Sheikh that booty!

The day has come that you never thought would come. Yes, reader. I am going to do the unthinkable. I am going to do the irreversible. I am going to uncharted territory without a map, torchlight or condoms. I am wandering into the undiscovered world of new… stuff. Anyway, you get the point.
I am going to thank the former Islamic Minister Shaheem.


Didn’t see that one coming did you? This here is my letter of gratitude to the Sheikh.

Dear Sheikh Shaheem,

I am but a humble student of your Islamic ways. I am but a pupil of your philosophies. I am but a follower of your actions. I am eternally grateful for telling, nay, showing me that what I have been feeling for so long is not wrong. I am of course, referring to the recent video that was “leaked” from a “hidden camera”. You’ve taught us once and for all that philandering is okay. You have taught us that keeping my trouser snake in for too long is unhealthy. You have taught us once and for all that getting up close and personal with a woman to play with her fun parts is an important part of our way of life.

All these years of having sex without the bond of marriage, I thought was wrong. I even heard you mention it in one of your lectures that went on for five hours but didn’t seem long enough. Your eternal wisdom should be sprayed on us all, much like the spray that woman in the video would have gotten when you have had your way with her, you naughty dog you.

I always wondered why everyone said sex was wrong and dirty when it was for purposes other than reproducing. But they kept doing it. You, holiest of holy sheikhs, have made the ultimate statement in the form of a question posed for society at large:“Why talk about it when you can just do it?” Or, “just stop talking about it and make a fucking video, why don’t you?”

You may not know this, but I stood up and applauded your balls. Not literally, of course, holy sheikh. I am talking metaphorically. No matter that I was standing and clapping in the middle of the work day in the work place while slacking off from work and watching videos and everyone was confused and looking at me. I didn’t care. The ultimate answer had been given to the age old question. “Do sheikhs fuck around?” the answer that you gave us was quite bad ass, if I might say so. “Watch this, bitches.”

I thank you again, oh sheikhiest of sheikhs. I will continue being a hypocrite. While I might not be able to reach the amount of sheer hypocrisy you have, I can only aspire to learn from the master himself. I will fuck to the best of my abilities and use my balls to their fullest potential. That time I was being literal though.



Your avid fan, narrow minded supporter and lifelong student,

Iya.

The sad song of whateverrrr

I’ve been listening to a song of late. This song, I find, heard too many times is kind of annoying. Okay I fib. It is, in fact, very annoying. This is not a song with music attached to it, not sung in a melodic way in which to please our sound receptors. This song is more of a whining. A whining of a certain group of people.

People who keep telling me that this here Male’ is a boring place. The song in question is the repetitive complaints they spew out.

"What-EVRRR! This place sucks! How can I enjoy anything without a Starbucks?"

"I'm like, SO bored! Let's go like, hang at the mall... oh wait... you don't have one. what-everrrr!"

and I'm like, "I don't know whats sadder, your complete disregard for your country or your fucking face."

I think words in the form of a rant just seems inadequate here. Let us try something else here. By us, I mean of course, me. Here is my response to you guys in the form of a little poem.

This place is dark, dreary and glum

This place is somewhat a giant slum

Fret do the naysayers and look down their noses

Expecting assorted pleasures on a bed of roses

While one agrees that here, pickings are slim

One must point out that all is not so grim

We don’t have McDonald’s, Pizza Huts or Starbucks

I find it hard to give a shit, a damn or two fucks

While we don’t hang around all day at huge malls

To enjoy life in this part of the world takes huge balls

I may not know the experience of a club or rave

I find such shallow endeavors is not something I really crave

While you may claim that we only have coffee after coffee

I just think that’s what you do, being so idle and time so free

I might not have the fancy life you do, but know this for sure

People here who have purpose, and convictions pure,

Have no trouble filling their lives with meaning and substance

You wander around in its complete absence

When you all come back from that three year clusterfuck

I shall still pat your back and wish you good luck.

 Schooled, bitches.

Boogle Woogle

To say that the state of current Maldives is very sad would be an understatement. That seems to be the latest trend, to pick on our great state. Even I could have said that this place is a godforsaken piece of excrement which endorses the public in a false sense of unity and the high paid politicians are shitting in our mouths. But did I say that? No I did not. Not those exact words, anyway.

But come on! Even you guys have to admit that there are NO other countries in which you can learn to do black magic and voodoo. Fuck yeah. That is the shit. Fucking badass.

Official school logo.

Listen to this. The reason why they have decided to bestow this slice of awesome to our naïve and backwards community is because we really have no idea how to defend ourselves from the cocksucking assholes who are joojoo-ing us behind our backs.

Fuck them! We’ll show them, won’t we? Yeah. It’s not like we have any other threats of being, say, being stabbed in the face by a drug deprived junkie for our wallets. Naaahhh! We’ll just take our black magic mojo training, thank you very much!

