are easy target for jokes, but the point it, I can post whatever the fuck I please here.

If I wanted to talk about fuckers with long beards who abuse women and children in the name of religion, I’d talk about that.

If I wanted to talk about how people who don’t give a fuck about the environment are ruining the planet, I’d talk about that.

If I wanted to talk about how the environmentalist assholes act like they are better than everyone else, I’d talk about that.

Too much shit happening to talk about just one thing, eh? What am I asking you for? To make you feel better. I’m always right and I don’t really have to ask. Consider it a courtesy. See, I can be polite when I want to.

So whatever you want to label me, you label me. And whatever you label someone else, go ahead. Because there’s nothing anyone can do about it. But just remember, you are a piece of shit little nobody and I am the sound of reason. I am the epitome of human understanding. I am the essence of awesomeness.

I forget what I was talking about again…

Don't be sad, mate!

2010-05-23T08:03:00.005+05:00

So they say don’t be sad. I have seen the banners. You would too. But it seems that the Adhaalath won’t let us talk anymore. At least not in the way that we want to. And it happens that I have something to say on the subject first.

And being the law abiding citizen and the good sport that I am I have decided to join the spirit of thing and keep things less vulgar than usual. To do that, I removed the bad words or phrases and replaced it with a little explanation to give you, the readers, an idea of what it was.

*ahem*

The Adhaalath can go (violent act of fornication removed) for all I care. Stick a (long wooden object removed) up your (human rear end removed) sideways. Hear me? Sideways, you (reference to fornication removed) little (digestive juice producing organ removed)!

If you weren’t too busy (reference to fornication with oils removed) with animals in your spare time, you might have taken the time to notice that we are in the (reference to fornication removed) twenty first century you (animal fetish enthusiast reference removed)!

Now that I am nice and riled up…

What the fuck is the deal with this whole “don’t be sad” (male cow excrement removed)?

Never mind that children have their childhood stolen, their education stolen, even their (reference to incest with mothers removed) lives taken from them. But of course, there’s no need to be sad.

Never mind that creativity and art are being stamped out because you are too (fornication reference removed)(reference to level of intelligence removed). But of course, there’s no need to be sad.

We live in the (human feces expelling sphincter muscle removed) of the world already, without you (anal penetration removed) us and moving us back a few centuries and wasting all the effort taken to reach this level of development in the first place. But of course there’s no need to be (fornication reference removed) sad.

Wives are being beaten, abused and swapped at the whim of their so called husbands. Women’s rights being violated, women just being generally treated like (combination of urine and feces removed). But of course, there’s nothing to be sad about.

I, for one, am not sad.

That’s right. I am not sad one bit. The time for sadness has long since passed. Now it’s time for anger. And I am angry. You should be too.

Womens Breasts

2010-04-26T11:14:00.007+05:00

Boobs. Boobs are the most important invention since that other thing they invented. Who cares? Boobs.

As you all know, this boobquake thing is awesome. Who am I kidding? Its not only awesome, it may be the single most awesome idea yet this century. Even the PS3 comes after boobs. That’s how important boobs are to us. By us I mean all men. And women. Just humanity in general.

Boobs.

Men will go to any lengths to see, feel, smell or even be near boobs. Why, when John Logie Baird invented the television, it was because he had a vision that many, many men and many, many women will be watching boobs on it someday. Neil Armstrong went to the moon, because he knew that upon returning to earth, he will have a mighty fine catalogue of boobs to choose from.

You know what? Just look at these.

Salma Hayek Cleavage from Hollywood.

Ryan Reynolds hits that. Yeah. Fuck you, Reynolds.

Political cleavage courtesy of Sarah Palin. Dumb chicks have the best boobs.

God crafted boobs with care. These, however were expertly crafted with silicone.

If that didn't make my case, then i shall see you in hell, because you are not right in the head. Also, fuck the Iranian clergy for even thinking that these beautiful things could cause earthquakes. Violent fights, car crashes, infidelity or murder, maybe. But most certainly no earthquakes!!

Divine Intervention?

2010-04-06T04:54:00.007+05:00

In these times of religious propaganda, one cannot help but think about these things. Religious things. Like, God and stuff. The meaning of life, the things that make the world tick. In these wonderings of thoughts, I have realized something of utmost importance. I realize it may not be the most pleasant thing to hear or read, in this case… but rest assured, this is important. Important like cheese is important to pizza. Important like water is important to the ocean. Important like batteries are important to a vibrator. Important like… well, you get the gist of what I’m about to say.

God hates ugly chicks. Yes. I told you it might be shocking and/or unpleasant. But if you really think about it, you will see the sense in this. And I, in all my staggering benevolence, will try and help you grasp this (totally true) concept.

First off, you would like to think that all of humankind is equal. And if you are religious, that god loves everyone equally. See, this is not right. The wealthy and poor prove that not all people are equal, and also are not created equal at that. Children of super rich people are BORN rich. And if you noticed, rich people aren’t ugly. People who started wealth in ugliness have spent a considerable amount of time and a fuckton of money to make sure that they are beautiful. Why does this have anything to do with God, you say? Don’t rush me, dammit!

See, if there are any people who claim that God loves them more than anyone else are our beloved beardies. But the problem is, they are ugly. Like a donkey’s ass when its spurting out yesterdays undigested chlorophyll. What they are in the process of doing is that they have opened up a series of shops all around the capital and are hoping to get enough money to get reconstructive surgeries, breast implants, botox treatments and liposuctions for the whole gang. This is important, because God hates people who look like they left their pubes growing for so long that it migrated north.

The other half is even more disgusting.

