camPAIN: Me for President

So,the campaigning has started… people making promises left and right… I am really looking forward to this… “other Maldives”. Wonder what that would be like…

See, I offer you the chance to leave old geezers, men wearing ugly ties with high pitched voices, illiterate corrupt businessmen and embrace … me. Consider this the start of my campaign. Or rather, camPAIN.

I have stated what I would do if I was president in my other post. This is kind of a follow up. Yeah, lets go with follow up.

First off, I don’t wear ugly ties. I seldom wear ties. I am NOT as old as some people who are currently the president. Not nearly there. I have a sneaky suspicion that the aforementioned person may be immortal… or an elf. Whichever. I don’t have extremist religious values. I don’t even have moderate religious values. But what little religious value I have, I hold dearly. And I’m NOT a businessman. If there are any claims that I am in fact, corrupt, it’s simply not true. I am not related to Reeko Moosa in ANY way. I know because I checked. Twice. I mean, I’ve seen retards. A lot of retards. But I haven’t seen anyone in politics who didn’t know what a fucking manifesto was. Pardon the French.

Whats there not to like? Arguably, I’m the best candidate there is. A whole lot likeable than anyone in politics now.

Now comes the claims and promises that I make to win the hearts and minds of the people. I decided to market myself in the form of an advertisement.

Why take up the tedious task of packing all your things and waiting in line to go to the “other Maldives”? I offer something spectacular. How’s Las Vegas sound? Why go to an exact replica of where you are currently taking residence in? “Hey lets pack all our things and take a vacation in a replica of our house”! Tell me that didn’t sound totally lame. As a person of the people, I know you don’t want to see the exact same cesspool you lived in for the past… who knows how long. You seen one beach you’ve seen them all. Vote for me to automatically win an all expense paid vacation to the south of France! If you get fifty of your buddies to vote for me, it’s Amsterdam! If you get a hundred, it’s Las Vegas!!!

You’ll taste the sweetness of complete freedom. I’m not talking freedom of speech kind of freedom for pussies. I’m talking brothels *ahem* I mean… massage parlors and all night raves, LEGAL all night raves kind of freedom. The kind of freedom you always dreamed of.

Witness public humiliations of all the people who fucked this place up. I know you all want it. And as your president, I can give it to you. You just need to vote for me.

Two problems solved as one! All manual labor will be handled by the junkies who overly populate our wonderful detention facilities. Under the watchful eyes of our beloved prison guards, of course. And the expatriates either killed off or sent back! Either way, they wont be missed. Solving the issues of the increasing amount of expatriate workers and punishment for the junkie.

Exciting public executions especially for pedos! Just vote for me and I will make sure that the person who violated your kid will be dragged naked through the main roads while being whipped, tied to a chair and beat up horrendously, confined to the remains of the tsunami monument (which will have been destroyed) for the public to throw stones at, shot in one leg and forced to walk to the execution stand, genitals removed and beheaded. All while you kid watches and gets closure to all the trauma he/she been through. Yes. I care about your kids because they are the future of my empire *ahem* I mean… OUR country. Yes that’s what I said.

You will all get a pre-weekend holiday! Tuesdays will be declared a holiday! Just vote for me as your new president and it shall be the first thing on my to-do-list. Right after I get myself some presidential nookie, that is.

All the members of the social liberal party will have the word ‘manifesto’ tattooed on to their foreheads.

These are just SOME of the things that will be enjoyed by YOU once I get into the presidential boots! So vote NOW before I change my mind!! You wont regret it, I assure you!

Heheheh… dumbasses.

50 things i hate about ... you?

As a part of an experiment, I decided to list some things I hate, just off the top of my head. So I wrote some down. and i kept on writing.  Before I knew it, … well, read on below.

1.       The color pink

2.       Elton John and other gay icons

3.       Religious fanatics

4.       Narrow minded people trying come off as open minded

5.       Social constraints

6.       Ponies

7.       People who like ponies

8.       Hindi songs in general

9.       Britney Spears and other blonde skanks

10.   The ocean

11.   Football

12.   People thinking speeding on wave bikes is cool

13.   People who think wave bikes are cool

14.   Co workers

15.   Doctors

16.   Receptionists

17.   People who think playing five chords on guitar makes them Steve Vai

18.   Rich people

19.   Drama queens

20.   Guys with loud shirts

21.   Goldfish

22.   Macintosh fanboys

23.   Old people

24.   Manipulative women

25.   Butterfaces who think they are Angelina Jolie

26.   Maldivian actors and actresses

27.   Maldivian music ‘industry’

28.   Bitch fit throwing bitches

29.   Flickr

30.   People on Flickr

31.   Teenage lovey dovey blogs

32.   TVM

33.   People who pretend to like coffee

34.   Political ass fucked blogs

35.   The parliament

36.   Loud kids or kids in general

37.   Expensive shops

38.   Anonymous cowards

39.   Self righteous fucktards

40.   Government office procedures

41.   Dhiraagu

42.   Star trek

43.   Star wars

44.   ‘pop’ music

45.   Rap, R&B, hip hop especially Snoop Dogg

46.   People who pretend to like artsy stuff just to act superior

47.   Artsy stuff

48.   People who pretend they write poems

49.   Gangster wannabes

50.   The presidential motorcade

I realized that I hit the 50 mark and this list could have gone on and on. So I stopped. Good thing I did. This was just off the top of my head. I don’t wanna dig any deeper.

Disgustoid Fever

Okay, so it’s been established by everyone that there are some sick fucks out there. But how sick are they? I recently found it a good way to pass 10 minutes every few days checking out who comes to my blog and how. I was surprised to see the result. The sheer amount of sick fucks who get redirected to my little blog.

Let it be known that most sick fucks who find their way here are … you guessed it… Americans.

People search on google a lot, isn’t it? I normally search for games, movies, the occasional comic, mostly. And no, I don’t search for porn. I know where to find it. ;)

Here are some of the google searches that led to my blog that I find notable.

The most common google query I found is “virginity pain” which directs the searcher to my post about virginity. My guess is that they are girls… hopefully. Searching to find an answer to rumors that it hurts the first time. Too bad they wont find anything helpful here.

There is this guy in the United Kingdom who thought one day, “hey, I’m a sick fuck and I’m gonna search google to find something disgusting!” so he went on to google, and typed in “females with penises” and he looked and stumbled into my penis size theory.

One of the more funny queries came from India. We all know how fucked up that place is… people worshipping cows and shit, or vice versa. This guy/gal wanted to look for “penis cut virginity lost”. What the fuck? I don’t know what he/she was looking for, but it couldn’t have been anything good. Once again, this person found my penis size theory.

The next nominee for overall sick fucked-ness comes from Hungary. Someone wanted to see a “mom fucking anal very painful”. It’s sick. I know. I think it’s a guy obsessed with his mom or something. Creepy. Luckily, my blog doesn’t contain stuff NEARLY as disgusting as that. He just found this.

Last but not least, the Americans. I’ll just put the most recent retard searches here.

One guy in Arizona wanted to find a “girl crying out in butt pain”. Seriously, dude? What the fuck were you thinking? Too bad you found my office post instead, huh?

Another guy in California wanted to know “how do I get my gf to moan when im in her pants”. That’s his search query. Word for word. Look no further friend. Iya will help you out. Plain and simple, you can try to not suck AT it, and try sucking ON something. Also, don’t be a dweeb. (Maldivians: dweeb is a white term for fucktard) He ended up here.

There you have it. Some of the fucked up sick bastards who are out there and how those sick fucked up ass maggots end up here. You are looking at a web page that countless disgustoids have looked upon. However… as I wrote this, I realized… for all these fucked up people to end up here, this place must really be filled with fucked up shit.

Earth Ending Epidemic (E.E.E)

Maldives is facing a lot of crises at the moment. Tsunami victims still in tents. Teachers walking out of schools. Ugly “monuments”. Grotesque orange/yellow painted houses everywhere. These are just SOME of the catastrophic things going on. But we have a bigger concern. One that will destroy us all if it’s not stopped. Something that scares the living shit out of me. Something that might be single handedly responsible for the extinction of humankind. Yes. It’s THAT serious. And I’m risking my life in writing this, so listen up. The cataclysmic catastrophe that will end humanity is:

Bimbo infestation.

You know what I’m talking about. They’re everywhere. They’re in your homes, in your workplace and even in your families. It’s contagious. Even more so than a… umm… contagious… thing.

A person infected with the bimbo virus is infected with a disease called Bimboitis stupidutis. We’ll just call it bimboism. Bimboism is a disease that is spread due to repeated direct contact with a bimbo. The only good thing about this is that it spread to the female gender. Well, I didn’t say it was good for EVERYONE, did I? Symptoms include nagging voice, squealing, self centeredness, unbelievable stupidity and being easier than usual girls. Ok, so there are TWO good things.

They seem like normal people, but you can identify them by interacting with them. Just be sure to interact with them in small doses. Let me provide an example of the level of their stupidity.

So I was at the ferry to go to the airport, when I met someone in knew. Let’s call her Susan. Hadn’t met her in a long time. And I used to know her pretty well. I was waiting for someone, so I didn’t get on the ferry. I said hi to Susan, and waited. And the ferry took off. “Wait… is it leaving?”, asked Susan. “Either that or they are checking to see if it can go backwards.” I replied, kind of annoyed. Clue one: obvious questions. Then she said something that confirmed her bimboism. “that’s the second ferry that’s left without me”. So I asked why she hadn’t got on the ferry if she wanted to go. “I kept thinking there was ten minutes left”. I was shocked! I knew this person! Susan used to be an okay person! What the hell was going on? When was she bimbofied?