Starter kit.

And I am guessing we shall surely get our money’s worth as world renowned joojoobee enchanters and universally recognized black magic necromancer banshee dispellers will come and teach us the ways of the boogle life.

Lecturer: Bad Mojo 101

The next time any fucked up knife wielding lunatic comes towards you with that killing intent, break out your spell book and show him what you are made of. Namely blood and fragile flesh.

That’ll teach them.

For shame.

Recently, the Male' City Council discussed the "nuisance and bother" of expatriate workers who gather on Fridays to the Republic Square. Here is the article on Minivan News where you can read the details or whatnot.

Really, Male' City Council? Really? Nuisance? Bother? You know what else is a bother? You lot.

You are more than a bother. You are more than a fucking nuisance. You are a fucking joke, Male' City Council. Fuck you. In the worst possible way, fuck you all.

Who the fuck do you think you are? These are human beings, for crying out loud. They build your houses. They clean the houses they build. They fucking throw your trash. And you give them flak for going to the Republic Square once a week? Fuck that noise. Do they bother you assholes when they take all the abuse you give them? They live in shacks. Get paid minimum. They survive on scraps of food. They work harder than most Maldivians. You have the ass blasting audacity to call them a bother, you glorified collection of buttfucks?

One of the points against expatriate workers going there, is because they damage the grass? Really? You know what else damages the grass, you imp dicked retards? Get a few hundred protesters on it. Which you do on a regular basis, whichever party you hail from. Fuck this. You fuckwads make me ashamed to be called a Maldivian.

And I see you have a couple of movie stars on your group. They even did that job horrendously. What makes you think you can do a better job serving the people? You turd based life forms are a good for nothing over paid waste of air.

Also, apparently the expatriate workers are committing indecent acts in Sultan Park. You know who else commits these acts, in greater numbers? Maldivians. Fucking junkie motherfuckers and their cockbite girl counterparts. Why don't you address the nuisance and bother of fucking drug infused fucktards having a good orgy or two in the darkness, Mr. Big Shot Film Star?

Just go fuck yourselves. Obviously you would rather belittle and demean a hardworking group of people which YOU LOT brought into the country to do YOUR work than deal with real problems which are happening everyday.

These people get a free day, once a week. They hang once a week. That's not a bother. It's not even a nuisance.

Try and go after the junkies, wife beaters, child molesters, murderers, thieves, muggers, dealers and smugglers first, you clusterfuck of stupid shit for brains fucks.

Next time you are in your air conditioned offices having your personal secretary blow you, take a break from watching porn or cybersexing and look up the word empathy. It just might help you a little bit to understand how to do your fucking jobs which you are paid to do. By the people.

The Feminal Entities

Feminists. They are some of the finest women in the world. I like them. They are intelligent, open minded, easy to talk to and very civilized. But usually not very attractive. But you know what pisses me off? Feminazis. They are annoying, loud, crass and unreasonable. They tell tales of strong women and weave intricate conspiracies as to how men keep women in low jobs and how men are the enemy of the world. Let me tell you something. If we men never wanted you to, you wouldn't have the liberties you'd have now. so shut the fuck up and leave us the fuck alone. Sure, feminazis are a fucking annoyance, but at least they believe in what they are fighting for. I can respect that. I like a woman with some fight in her. It's cute.

You know what pisses me off to a greater extent? False feminists. Women who pretend to believe in the principles of feminism but are total wankers. Now I know that statement is physically contradicting, but you know what I'm getting at, don't you? I have encountered many faux feminists over the years. I have observed them for quite some time now. But this has gone too far. To the point I'm starting to sympathize with the fucking feminazis. This has to stop. Now.

You know its a sad day when a sexist has to stand up for women. I am conveying this message to all the faux feminists out there.

You know who you are. You speak of empowerment, but you behave like a fucking weakling. You talk of independence but you whine about a lack of a man in your life. You talk of equal jobs for both sexes, but you are fucking incompetent. All of you, listen up. You better start practicing what you preach or shut the fuck up before I introduce you to the back of my hand. That's right. The pimp hand. You know why? Because the world is better off without your bullshit.

That's right. You are a disgrace to women. You are no different than the countless women who act as breeding and feeding machines. You are no different than the millions of faceless women who will leave no significance after their deaths. You are no more relevant than a expired bar of Snickers. We all know you are bullshitting. Why? Because you contradict yourself at every turn. You want to be victimized. You want to be seen as the inferior sex. Stop it. You are setting women back decades. Its disgusting. No, YOU are disgusting. Don't talk about equality if you are just going to play the "I'm a woman" card every time to get out of doing any real work.

If you can't be a feminist, don't pretend to be one. If you don't believe in being an example of a strong woman, don't spin tales of being so. Fuck you. You are the worst kind of person. Even I don't pull shit like that. That's saying something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suddenly being a... non-sexist... un-sexist? Whatever. I'm me. I just don't like them faux feminists, is all.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Hey there, readers! Are you still there? Did you miss me? Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you guys. Though, that’s not from the lack of trying. Believe you me, I tried.