Wait… how did an article about ugly people turn out to be about beardies, you say? It’s not. And again, don’t fucking rush me, okay?

Chicks, you need to save up money and get yourself beautified. You know that saying that ‘Beauty is only skin deep”? Well, guess what? That’s the depth that really matters. Guys don’t go for skinless chicks, anyway.

Hot chicks have been blessed by God in so many ways. They get rides and free food and coffee and sex with whoever they want to. I mean who-the-fuck-ever. Hey, ugly chick! You really think your boyfriend wont jump into bed (or another surface) if given the chance with a hot chick? God wants you to be beautiful. If this world is only a test for the afterlife, maybe your test is to be beautiful. I mean seriously. This is for your own good.

They say that this look alone can bring untold orgasms.

Now, I am not saying that all women are man oriented, though most Maldivian women are. For the more career oriented person… God blesses hot chicks with glamorous jobs titles like “movie star” or “singer” or “TV anchor”. All of which are way easier than the pencil pushing job that you are stuck in. You really think Britney Spears made all that money because she was talented? As recent incidents have pointed out, she’s not even mentally stable. It was because she used to be hot. And wasn’t afraid to put out.

So, hey, you don’t HAVE to believe me. Don’t shoot the messenger. Also, don’t be a haabee and behead the messenger either. All I ask is that you think about this. All I have done is taken the (overwhelming) evidence and brought to you a minor tickle of it to you. Live blind while your boyfriend secretly bangs a hotter looking woman with a better job than you OR do something about it. Divide that unibrow into two! Get rid of that acne! Go see a dentist or something to get those teeth straightened! get rid of that gut… nobody likes it no matter how many people ‘claim’ that it makes you look cute and chubby.

Chilli Pages of the Fourth Encounter

2010-03-23T12:28:00.002+05:00

Raspberry peaches with buttocks made of rhinoceros’ teeth told a little birdie that two pantless midgets ran down a gawking truck driving down a road that led to armadillo. Since an innocent bystander might not be able to convince themselves that this lollygagging fundamentalist hair may not be the best Harpic toilet cleaner, they fly into Athens with planes with wings of juice. Garter juice.
Victoria had a secret that everyone wants to gag on. But alas, the big time concrete machine had no immediate next to kin in the vicinity. He had a cup though. And it had 8GB of data. The Trojan pixies had no way of seeing it coming. Kaspersky made sure that they buttoned the calendars with asphalt.
Wonders of another wallet full of nothing. Speakers with magnetic pepper. What is the pizza coming to?

I know I’ve posted something like this before. The reason being, we all deal with nonsense. Every fucking day. But it is those of us who make sense of the nonsense that will get anywhere. It is a part of life. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean anyone has to give up or start blame throwing. Always remember, life is what you make of it. If your life sucks, that means you must suck pretty bad as well. Make sense of this, I dare ya.

Yes, I have thrown you some wisdom. Don't get too excited. I am wise, sure, but I like fucking with people too much to do this too often.

What have I been up to?

2010-02-28T06:33:00.005+05:00

Some of you may wonder what I have been up to, and some of you may not. Well, me and bandey along with a bunch of friends started Space Parade. A video team and we make videos. But fear not. I shall be continue blogging as well.

This one was the beginning. It was shot in under half an hour. In the scorching sun.
Fun Fact: The ball had no air in it.

This was actually our third shoot, but second release. We were already working on post production of the third video when we shot this.

Fun fact: The guy who played Mirus Lee was actually first penned as a bad guy. But the original Mirus Lee didn't show.

And to answer the most asked question about this video, no, he's not really eating the fucking chilli.

This was the hardest to shoot and to edit. While there may be a lot to improve in this video, this is just a start. This little trailer took us a month to shoot. There were various setbacks and injuries, since we are not real stuntmen or actors, I guess.

Fun fact: The fights look so fake because none of us wanted to ruin our beautiful faces.

Vampire Wars

2010-02-27T06:47:00.014+05:00

As most of you know, I am awesome. I consider myself an observer and critique of society and its hypocrisy. This time, however, I intend to ramble of things not of the natural order of... things. This time... ah, fuck it, the heading already spoiled it... vampires.

All that building up for nothing.

I would like to talk about vampires and how they have degraded to the point where they glitter in the sunlight.

Let's look at some of the vampires which I believe are cool.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Gary Oldman played this version. That is awesome in itself, but lets look at the character of this Dracula. He becomes cursed with eternal life and blood thirst after renouncing god. His wife dies, and he just goes "Fuck this noise! Fuck god!" and he kills a cross with his sword. Totally badass. and Just a while before he was doing this, he was out to massacre a few thousand enemy troops. He has three wives. And one of them is Monica Bellucci. And he tapped that, all right. I mean who wouldn't, right?

Yes. That. All night. Every night.

On top of that, he can turn into a freaking man-bat, a wolf man, and is so fucking utterly cool. He can walk in the daylight, but the downside of that is, his powers are weakened. So, Dracula, the Bram Stoker's version, remains one of my favorite. Because he's awesome. and doesn't glitter or brood.

Kain

One tyrant to rule them all. All of Nosgoth, that is. This guy is by far my mostest favoritest vampire of all time. Sure, he likes to drag on the dialogue, but when he talks you listen. You fucking listen. Introduced in the game 'Legacy of Kain: Blood Omen', (yes, my blog is named after a game. Sue me.) and last seen in 'Legacy of Kain: Defiance', he kicks so much ass in the span of five games that everyone lost count.

Would you mess with that? Didn't think so.

Ruthless, cold, calculating and pissed off. That's Kain in a nutshell. But does the character no justice. The character has a rich history and a lot of depth. This is a vampire not to be messed with.

