Who needs Shakespeare?

The blogosphere is full of poetry. some are good, while most of it is god-awful. I mean really lame and fucked up. Tonight, I wrote my own version of poetry.

How does a hypocrite get clothed and geared?

Maybe a turban and some kind of gross beard.

So much turned off is he by modern times,

He has no choice but to take underage concubines.

What is he to do when he is loathed and hated?

Except maybe get women demeaned and berated?

Why should he believe in hygiene or sanitary pads

When the world has much disease to be had?

One can but wonder how stupid he really is

Or his strong beliefs are really his

The barrages of self righteous teachings seem constant

Though preaching peace through violence seems redundant

He still persists, on and on, demeaning and defiling

Because free will and free speech to him, is most reviling

Maybe we should all get his kind a nice island somewhere

And maybe bury a few thousand claymore mines there

So that without him, the world will finally enjoy peace,

And let those who choose it, get on with their anal grease

Let the world be free of their pedophilia and lies

For they themselves, slowly march towards their demise.

Only a Maldivian: part 1

This is hopefully the first in a series of posts to come whenever. Thus the whole 'part 1' thing I got going in the header.

I recently came up across this:

click to enlarge

It's a group on facebook, that I came across. I have circled the stuff I thought was interesting. And i censored the stuff I thought you don't need to know. Like what I was browsing, which was totally not porn. Back to the point... It is, for the love of god, a facebook group which was created against twitter.

Let me break it down for you.

Apparently, the creator of this particular group thought that, and I am quoting here, "tweeting is stupid, lame and a waste of time". Wake up call: this group is on facebook. the single most time wastage facilitating website in recent history. I don't have any problem with this, it's just that this itself seems a bit self contradictory, don't you think?

Notice the witty email address: hatetwitter@hatetwitter.com
Wow. Just wow. This has got to be the epitome of sarcastic wit. The sheer genius of this email address just made George Carlin roll in his grave.

That's it. I just thought this was funny as hell. I wonder what drove the creator of this group to do this...
maybe he/she doesn't realize that facebook and twitter were made to waste time? That is their purpose, you know.

Maybe they'll ponder at these points on the Against Twitter trip they are planning or something.

Like I said, only a Maldivian, dude. Only a Maldivian.

Also, I couldn't be bothered to link it. So you can find it for yourself on facebook if you want.

The Bill, please.

When I first saw the posters for the now famous Bilal Philips (Bill) I was indifferent. Who cares, right? But then, Bill actually came and the Islamic type people where real excited. After all, this was a big deal for them. Billy was here.
So he came, and started talking a lot of bullshit.

Bill said it was okay to marry underage children. Because apparently, according to Islam, once a girl experiences her first… ugh… menstruation, she's eligible for marriage (and sex). Well, Bill, you gave all the haabees a boner there.

Bill confirmed that it was alright for your babies to get the proper vaccinations. Thank you Billy. We couldn’t have known that babies with not yet fully functional immune systems and whatnot need essential medical care without you telling us.

I am not here for that. Underage sex slaves and other shit, while important, isn’t as important as this. Who the fuck gave you the right to diss smoking?
Apparently smoking is not allowed in Islam.

Who the fuck gave you the right to fuck with peoples’ heads, Bill? I thought you were cool. You had the wacky hat and everything. I will not stand idly by when people are quitting based on your biased opinion. It’s true. People are actually quitting because you dragged your lanky ass on that stage and started spewing out your bullshit. Fuck you and anyone you are associated with.

I will smoke twice as much now just out of spite. Also, all this time, if a person didn’t smoke, I left him/her alone… from now on, I will make people smoke. Get them addicted. I will distribute free cigarettes for school children. I will pass out cigars at hospitals. I will make Male’ a fucking smoking only zone. We will win by sheer numbers, Bill. We will kill you to death by passive smoking your retarded ass.
And I call upon all smokers! Do your part! We shall not let some self righteous dickweed tell us what to do. We shall unite, yet once again (I know I call out for unity oh so often) and obliterate these non believers of the power of tobacco! If they call us infidels to the way of religion, fuck them and call them tobacco infidels!

Fuck you Bill, and have a nice life in brown town.

A Thousand Apologies

I was recently directed to a blog about apologies. This was done so by a friend. And if this is a subtle hint at something, I don’t get it.

This particular blog has people apologizing to other people anonymously. It is pointless, but endlessly fun to read.

So, in light of this awesomely hilarious blog, I decided to dedicate this post to apologizing to people. Only not anonymously.

There are a few people that I might have offended over the course of my life. This is a start.

I wholeheartedly apologize to all the trainee teachers I have come across during the course of my school years. I did not in anyway wish to participate in the verbal abuse and projectile attacks which led to your crying in the middle of the class. Okay maybe that’s a lie. It was totally fun. But I am still sorry. Somewhat.

I apologize to all shallow materialistic slutbuckets for calling you all shallow materialistic slutbuckets. When in fact you should have been called blood sucking, soul draining cockbites.

I am sorry for always having it in for rich, spoilt brats. So you never had to work and had everything handed to you. So what? You still have your mommies to wipe your asses, don’t you?

I am sorry for calling the Islamic fundies by names. I shouldn’t have done that. You all are beyond words and names. You all are the scum of the earth. Pedophilia in the name of religion is still pedophilia. Murder in the name of religion is still murder, you ass sucking turd nuggets! Oh dear… I did it again.

I apologize to Amjay for being the fucktard he is. I am sorry that you are a fucking idiot, and I am sorry that you are a disgrace to the human race. I am sorry you are so ugly and fat. I am sorry you can’t see your own penis. I am also sorry to have seen that filth you spew and call movies. I only wish that you realize what a pathetic waste of space you are.

I am sorry, anonymous cowards. I am sorry you weren’t born without a spine.

That was a load off my chest! I am glad I took the time to do this. I feel like a better person already. Thank you all for being part of this process. This is healing in the works. This is the more beautiful side of human nature.

Medical atrocity

I have been away from this blog, but I haven’t been away from bringing you all the truth.

I have addressed some psychological… disturbances… in a previous post. So, based on that I have done extensive research in the field of psychology and physiology among the sexes. And I am not, I repeat, I am not talking about girl on guy reverse cowgirl sweat and moaning action… though I should be. I am talking about men and women, and their differences, psychologically… and physiologically.

Contrary to popular belief, men are as susceptible to physical and mental ailments as women. No, it’s totally true. Well, maybe not as much on the mental stuff as much as women. Women are fucking crazy.

Well, men still can get fucked up in the head and body. But in our defense, its mostly to impress women. So again, women are to blame. So there. But, we can’t play the blame game all the time, someone needs to do something about these serious psychological… umm… thingies. Here are two of the physical and psychological disorders/syndromes/watchacallits that affect men.

Double Douchebagitis

This particular ailment is a deadly one. This can affect a person, and the people around him. Double Douchebagitis (hereby referred to as DD) is a result of the Rap Virus entering the bloodstream of the male host and rendering his sense of reason (and fashion) useless. A patient of DD can be identified primarily by his choice of clothes. A baseball cap or a hat of some kind is common among DD patients. Though the Rap Virus fucks up their heads so much, that they don’t know which way a visor should face. Usually facing sideways, these caps would be crying if they weren’t inanimate pieces of headgear. Also, DD patients have severe speech impediments, though they often try to pass this off as slang. Also, they tend to wear loose pants which leave the onlooker with the sight of the patients’ dirty boxers. No one wants to or needs to see that. And DD patients also act like they are better than everyone else, but this is because of the virus. This is how the name of this sad disease is derived.

Also, bling. Ugh.