It can strike anywhere, anytime to anyone. Scientists and doctors and psychiatrists are working hand in hand, around the clock to find a cure for this most disturbing and dangerous of conditions. “This is the biggest thing to hit us since AIDS. We are very excited for the challenge, since we gave up hope for an AIDS cure years ago”, said Dr. Ticklemydick, a very important doctor of a very important medical association.

All I can say is… God have mercy on our souls… or something.

Beyfulhism

I don’t know about you, but I hate ‘beyfulhu’ people. They expect to be treated special. They prance around like they are better than everyone else. Sure, so do I, but in my case, it’s actually true. And to top it all off, Theres a special language to speak to them. What the fuck?
You all know what I’m talking about. The ‘maaih bahuruvaa’. Last time I checked, ’maaih’ means holy… or something. The stupid-ness of this whole holy language business is absurdly… well… stupid. Why the fuck do we have to put up with that?
Let’s suppose there is a beyfulheez couple that talks to each other in the holy language. And they are doing it. Below is what I gather would be sex talk between them. You know… kinky talk.

Man: Alhugandu mi ulhuvvanee thiya beyfulhaa ge iffaitherikan nagaalan (I am going to violate you)

Woman: Aadhe! Alhugandu jismakee thiya beyfulhaa ge hihfulhah eri gotheh hadhdhavanhuriechcheh! (Yes! Do what you want to my body!)

Man: Thiya beyfulhaage furagas faraathuga alhugandu baarah aih is kuraanan (I’m gonna spank you)

Woman: Aih is kuravvaa! Adhives baarah, ingeythoa! (Spank me! Harder!)

Man: Kaaku thoa thiya beyfulhaage bappaafulhakee? (Who’s your daddy?)

Woman: Thiyaee alhugandu bappaafulhu!! (You’re my daddy!!)

Man: Ehen viyyaa ehen vidhaalhuvey, kuththaa kamanaa! (Then say it, bitch!)

Woman: THEE ALHUGANDUGE BAPPAAFULHU!!! (YOU’RE MY DADDY!!!)

Man: Alhugandu vadaigannavanee! (I’m coming!)

Woman: Labba! Labba! (Yes! Yes!)

Man: ALHUGANDU VADAIGANNAVANEE!! (I’M COMING!!)

*squirt*

On second thought, the holy language is kinda funny… but beyfulhism still sucks ass.

George Carlin

This week started on a very sad note. George Carlin has left the world of the living.
It’s always sad when a genius leaves us. George Carlin was a pioneer. In times when stand up comedians wore suits and told family friendly jokes, he wore t-shirts and jeans and was absolutely vulgar. He was lethal. He was absolute comedy.

One of the best things about him is that he was and always have been an advocate for the freedom of speech. Carlin believed that anyone can say anything he/she wants. Which is true. And I concur. Why do you think I allow anonymous bastards to keep commenting on this blog? Most people who get as many negative comments from anonymous people are likely to block anonymous commenting. Its about the freedom of speech.

Seven words, arguably his most famous routine to date, left me speechless. The fluidity of his delivery. I was hooked.

Carlin also didn’t believe in indulging in social niceties. Which is also an admirable quality. He was a rebel to the end. No conformity. That’s the way he lived for 71 years. You really should watch or read his stuff. Especially this.

Peace out, hombre’. Peace out.

SAFF CUP

Okay, I’ve had enough. I have reached the point where I have to say something to someone. Heads up, because I’m about to rant… sort of.

Football can kiss my ass. Maldivian football, to be precise.

Fact: Maldivian football sucks donkey dick. They haven’t shown ANY development, despite the attention they get. Despite all the funding they get from the government and stuff.

It all gets too much when the SAFF cup is everywhere! Its shameful and downright frustrating.

And TVM in all their “professionalism” glorifies Maldivian “footballers”. I heard them say “football is in every Maldivian’s blood.” and “it’s a wonder how far football has come”

Up yours, TVM. Up your bumhole.

Fact: some Maldivian player got an opportunity to play in a foreign club, but he cried like a sissy girl and came back home becaue the training was too “tough”.
Man up, player who I don’t know the name of!

Fact: Maldivian players lack discipline, yet their heads are up beckhamville.

All those advertisements that depict the Maldivian players saying “this is going to be our win” (rough translation), you all are gonna fall on your faces and I am going to laugh at you.

Sure, there is a chance if you look at probability. But lets face it… when have you won?