Also, telekinesis. Yes. He doesn't have to touch your or use his sword to kill you and drain your blood. This is one the most badass Vampires ever. You heard me. EVER.

Now for the not cool vampires.

Lestat

This is where vampires started to go wrong. Anne Rice had a bit of a homoerotic fixation I guess. Lestat was first portrayed on film by Tom Cruise, in the movie 'Interview with a Vampire'. Lestat wasn't the main character in that movie, but Louis. Played by a brooding Brad Pitt. This is where the brooding vampires, began becoming popular I guess. The brooding was even taken further by the next film to feature Lestat, portrayed by Stuart Townsend.

If only to prove a point, I'm posting the pictures of Townsend:

and the slightly more manly Tom Cruise:

okay I was wrong. Lestat is a woman in a womanly man's sexually confused body.

Lestat as a character is very weak. sure he's a self proclaimed 'bad boy', and in 'Queen of the Damned', he even gets to have his own little rock band. I'm referencing the movies because I am pretty sure most of you haven't read the book in the middle of those two, 'The Vampire Lestat', in which the history of the character is laid out to us. which isn't much.

I don't know why Anne Rice never focused on Khayman, the single most awesomest character in the entire Vampire Chronicles series of books. Well, as awesome as they get in the gaympire world that Anne Rice created.

And now, all the awesome, bloody mythos of the vampires has been degraded into this... (hows that for a build up, assholes?)

Edward Cullen

Sad state of vampires today.

Words cannot describe this abomination of hair gel and emo brooding.

Just for uploading that photo, I am going to go and clean out my eyes with boiling water after uploading this photo. I can't blame the character, because he's fictional. Instead, I blame Stephanie Meyers. I blame the millions of twilight fans, and the studio making this butchery of vampires into movies. I even blame myself for acknowledging the existence of this glittering pile of excrement as a character.

Even the womanly girlish Lestat wasn't a whiny bitch who was a 'vegetarian'!

Fuck you, Stephanie Meyers!

Coincidence?

2010-01-31T08:37:00.002+05:00

I think not. I mean, just look at it. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Looked enough? Isn't it freaky? Don't tell me you haven't made the connection yet.

A Conundrum

2010-01-15T15:14:00.001+05:00

In a world torn apart by religion, what it one to believe? If one has a question is grounds for sacrilege, what is one to know?

There was a discussion in the office the other day about whether some poll about if Maldives should be a hundred percent Muslim country is blasphemous in itself. One of my co-workers firmly believed that non-muslims were responsible for all evil in the world. I never thought such naivety was in such close proximity to me all this time. So I presented an argument. Along with a hypothetical situation.

Hypothetical situation:

There are two people. Ismail and Gary. Ismail is a Muslim who prays five times a day. Liked by his friends. But Ismail has a child bride and a child sex slave. He also beats his wife and accepts bribes. Because Ismail is a beardie. But by all definition, a “good” Muslim because he prays and speaks in an Islamic fashion and looks at cleavage and ass only secretly.

Gary is an agnostic, or believes another religion. Gary is a fucking saint. He feeds the poor, donates to the needy, participates in community programs, is very charitable and is kind and outspoken among everyone. On top of that, he doesn’t have a child bride, a child sex slave and doesn’t beat his wife.

Yet, as part of being muslim, we have to accept that Ismail, even though a douche of the worst kind, was a muslim and he’d go to heaven eventually. Gary on the other hand, goes to hell, no questions asked.

How the fuck is that fair?

I was called a blasphemer a few times and given judgmental looks. I was told that Islam was the most perfect and peaceful of religions (to which I retorted with examples of violence in the name of Islam) and Islam is a religion in which everyone is equal.

Are you fucking kidding me? That’s when I asked them a question that has been bugging me for a while.

Question:

When a man dies and goes to heaven, he everything he desires and 72 virgin women. (Which I always thought was a bit redundant, because virgins don’t know what the fuck they are doing.) So what happens when a woman goes to heaven? Does she get 72 virgin men? Why would anyone want virgin men?

At this point the opposing party butted in with “she gets to spend eternity with her husband!”.

Again, are you fucking kidding me?

What if the husband is in hell? What if she doesn’t love her husband? What if her husband is Ismail? Does she get to be beaten for eternity? What the fuck?

I can’t understand how having a question or two can make me an “infidel”. I never was one for the “because I said so” argument. I don’t know why there aren’t more people asking these questions. I cant understand why these so called ‘sheikhs’ can’t answer these questions. And when they cant, they call the ones questioning ‘blasphemers’ or ‘infidels’.

You people mock Islam. I really do think Islam is a religion of peace. I really do. But Islam has been twisted by people looking to exploit it for their own selfish needs. To feed their hunger for money, violence, and pedophilia. Fuck you all. I hope you all go to hell. Because I’ll be waiting for you there.

Free excuses, free of charge.

2009-12-07T08:45:00.004+05:00

We see chicks with buruga. And we see chicks without buruga. As it was fashionable to don a buruga two to three years ago, it is now a fad to take it off. Here are some excuses to do so. Please note that these excuses are mildly researched so that parents may accept them too, because most Maldivian parents are kind of stupid. Any parent who lets their girl prance around in Islamic slut wear is safe to be considered so.

To sum up, the following are excuses or reasons to take the frikking thing off.

1. It doesn’t match with your clothes

2. It makes your hair frizzy

3. It makes your scalp itch, due to a scalp infection, which occurred because of the restricted airflow to your scalp

4. You want to have a career and everyone knows burugees can’t get ahead in this world

5. You wore buruga because you had sinned and wanted to atone for them. Now that you’ve failed to atone, might as well do it half naked.

