Thursday, December 27, 2012

Tuna Brain for the Soul

I recently had a conversation with a person, over the course of a few days. I just thought I'd share it here. I want you to judge for yourself, if there's judging to be done. Otherwise ignore this. I don't really care.

You heard me. I don't care.

Anyhoo, this dude is sort of a tuna brained Maldivian. When I say tuna brained, I mean that he conforms to the normal Maldivian way of thinking, living and general everything. You'll see. Now, this is as close as I can remember the conversation and the best I can translate it into English. So, if you have any problems with it, again, I don't care.

X-Ray of a tuna brain

For this conversation, I've labelled him TBM. This does not mean To Be Masturbated. It stands for Tuna Brained Maldivian.

TBM: You're six years older than me and you're not married?
Me: Yes, I don't think I'm ready for that yet, you see.
TBM: Why not?
Me: I just think my time is better spent pursuing pleasures of the flesh without being married.
TBM: Everyone should settle down as soon as they are capable of doing so.
Me: I'm not capable yet.
TBM: But you get paid a lot of money...
Me: Which I spend pursuing pleasures of the flesh... I don't think you're paying attention.
TBM: You're funny... hahahaha
Me: No, I'm really being serious.

That's one of the first conversations I had with him. Fast forward a few weeks and we come to this;

TBM: But a man cannot pierce his ears for it is haraam!
Me: Why can women do it, then?
TBM: According to Islam, which I have studied extensively, women are allowed to have jewellery. Piercings are okay. But tattoos are haraam.
Other Guy: Bullshit. If piercings are okay, then tattoos are also okay.
Me: Yeah, TBM, the Other Guy makes sense.
TBM: No! He is blaspheming! You're both blaspheming. Tattoos are haraam! I know this, because it is the way of Islam! Anyone with a tattoo is not a Muslim!
Me: And you're the expert?
TBM: Yes! You people shouldn't even think of questioning anything. I know best because I have researched these things extensively.
Me: Good on you, mate.

He started going bug eyed and started babbling nonsense, so I left the conversation for better pastures. Fruit needed to be sliced on my phone. High scores weren't going to beat themselves.

Then, many weeks later, this conversation takes place;

TBM: I swear, man, even after I'm married, I've seen a lot of naked women.
Me: ... Why are you telling me this?
TBM: I am married and I still drown in pussy.
Me: Why do you fuck around when you're married and have a kid?
TBM: No, you see, that's just it... I don't actually fuck them. I just do everything other than sex.
Me: I thought you were religious?
TBM: There's nothing in Islam against this.
Me: What?
TBM: Islam says that as long as I don't penetrate, I'm good. I can do other stuff.
Me: Look, I might not be the most religious person, but that's just wrong, man. Seriously.
TBM: I researched this extensively, and this is the loophole I found, man.
Me: No, you thought about this, and this is the loophole you reasoned yourself to accept.
TBM: What do you mean?
Me: You are a bad person. You act all kind and pious, but you're shit.
TBM: How dare you say that to me?
Me: No, how dare YOU do that to your own fucking family? Please urinate. (rough translation of the insult)
TBM: If you're going to swear at me, I'm not talking to you anymore.
Me: Please drink female ejaculate (rough translation), but that seems like something you are too fond of.
TBM: I'm going.
Me: I hope you rot in hell, asshole.If you wanna drown in pussy, don't get married when you've just reached puberty, you piece of shit.

I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore...