Thursday, December 27, 2012

Tuna Brain for the Soul

I recently had a conversation with a person, over the course of a few days. I just thought I'd share it here. I want you to judge for yourself, if there's judging to be done. Otherwise ignore this. I don't really care.

You heard me. I don't care.

Anyhoo, this dude is sort of a tuna brained Maldivian. When I say tuna brained, I mean that he conforms to the normal Maldivian way of thinking, living and general everything. You'll see. Now, this is as close as I can remember the conversation and the best I can translate it into English. So, if you have any problems with it, again, I don't care.

X-Ray of a tuna brain

For this conversation, I've labelled him TBM. This does not mean To Be Masturbated. It stands for Tuna Brained Maldivian.

TBM: You're six years older than me and you're not married?
Me: Yes, I don't think I'm ready for that yet, you see.
TBM: Why not?
Me: I just think my time is better spent pursuing pleasures of the flesh without being married.
TBM: Everyone should settle down as soon as they are capable of doing so.
Me: I'm not capable yet.
TBM: But you get paid a lot of money...
Me: Which I spend pursuing pleasures of the flesh... I don't think you're paying attention.
TBM: You're funny... hahahaha
Me: No, I'm really being serious.

That's one of the first conversations I had with him. Fast forward a few weeks and we come to this;

TBM: But a man cannot pierce his ears for it is haraam!
Me: Why can women do it, then?
TBM: According to Islam, which I have studied extensively, women are allowed to have jewellery. Piercings are okay. But tattoos are haraam.
Other Guy: Bullshit. If piercings are okay, then tattoos are also okay.
Me: Yeah, TBM, the Other Guy makes sense.
TBM: No! He is blaspheming! You're both blaspheming. Tattoos are haraam! I know this, because it is the way of Islam! Anyone with a tattoo is not a Muslim!
Me: And you're the expert?
TBM: Yes! You people shouldn't even think of questioning anything. I know best because I have researched these things extensively.
Me: Good on you, mate.

He started going bug eyed and started babbling nonsense, so I left the conversation for better pastures. Fruit needed to be sliced on my phone. High scores weren't going to beat themselves.

Then, many weeks later, this conversation takes place;

TBM: I swear, man, even after I'm married, I've seen a lot of naked women.
Me: ... Why are you telling me this?
TBM: I am married and I still drown in pussy.
Me: Why do you fuck around when you're married and have a kid?
TBM: No, you see, that's just it... I don't actually fuck them. I just do everything other than sex.
Me: I thought you were religious?
TBM: There's nothing in Islam against this.
Me: What?
TBM: Islam says that as long as I don't penetrate, I'm good. I can do other stuff.
Me: Look, I might not be the most religious person, but that's just wrong, man. Seriously.
TBM: I researched this extensively, and this is the loophole I found, man.
Me: No, you thought about this, and this is the loophole you reasoned yourself to accept.
TBM: What do you mean?
Me: You are a bad person. You act all kind and pious, but you're shit.
TBM: How dare you say that to me?
Me: No, how dare YOU do that to your own fucking family? Please urinate. (rough translation of the insult)
TBM: If you're going to swear at me, I'm not talking to you anymore.
Me: Please drink female ejaculate (rough translation), but that seems like something you are too fond of.
TBM: I'm going.
Me: I hope you rot in hell, asshole.If you wanna drown in pussy, don't get married when you've just reached puberty, you piece of shit.

I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore...


Yameen Rasheed said...

Lol. I meet this guy everywhere too. Typical.

One can identify Tuna Brains as usually the most perverted, depraved but somehow also the most self righteous guy in the room.

Anonymous said...

If this isn't true of all typical hypocritical supposedly-religious Maldivian men, I would have laughed out loud.

Anonymous said...

Typical TBMs. Cheat on their wives and think it's ok for them to fuck around without extending the same courtesy for their wives.

ɔɒllı™ said...

Sounds like this guy doesn't know Islam like he claims to know it. Islam isn't flawed. Humans are.
And if this whole post was a joke, I don't see the punchline. Pretty lame.