6. Deep down, you are a skank. But you don’t want to make a mockery of religion.

7. You’re wearing tight jeans that show of your ass anyway, so why not show more?

8. You aren’t doing the world any favors by not showing us cleavage.

9. Cleavage is important.

10. All hail cleavage.

11. Listen, you all are probably going to hell anyway. I’ve seen the list, and it is preeeetty long.

12. We all know you like to show us that bodonkadonk.

13. If your grabastic, you owe us some eye candy.

14. It no longer matches your moral view. (you have no morals)

15. It makes you look fatter than you really are. No, I’m serious.

16. Why look like you are at 50% when you can be a 100%?

17. The beardies target chicks in buruga for their sex slave industry (statistically unproven, but a scary thought.)

18. Here’s a good one: Wearing buruga makes you irresistible to men, and you are endlessly hounded on the street.

19. You aren’t within your parents reach in a foreign land.

20. There was supposed to be a twentieth point, but I can’t be bothered.

Who needs Shakespeare?

2009-11-06T00:22:00.007+05:00

The blogosphere is full of poetry. some are good, while most of it is god-awful. I mean really lame and fucked up. Tonight, I wrote my own version of poetry.

How does a hypocrite get clothed and geared?

Maybe a turban and some kind of gross beard.

So much turned off is he by modern times,

He has no choice but to take underage concubines.

What is he to do when he is loathed and hated?

Except maybe get women demeaned and berated?

Why should he believe in hygiene or sanitary pads

When the world has much disease to be had?

One can but wonder how stupid he really is

Or his strong beliefs are really his

The barrages of self righteous teachings seem constant

Though preaching peace through violence seems redundant

He still persists, on and on, demeaning and defiling

Because free will and free speech to him, is most reviling

Maybe we should all get his kind a nice island somewhere

And maybe bury a few thousand claymore mines there

So that without him, the world will finally enjoy peace,

And let those who choose it, get on with their anal grease

Let the world be free of their pedophilia and lies

For they themselves, slowly march towards their demise.

Only a Maldivian: part 1

2009-10-04T07:48:00.010+05:00

This is hopefully the first in a series of posts to come whenever. Thus the whole 'part 1' thing I got going in the header.

I recently came up across this:

click to enlarge

It's a group on facebook, that I came across. I have circled the stuff I thought was interesting. And i censored the stuff I thought you don't need to know. Like what I was browsing, which was totally not porn. Back to the point... It is, for the love of god, a facebook group which was created against twitter.

Let me break it down for you.

Apparently, the creator of this particular group thought that, and I am quoting here, "tweeting is stupid, lame and a waste of time". Wake up call: this group is on facebook. the single most time wastage facilitating website in recent history. I don't have any problem with this, it's just that this itself seems a bit self contradictory, don't you think?

Notice the witty email address: hatetwitter@hatetwitter.com
Wow. Just wow. This has got to be the epitome of sarcastic wit. The sheer genius of this email address just made George Carlin roll in his grave.

That's it. I just thought this was funny as hell. I wonder what drove the creator of this group to do this...
maybe he/she doesn't realize that facebook and twitter were made to waste time? That is their purpose, you know.

Maybe they'll ponder at these points on the Against Twitter trip they are planning or something.

Like I said, only a Maldivian, dude. Only a Maldivian.

Also, I couldn't be bothered to link it. So you can find it for yourself on facebook if you want.

The Bill, please.

2009-08-25T10:53:00.003+05:00

When I first saw the posters for the now famous Bilal Philips (Bill) I was indifferent. Who cares, right? But then, Bill actually came and the Islamic type people where real excited. After all, this was a big deal for them. Billy was here.
So he came, and started talking a lot of bullshit.

Bill said it was okay to marry underage children. Because apparently, according to Islam, once a girl experiences her first… ugh… menstruation, she's eligible for marriage (and sex). Well, Bill, you gave all the haabees a boner there.

Bill confirmed that it was alright for your babies to get the proper vaccinations. Thank you Billy. We couldn’t have known that babies with not yet fully functional immune systems and whatnot need essential medical care without you telling us.

I am not here for that. Underage sex slaves and other shit, while important, isn’t as important as this. Who the fuck gave you the right to diss smoking?
Apparently smoking is not allowed in Islam.

Who the fuck gave you the right to fuck with peoples’ heads, Bill? I thought you were cool. You had the wacky hat and everything. I will not stand idly by when people are quitting based on your biased opinion. It’s true. People are actually quitting because you dragged your lanky ass on that stage and started spewing out your bullshit. Fuck you and anyone you are associated with.

I will smoke twice as much now just out of spite. Also, all this time, if a person didn’t smoke, I left him/her alone… from now on, I will make people smoke. Get them addicted. I will distribute free cigarettes for school children. I will pass out cigars at hospitals. I will make Male’ a fucking smoking only zone. We will win by sheer numbers, Bill. We will kill you to death by passive smoking your retarded ass.
And I call upon all smokers! Do your part! We shall not let some self righteous dickweed tell us what to do. We shall unite, yet once again (I know I call out for unity oh so often) and obliterate these non believers of the power of tobacco! If they call us infidels to the way of religion, fuck them and call them tobacco infidels!

Fuck you Bill, and have a nice life in brown town.

A Thousand Apologies

2009-07-20T09:19:00.003+05:00

I was recently directed to a blog about apologies. This was done so by a friend. And if this is a subtle hint at something, I don’t get it.

This particular blog has people apologizing to other people anonymously. It is pointless, but endlessly fun to read.

So, in light of this awesomely hilarious blog, I decided to dedicate this post to apologizing to people. Only not anonymously.