Sometimes it is very easy to forget the Utopia that we live in. Everything works in its finest form. Sure there are shortcomings here and there, but hey, nothing is perfect. We all have to try and stay positive about things. In these trying times, we have to. Otherwise it is very easy to forget how perfect our system is.

Being the benevolent person that I am, I am here to restore your faith in our community. I will help you see the positive.

Sure there are child raping pedophiles on the streets as you are reading this, but think of the positive; at least the children who survive these kinds of things will be stronger… or is it scarred for life and get their childhood robbed from them? I get confused with these things.

Major drug dealers who get busted with large quantities of narcotics don’t get jail time. But look at the bright side! All the minor drug offenders get life sentences or some shit. We all know that cutting the leaf of the tree will make it stop growing. Or is it the root? I get turned around on tree metaphors.

Well, of course there are a lot of murderers roaming the streets who evaded conviction due to loopholes in the justice system or some shit. But hey… do we really want those gangster types filling up and spoiling our nice jails? Do we? Do we really? Maybe we do. I don’t know… moving on!

Corruption is rampant throughout the country. Everyone knows this. But look at it this way… if the overpaid high ranking people don’t steal our money, then it all goes to improving the quality of living of the less fortunate! Fuck that noise! The day a poor man can come and eat at the same café’ that I eat is the day I lose faith in society. But come to think of it, maybe that’s the right thing to do? Reduce poverty? I mean, what do I know?

What I’m trying to say is, these are big issues. There are big shots behind desks signing documents right now! I am sure they will get around to these issues eventually. Maybe. I mean, they are paid a ridiculously large amount of money so they HAVE to try and tackle these problems, right? Maybe sometime soon they’ll stop all the petty infighting and actually DO something to further develop the country and solve some issues?

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? Or rather, who are WE kidding? These assholes won’t know the broad side of a sheet of plywood if it hit them in the face.

It's just a matter of time till the Devil comes to collect this country's soul. Good thing he's my friend.

Dear Mode

I recently came across something very disturbing. It’s an article about an article written about an article in Time Magazine. On the cover of this particular Time Magazine, there is this beautiful girl. She has raven black hair, with the tiniest hint of a brown streak. Her eyes have a penetrating look, like she is stabbing you with her gaze through the lens of the camera. But there’s something missing from her face.

Oh, that’s right… she doesn’t have a nose. She doesn’t have a fucking nose. Why, you ask? Because this young woman ran away from an abusive husband and in-laws.

In comes this fucker Ibrahim Mohamed, who starts to criticize the frikking Time Magazine article because the journalist didn’t present the husband’s and Taliban’s side of the story?

Here’s my two cents.

Hey, Ibrahim Mohamed! I’m sure you are a very smart person, judging by the quality of your English. I’m sure you’ll understand what I am trying to relay here. But I’m going to try and be as simple as possible, though.

Go fuck yourself, Ibrahim Mohamed.

I’m guessing a mutilated nose or ear is of no big deal to you. But somehow I’m getting the feeling you wouldn’t like it either if someone cut something of yours out, other than, maybe a chunk of cancer. But a nose, ear, eye, finger or penis… I am guessing not. You want two sides to the story? Here’s your two sides. An eighteen year old girl got her face cut out and the Taliban motherfuckers got a pair of ears and a nose to that human potato head they are making. Oh, there’s another side to this, you fucking opportunist fuckwit, a girl has her life ruined. She will never live happily ever after.

And you have the audacity to turn the funding for her reconstructive surgery into some kind of anti west propaganda? Fuck that noise, Mode. Can I call you Mode? Of course I can. It’s my blog, after all.

People like you are like a cancer, Mode. Not a cancer of the body or a cancer of the mind. You are a cancer on the entire world. Call Guinness the collective bunch of your hypocrites club can claim to be the biggest cancer ever.

I realize I’ve been referencing cancer too much. So I will call you other names now.

You claim that the image of the girl with the noseless face will create hatred for the Taliban, you incomprehensible moron? They are already the most hated people in the fucking world. They are the reason Muslims all over the world are having such a hard time living a normal life. Maybe it’s the senseless killing that the Taliban are into that make people hate them so much. Maybe is the endorsing of acts like beating women to death or throwing acid on their faces. I don’t know, I am just putting suggestions out there. I’m just saying that maybe people ALREADY hate the Taliban because they are responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and the consecutive ruining of countless lives. I’m just saying.

So, Mode, for a smart guy, you sure have made some rather retarded observations. I have the sneaky suspicion that you might be one of those religiously hypocrite types.

I don’t like you. And I hope you encounter bad things. At least I know that we’ll meet in hell.

See you there, Mode.