Just look at the amount of degradation *sniffles*

Tightesterone Malfunctionary Douchebaggeritiva

This is a particularly annoying form of disease which affects men. Tightesterone Malfunctionary Douchebaggeritiva (hereby referred to as TMD) is a direct result of infection of the Celebrity Virus. As with DD patients, you can easily identify TMD patients from their clothes. Tight, sometimes see through clothes. The victims of this sad delusion causing blight are also hearing impaired. They seem to think that the cacophony that is popular music, popularly called pop music by most of the population, is actually ‘cool’ or ‘good’. As us sane people know, these sounds are nothing but audibly distinct abominations. Care must be taken in interacting with these tortured souls as these patients have their brains re-routed to their penises. You know… because of TMD. And because of this, their brain cells tend to die out to the point that they can’t even spell their own names.

Seezan? Seeson? Seaxon? C-zan?

And the saddest part of it all is that medical science simply does not have a single cure for these ailments. And these diseases in their worst cases are, in fact, contagious. May god help us all.

A great revelation

I have noticed a great injustice. We have been deprived of something big. Something huge. Something colossal, even.

I’m not talking about the fuckers who cheated the vote. I’m not talking about the high prices of foods and services. I am most certainly not talking about the atrocity that is subjected to us in the form of TVM.

I am talking about something that needs to be in our culture. For the good of the entire community. I think I have found the source of all the hate that people have against Islamic extremists.

you know how Christians have their nuns and Catholics? Now, have you heard of sexy nuns and catholic school girls? You see what I'm getting at?

Words are insufficient... let me show you.

I have something for you to study...

yummy nun mummy

See what i mean? This is appealing. This is sexy. This can be enjoyed by all people of all races and religions.

The haabees have this...

aahhhggleee

So, haabees, you get the drift. if you guys want to take this heat off your back, get some of those big sheets of black cloth to show some skin. Maybe a nipple slip. Anything. Just sex them up.

We need more flesh. What do you expect when you cover up our Maldivian meat under that hideous garb?

Also, fuck haabees.

For a friend

Friends may just be the most precious commodity in this world. They are the people who lift you up when you are down. They are the people who fix you up after you break up with your woman. They are the ones you turn to in times of need. We all need friends. And when someone messes with your friends, you don’t take it lying down.

It seems like just yesterday I ran into my bud Satan. I was walking home after tripping over an old man into a puddle. I was five, or so, I think. He seemed delighted. He pointed and laughed at the man before talking to me.

We have been BFF ever since.

It appears that the wahhaabees are hell bent on blaming Satan for everything. See what I did there? I had no idea things had escalated this much. Its getting out of hand.

I was trying to sleep when I got a call. It was Satan’s mom. Apparently, he had been in his room for a week. She wanted me to go talk to him. So I made the trip to hell, after the long ritual of human sacrifice and goats blood and some pentagrams. I admit it was nice visiting hell after so long. Its always Satan who comes to visit me.

Ma Satan was waiting for me at the palace. I patted the pet dragon Azazel. I had missed him the most. Ma Satan led the way to Satan’s room, wished me good luck and left. I knocked and entered. Familiar Black Sabbath music rang through the room.

He sat there. In the dark. It was nice the way his eyes light up when I come over. I mean literally. They light up with fire or something.

He told me how the damn wahhaabees were going about blaming him for every little thing. How is it his fault that people can’t keep it in their pants? He has bigger fish to fry. Who do you think keeps the Middle Eastern war going?

So I learnt that even Satan was sick of the haabees’ hypocrisy. So I told him what I would’ve told anyone at that point. If someone tries to oppress you, then you should fight back. Give them hell. But in this case, not literally. Then we started to talk about the old times. And that really started to cheer him up. We had a couple of goblets of virgin blood and had a good time with the succubae. I saw the old Satan again. Well, almost. Then I had the best idea.

We decided to go down the torture chambers and rip open a haabee or two. Yeah, that cheered him up real nice. There are a lot of them down there to choose from you know.

Don’t believe me? You’ll see for yourself when you are down there… soon enough.