There are a few people that I might have offended over the course of my life. This is a start.

I wholeheartedly apologize to all the trainee teachers I have come across during the course of my school years. I did not in anyway wish to participate in the verbal abuse and projectile attacks which led to your crying in the middle of the class. Okay maybe that’s a lie. It was totally fun. But I am still sorry. Somewhat.

I apologize to all shallow materialistic slutbuckets for calling you all shallow materialistic slutbuckets. When in fact you should have been called blood sucking, soul draining cockbites.

I am sorry for always having it in for rich, spoilt brats. So you never had to work and had everything handed to you. So what? You still have your mommies to wipe your asses, don’t you?

I am sorry for calling the Islamic fundies by names. I shouldn’t have done that. You all are beyond words and names. You all are the scum of the earth. Pedophilia in the name of religion is still pedophilia. Murder in the name of religion is still murder, you ass sucking turd nuggets! Oh dear… I did it again.

I apologize to Amjay for being the fucktard he is. I am sorry that you are a fucking idiot, and I am sorry that you are a disgrace to the human race. I am sorry you are so ugly and fat. I am sorry you can’t see your own penis. I am also sorry to have seen that filth you spew and call movies. I only wish that you realize what a pathetic waste of space you are.

I am sorry, anonymous cowards. I am sorry you weren’t born without a spine.

That was a load off my chest! I am glad I took the time to do this. I feel like a better person already. Thank you all for being part of this process. This is healing in the works. This is the more beautiful side of human nature.

Medical atrocity

2009-06-08T10:52:00.012+05:00

I have been away from this blog, but I haven’t been away from bringing you all the truth.

I have addressed some psychological… disturbances… in a previous post. So, based on that I have done extensive research in the field of psychology and physiology among the sexes. And I am not, I repeat, I am not talking about girl on guy reverse cowgirl sweat and moaning action… though I should be. I am talking about men and women, and their differences, psychologically… and physiologically.

Contrary to popular belief, men are as susceptible to physical and mental ailments as women. No, it’s totally true. Well, maybe not as much on the mental stuff as much as women. Women are fucking crazy.

Well, men still can get fucked up in the head and body. But in our defense, its mostly to impress women. So again, women are to blame. So there. But, we can’t play the blame game all the time, someone needs to do something about these serious psychological… umm… thingies. Here are two of the physical and psychological disorders/syndromes/watchacallits that affect men.

Double Douchebagitis

This particular ailment is a deadly one. This can affect a person, and the people around him. Double Douchebagitis (hereby referred to as DD) is a result of the Rap Virus entering the bloodstream of the male host and rendering his sense of reason (and fashion) useless. A patient of DD can be identified primarily by his choice of clothes. A baseball cap or a hat of some kind is common among DD patients. Though the Rap Virus fucks up their heads so much, that they don’t know which way a visor should face. Usually facing sideways, these caps would be crying if they weren’t inanimate pieces of headgear. Also, DD patients have severe speech impediments, though they often try to pass this off as slang. Also, they tend to wear loose pants which leave the onlooker with the sight of the patients’ dirty boxers. No one wants to or needs to see that. And DD patients also act like they are better than everyone else, but this is because of the virus. This is how the name of this sad disease is derived.

Also, bling. Ugh.

Just look at the amount of degradation *sniffles*

Tightesterone Malfunctionary Douchebaggeritiva

This is a particularly annoying form of disease which affects men. Tightesterone Malfunctionary Douchebaggeritiva (hereby referred to as TMD) is a direct result of infection of the Celebrity Virus. As with DD patients, you can easily identify TMD patients from their clothes. Tight, sometimes see through clothes. The victims of this sad delusion causing blight are also hearing impaired. They seem to think that the cacophony that is popular music, popularly called pop music by most of the population, is actually ‘cool’ or ‘good’. As us sane people know, these sounds are nothing but audibly distinct abominations. Care must be taken in interacting with these tortured souls as these patients have their brains re-routed to their penises. You know… because of TMD. And because of this, their brain cells tend to die out to the point that they can’t even spell their own names.

Seezan? Seeson? Seaxon? C-zan?

And the saddest part of it all is that medical science simply does not have a single cure for these ailments. And these diseases in their worst cases are, in fact, contagious. May god help us all.

A great revelation

2009-05-18T07:57:00.006+05:00

I have noticed a great injustice. We have been deprived of something big. Something huge. Something colossal, even.

I’m not talking about the fuckers who cheated the vote. I’m not talking about the high prices of foods and services. I am most certainly not talking about the atrocity that is subjected to us in the form of TVM.

I am talking about something that needs to be in our culture. For the good of the entire community. I think I have found the source of all the hate that people have against Islamic extremists.

you know how Christians have their nuns and Catholics? Now, have you heard of sexy nuns and catholic school girls? You see what I'm getting at?

Words are insufficient... let me show you.

I have something for you to study...

yummy nun mummy

See what i mean? This is appealing. This is sexy. This can be enjoyed by all people of all races and religions.

The haabees have this...

aahhhggleee

So, haabees, you get the drift. if you guys want to take this heat off your back, get some of those big sheets of black cloth to show some skin. Maybe a nipple slip. Anything. Just sex them up.

We need more flesh. What do you expect when you cover up our Maldivian meat under that hideous garb?

Also, fuck haabees.

For a friend

2009-04-23T16:01:00.000+05:00

Friends may just be the most precious commodity in this world. They are the people who lift you up when you are down. They are the people who fix you up after you break up with your woman. They are the ones you turn to in times of need. We all need friends. And when someone messes with your friends, you don’t take it lying down.

It seems like just yesterday I ran into my bud Satan. I was walking home after tripping over an old man into a puddle. I was five, or so, I think. He seemed delighted. He pointed and laughed at the man before talking to me.

We have been BFF ever since.

It appears that the wahhaabees are hell bent on blaming Satan for everything. See what I did there? I had no idea things had escalated this much. Its getting out of hand.

I was trying to sleep when I got a call. It was Satan’s mom. Apparently, he had been in his room for a week. She wanted me to go talk to him. So I made the trip to hell, after the long ritual of human sacrifice and goats blood and some pentagrams. I admit it was nice visiting hell after so long. Its always Satan who comes to visit me.

Ma Satan was waiting for me at the palace. I patted the pet dragon Azazel. I had missed him the most. Ma Satan led the way to Satan’s room, wished me good luck and left. I knocked and entered. Familiar Black Sabbath music rang through the room.

He sat there. In the dark. It was nice the way his eyes light up when I come over. I mean literally. They light up with fire or something.

He told me how the damn wahhaabees were going about blaming him for every little thing. How is it his fault that people can’t keep it in their pants? He has bigger fish to fry. Who do you think keeps the Middle Eastern war going?

So I learnt that even Satan was sick of the haabees’ hypocrisy. So I told him what I would’ve told anyone at that point. If someone tries to oppress you, then you should fight back. Give them hell. But in this case, not literally. Then we started to talk about the old times. And that really started to cheer him up. We had a couple of goblets of virgin blood and had a good time with the succubae. I saw the old Satan again. Well, almost. Then I had the best idea.

We decided to go down the torture chambers and rip open a haabee or two. Yeah, that cheered him up real nice. There are a lot of them down there to choose from you know.

Don’t believe me? You’ll see for yourself when you are down there… soon enough.

Environmental Studies or something.

2009-04-01T10:09:00.005+05:00

This has been a long time coming. I’ve been away so I couldn’t get around to posting this until now. This post is for all the people who rode on vehicles on the whole environment day ‘no vehicles’ segment. From the deepest depths of my cold dead heart, I wish you all die painful deaths and rot the fuck in hell.

Okay maybe not that extreme. But I really do think you all are a bunch of half brained fuckheads with nothing better to do than to disgrace the god given gift of sentience.

If anyone who rode a motorcycle on that day, fuck you. By fuck you I mean go fuck yourself.

You completely missed the point of that day, dumbasses.

The reason it was encouraged to not to use vehicles for transportation that day was to unite in some small act of environmental care. Voluntarily.

So all of you who were trying to be a bad ass by driving or riding, feeling good about your delusion that your ‘street cred’ will rocket off the charts, congratulations! You have succeeded in making an ass out of yourself. Not only are you a lame ass fuck nugget, you are also a dweeb. Get that stick out of your ass because the only way you can be a bad ass is that you have to grow a new one. Because the one you have is lame.

Those of you who wanted to ‘fight the power’ because the ‘government wants you not to ride motorbikes’ and you won’t bow to their whims, congratulations! You are a grade-A moron. Nobody said you were forced to. There were no laws to forbid anyone to drive anything. The government couldn’t give an ass fucked rat on a cracker with cheese if you rode your motorcycle in your fucking birthday suit. The only thing you should have fought was that urge to prove to everyone that you are an asshole who likes sucking dick.

Those of you who thought that in some way, your needs were just too important and you didn’t have to participate in anything, congratulations! You are a self absorbed prick! Get over yourselves. You think you are so much better than everyone that you are above and beyond everything? Fuck you. Your needs are nothing. It doesn’t matter what you think. The fact of the matter is, you are not better than anyone. You didn’t have the fucking sensibility to be part of something that’s bigger than that little world you created for yourself. You are a retard. And chances are your children are going to be, too.

And one last question. Who would you be hurting if you turned off your lights for a freaking hour, you bunch of bitches?

What the Amjay is this?

2009-03-19T11:15:00.001+05:00

Its been a long time coming, but it had to happen. I have met with the world famous director known only in the Maldives, Amjay. As I approached him on the street, acting all curious with questions and shit… I couldn’t help but notice a dramatic decrease in weight in Amjay. Maybe not so dramatic compared to his movies, but still, pretty much so.

Me: Hey Amjay! What a pleasant surprise!

Amjay: Oh, who are you, and isnt there a law against being so strikingly handsome?

Me: No there isnt, and I don’t swing that way.

Amjay: Neither do I! I was just kidding of course *uncomfortable shift*

Me: Riiiiight…

Amjay: So, did you want something?

Me: Actually I wanted to ask you something.

Amjay: Sure… wait… what are you doing with a huge wrench?

Me: Oh, don’t mind that. Im just going to fuck your face up later on.

Amjay: *gasp* You are going to hit me in the face with that?

Me: is that what I said? I meant I have some plumbing work later… yeah… that’s is.

Amjay: ooookaaayyyy…

Me: So why the Decrease in weight? Bored of not being able to see your own penis without a mirror?

Amjay: Actually, I havent been able to sleep or eat well… I heard there was some blogger out to get me.

Me: Really?

Amjay: Really. I heard he’s skilled at torture and he’s merciless as well as charming and good in bed.

Me: Must be a real dangerous man, huh?

Amjay: No shit! Have you heard anything about this?

Me: Somewhat.

Amjay: I just wouldn’t know how to defend myself against such a strong and powerful man who relies on brute force and good looks.

Me: Enough about this handsome and manly blogger… why are all your movies crap?

Amjay: You know how when you were a kid you had such awesome ideas and you wanted to draw them out but you couldn’t, because you couldn’t draw?

Me: No, I could always draw.

Amjay: I never outgrew that phase. Only I am a fim maker and I cant direct worth a shit. Don’t tell anyone, though.

Me: Everyone knows.

Amjay: Darnit!... … hey… wait a minute…

Me: what?

Amjay: you are extremely good looking. Are YOU this blogger out to get me?

Me: Yes, I am.

Amjay: *starts running*

At this point, I proceeded to run after him. It was no problem to catch up, considering he is a fat git. And then I beat his face with the wrench I had, until it was fucked up. Needless to say, he cried like a girl. Until he died, that is.

What i should have posted

2009-02-25T09:04:00.005+05:00

I am going to go on about how its not cool to make someone be tortured. Especially if that someone is me. Mental torture is the worst. It makes us question who we are. Why we are here. And who’s that groping me from behind while I’m being subjected to this horrendous atrocity. I’m talking about the most brutal agony there is.

Maldivian “cinema”.

I hate the so called Maldivian Film Industry. lovingly called ‘Mollywood’, it is single handedly responsible for the godforsaken stupidity of most of the older population of Maldives, as well as regular moviegoers. These people who call themselves filmmakers looking to make a quick buck make low grade movies on minimum expense and expect maximum profit… which, lets face it, they achieve. Most of the time.

Consider this an open letter to everyone of this so called industry.

Dear sir/s and/or madam/s

I am a simple person from a simple background. I have loved movies all my life. I have grown up with them. I like the people in them. I like the gunfights in them. I like to see my childhood heroes like batman come to life on them.

But you, sir/s and/or madam/s, don’t have any value for movies. You seek only profit. You don’t have charming characters in your movies. Your characters are two dimensional. Nobody can relate to them. Nobody cares about the characters. Nobody even likes them. Except for the people you have brainwashed into liking your sob stories and your three hour cry-a-thons. So, in order to protect the spirit of cinema, that I love so much, I make a promise to you.

I will hunt you down and kill you all. No, I’m not joking.

I have had enough of your fucking pathetic whining, your crying men, dancing whores (okay maybe not the dancing whores) and you shameful and greed-ridden attempts to cash in on other peoples hard earned money. And you have the fucking nerves to call out ‘copyrights’? plagiarize much, motherfuckers? Everything you do is ripped off from some Indian movie or song. And if that wasn’t a clusterfuck in itself, you fuckbrains think your special effects are Hollywood standard. Im looking at you, Amjay.

Amjay. My niece can do a better job directing horror movies than you do. Seriously. Who the fuck you think you are, you morbidly obese small pricked cunt? I will fucking massacre you.

And all the actors. By actors I mean people paid to stand around, crying and not doing much in front of the camera. Yeah, you all can line up behind me and smell my farts for the rest of eternity, because that’s all you are good for. Even then I’m not sure you have the intelligence to actually know what a line is. And the so called actresses… you all… well, … umm… call me later… I’ll tell you what you can do.

So I hope you all will give this some thought, and I look forward to seeing some development in the *ugh* film industry. Don’t make me come after you.

Hugs and kisses,

Iya

Udhabaani: the Review

2009-02-16T11:05:00.003+05:00

I’ll tell this to you straight: I miss the Bakhabaru News. So I guess this is a tribute to them. This one is for you, Bakhabaru. You are the greatest news team that ever existed. We need you dudes. You and your reviews.

Also, this is my first review.

I went to work the other day, and saw that my office people had a surprise waiting for me. A ticket to Udhabaani the movie. I protested at first, but finally decided to go, considering I got the ticket for free, and all my workmates were going. It could be a fun night.

Boy, was I ever wrong. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

All my office mates decided to meet up at Olympus. I arrived there and noticed a “house full” board on display. Funny, as I got the ticket for free, along with 20 other people. I wondered how many people actually paid to be there

The movie was preceded by a bunch of “trailers” and some advertisements. It seemed to be looping. Ah, finally, the movie was about to begin. I admit I was looking forward to the movie… not for the experience of cinema, as I wasn’t expecting much out of the movie, but to scare the ever loving excrement out of the three girls who had sat in front of me. I nudged a workmate who was next to me, and he got the idea. The opening credits seemed very convincing that this was a horror movie. With creepy sound and including the old weathered text effect. Unfortunately this was the highlight of the whole film. I discovered that this film was made by a bunch of people calling themselves “Learner’s Productions”. Whatever hopes I had withered away.

The movie begins and I was slapped in the face with a song and dance number. Literally. This film has a way of slapping your face with a song number. I swear, once this girl was crying her eyes out and the next second, she was singing in the rain with the hero, and the next, she was crying again. I deduct that three fourths of the dialogue of the heroine were said while crying. And every time she cries, she looks like she is having a stroke or is about to regurgitate her lunch and/or dinner. Not to mention the cheesy dialogue.

The heroine comes from a dirt poor family. So poor that when her parents are introduced in the film, they are discussing how they are going to survive. Apparently they have no money for food, or clothes. But apparently they have money to have the mother’s eyebrows done. They also have money for a ton of foundation that goes on the mothers face. And also they have a truckload of money for the amount of lip gloss that the mother wears. That’s just the mother. The only poor looking person is the father. But he gets killed off almost 15 minutes after he is introduced and is replaced by a sea monster. Which brings me to…

…the sea monster. Apparently the evil entity that haunts this movie is a horny sea monster. Yes. This evil spirit/monster of the sea, which Maldivians lovingly call a ‘fureytha’, wants to bang this chick. All I can say is, kudos. This thing wanted to sleep with this girl so bad, it killed (and probably ate) her father, disguised itself as him, and also guised itself as her boyfriend, while killing a total of four people in the course of the entire film, including the girl’s mother. What guys will do to get laid, huh?

The movie seemed endless. Three whole hours. The plot didn’t progress. The whole movie could have been summed up in 20 minutes of footage. That’s if you include a few dance numbers.
The director ‘Amjay’ went on a celebrity type show and said that this movie is not like anything any Maldivian film has ever accomplished. That may be right, I don’t know, because I don’t have anything to draw from here. But it makes me think… if this is the best that filmmaking in the Maldives has to offer, how full of crap must be the rest of the films that hit the screens of Male’?

The best part of the movie has to be when the hero gets into a legendary fight with the sea monster, and ultimately chopping its head off with a sword. But even that wasn’t good. Because it didn’t happen. There was no fight. There was no confrontation. There was no closure. After three hours of unholy melodrama, we were treated to a “to be continued” screen. And the lights went on, and I lost it and screamed out something along the lines of “what the fuck was that?” (rough translation)

Needless to say, that was the most boring, tiresome, and wasted three hours of my entire life. And this movie wasn’t even funny. Some unintentionally funny moments, though. Its hard to take a movie seriously when actors and actresses start crying at the drop of a hat and then strikes random dance poses.

A random rambling of the mind of a something clever

2009-02-09T21:39:00.004+05:00

So its no wonder that men are perverts. Its true, and we all know it. Thus my initial claim that it is not, in fact, a wonder that this is so.

So if you were walking one day and someone came up to you and said “Hey, you giving me attitude?” the best thing to do then would be to respond like this: “no, but I gave your mom some last night.” Or who knows, I might be lying.

When men look at a woman, it takes a total of two seconds to check her out from head to toe, Imagine her naked while having assumed and calculated the nipple color and nether-region volume respectively and imagine boning her. So girls who want their guys not to check out chicks can stop fighting. It’s a lost cause.

Legacy of Kain games are so awesome, that I want to take it up the rear.

I would be gay for Optimus Prime.

Girls expect to be respected as much as men. Which is true. They should be respected. They should be looked in the eye and held equal to men. But its hard to concentrate on anything when they have boobs now isn’t it?

Beauty is skin deep and in the eye of the beholder. If he’s smart, skin deep beauty will be in bed with the beholder.

Crocodiles smile so much because they know they can kill the fuck out of you.

I think that men in the old times with their sarongs would have spent a lot of time sitting… what with the topless young hotties around.

You ever look at an old lady and wonder how she would have looked like when she was young? Have your thoughts gotten carried away?

The best time to be during Ramazan is the local market. Those who know what I’m talking about will know what I’m talking about.

If there’s a life after life, there’s a death after death. Are you sure you want to die multiple times? That’s just sick you morbid fuck!

Half of the people wearing black heavy metal t-shirts don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. Emo bunch of hippies.

Womanly rights

2009-01-28T16:32:00.003+05:00

You know how women go on about women’s rights? Well, they have it easy, but they still want more, don’t they?

It is socially acceptable for them to assume that they don’t have to pay for food.

Its perfectly okay for them to wear open necked cleavage showing clothes which make them appear semi nude, but the moment a guy checks them out, we are perverts.

Even fat women can wear tight tops. This is a way to admire one’s own body, no matter how ugly she is, her tires are “beautiful in her own way”. Its okay, because its socially acceptable and rude to point out. A fat man is just gross.

Women have it too easy and they still whine on about women’s rights. What the fuck? And if this wasn’t unfair enough, women have the most killer excuse to make it okay for them to do anything.

PMS.

Don’t give me that look. You know I’m right.

Person: Hey you yelled at me, called me bad things and hit me last night!

Woman: LEAVE ME ALONE!! Can’t you see I’m suffering at the hands of PMS, you jerk?

See, they turn it on the other person. Too easy, and it’s socially acceptable.

Personally, I think PMS is a myth they created to do exactly what they are doing. Because, when you think about it, a woman is ALWAYS in between menstruations, you know. When does it stop?

Never.

PS: if this post seemed sexist at all, thats probably because it is. I made it that way. Bite me.

Something Personal...

2008-11-25T13:46:00.001+05:00

The following post is kind of personal. I don’t think I have done a personal post before. Bear with me on this.

Fuck wahhaabees.

You bunch of fucking religious extremist can suck each others cocks. Fucking bunch of hypocrites. That all you are.

Who the fuck told you that you are better than everyone else? Fuck you.

Your fucking ‘brothers in arms’ in Himandhoo had child brides. Girls as young as thirteen wedded off to grown men. You know no respect. You know no compassion. These are children. You deprive them of their right to knowledge. To a freedom. And most of all, you rob them of their childhood. Assholes.

People gathering against child molestation.. WAKE THE FUCK UP!! They are right there! Stop you stupid hand holding and look at them.

I cannot begin to describe how much haabees piss me off. While I’m at it, fuck sheikh Fareed too. Yeah. Fuck him in his ass with a bent spoon. Sideways. The fucking midget is one of the worst things that happened to Islam.

And this fixation that you have that every man and every woman should look alike with your fucking beards and your fucking covered women. Fuck that to oblivion. I believe that if God wanted us to be the same, God wouldn’t have given people talent or skills. OR free will, for that matter. Take your uniformity and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

I’m not saying that every one with a beard is a pedo. When I say haabees I mean extremists. I mean people who use the veil of religion to their own ends. The day I get a free pass, I am going to fuck these people up. They wont recognize their own faces in the mirror. I would fucking obliterate them. I would be tried and executed for genocide, but I’d die happy.

The word fuck has been used in this post only 15 times. Seems like more, doesn’t it?