Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What i should have posted

I am going to go on about how its not cool to make someone be tortured. Especially if that someone is me. Mental torture is the worst. It makes us question who we are. Why we are here. And who’s that groping me from behind while I’m being subjected to this horrendous atrocity. I’m talking about the most brutal agony there is.

Maldivian “cinema”.

I hate the so called Maldivian Film Industry. lovingly called ‘Mollywood’, it is single handedly responsible for the godforsaken stupidity of most of the older population of Maldives, as well as regular moviegoers. These people who call themselves filmmakers looking to make a quick buck make low grade movies on minimum expense and expect maximum profit… which, lets face it, they achieve. Most of the time.

Consider this an open letter to everyone of this so called industry.

Dear sir/s and/or madam/s

I am a simple person from a simple background. I have loved movies all my life. I have grown up with them. I like the people in them. I like the gunfights in them. I like to see my childhood heroes like batman come to life on them.

But you, sir/s and/or madam/s, don’t have any value for movies. You seek only profit. You don’t have charming characters in your movies. Your characters are two dimensional. Nobody can relate to them. Nobody cares about the characters. Nobody even likes them. Except for the people you have brainwashed into liking your sob stories and your three hour cry-a-thons. So, in order to protect the spirit of cinema, that I love so much, I make a promise to you.

I will hunt you down and kill you all. No, I’m not joking.

I have had enough of your fucking pathetic whining, your crying men, dancing whores (okay maybe not the dancing whores) and you shameful and greed-ridden attempts to cash in on other peoples hard earned money. And you have the fucking nerves to call out ‘copyrights’? plagiarize much, motherfuckers? Everything you do is ripped off from some Indian movie or song. And if that wasn’t a clusterfuck in itself, you fuckbrains think your special effects are Hollywood standard. Im looking at you, Amjay.

Amjay. My niece can do a better job directing horror movies than you do. Seriously. Who the fuck you think you are, you morbidly obese small pricked cunt? I will fucking massacre you.

And all the actors. By actors I mean people paid to stand around, crying and not doing much in front of the camera. Yeah, you all can line up behind me and smell my farts for the rest of eternity, because that’s all you are good for. Even then I’m not sure you have the intelligence to actually know what a line is. And the so called actresses… you all… well, … umm… call me later… I’ll tell you what you can do.

So I hope you all will give this some thought, and I look forward to seeing some development in the *ugh* film industry. Don’t make me come after you.

Hugs and kisses,


Monday, February 16, 2009

Udhabaani: the Review

I’ll tell this to you straight: I miss the Bakhabaru News. So I guess this is a tribute to them. This one is for you, Bakhabaru. You are the greatest news team that ever existed. We need you dudes. You and your reviews.

Also, this is my first review.

I went to work the other day, and saw that my office people had a surprise waiting for me. A ticket to Udhabaani the movie. I protested at first, but finally decided to go, considering I got the ticket for free, and all my workmates were going. It could be a fun night.

Boy, was I ever wrong. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

All my office mates decided to meet up at Olympus. I arrived there and noticed a “house full” board on display. Funny, as I got the ticket for free, along with 20 other people. I wondered how many people actually paid to be there

The movie was preceded by a bunch of “trailers” and some advertisements. It seemed to be looping. Ah, finally, the movie was about to begin. I admit I was looking forward to the movie… not for the experience of cinema, as I wasn’t expecting much out of the movie, but to scare the ever loving excrement out of the three girls who had sat in front of me. I nudged a workmate who was next to me, and he got the idea. The opening credits seemed very convincing that this was a horror movie. With creepy sound and including the old weathered text effect. Unfortunately this was the highlight of the whole film. I discovered that this film was made by a bunch of people calling themselves “Learner’s Productions”. Whatever hopes I had withered away.

The movie begins and I was slapped in the face with a song and dance number. Literally. This film has a way of slapping your face with a song number. I swear, once this girl was crying her eyes out and the next second, she was singing in the rain with the hero, and the next, she was crying again. I deduct that three fourths of the dialogue of the heroine were said while crying. And every time she cries, she looks like she is having a stroke or is about to regurgitate her lunch and/or dinner. Not to mention the cheesy dialogue.

The heroine comes from a dirt poor family. So poor that when her parents are introduced in the film, they are discussing how they are going to survive. Apparently they have no money for food, or clothes. But apparently they have money to have the mother’s eyebrows done. They also have money for a ton of foundation that goes on the mothers face. And also they have a truckload of money for the amount of lip gloss that the mother wears. That’s just the mother. The only poor looking person is the father. But he gets killed off almost 15 minutes after he is introduced and is replaced by a sea monster. Which brings me to…

…the sea monster. Apparently the evil entity that haunts this movie is a horny sea monster. Yes. This evil spirit/monster of the sea, which Maldivians lovingly call a ‘fureytha’, wants to bang this chick. All I can say is, kudos. This thing wanted to sleep with this girl so bad, it killed (and probably ate) her father, disguised itself as him, and also guised itself as her boyfriend, while killing a total of four people in the course of the entire film, including the girl’s mother. What guys will do to get laid, huh?

The movie seemed endless. Three whole hours. The plot didn’t progress. The whole movie could have been summed up in 20 minutes of footage. That’s if you include a few dance numbers.
The director ‘Amjay’ went on a celebrity type show and said that this movie is not like anything any Maldivian film has ever accomplished. That may be right, I don’t know, because I don’t have anything to draw from here. But it makes me think… if this is the best that filmmaking in the Maldives has to offer, how full of crap must be the rest of the films that hit the screens of Male’?

The best part of the movie has to be when the hero gets into a legendary fight with the sea monster, and ultimately chopping its head off with a sword. But even that wasn’t good. Because it didn’t happen. There was no fight. There was no confrontation. There was no closure. After three hours of unholy melodrama, we were treated to a “to be continued” screen. And the lights went on, and I lost it and screamed out something along the lines of “what the fuck was that?” (rough translation)

Needless to say, that was the most boring, tiresome, and wasted three hours of my entire life. And this movie wasn’t even funny. Some unintentionally funny moments, though. Its hard to take a movie seriously when actors and actresses start crying at the drop of a hat and then strikes random dance poses.

Monday, February 09, 2009

A random rambling of the mind of a *something clever*

So its no wonder that men are perverts. Its true, and we all know it. Thus my initial claim that it is not, in fact, a wonder that this is so.

So if you were walking one day and someone came up to you and said “Hey, you giving me attitude?” the best thing to do then would be to respond like this: “no, but I gave your mom some last night.” Or who knows, I might be lying.

When men look at a woman, it takes a total of two seconds to check her out from head to toe, Imagine her naked while having assumed and calculated the nipple color and nether-region volume respectively and imagine boning her. So girls who want their guys not to check out chicks can stop fighting. It’s a lost cause.

Legacy of Kain games are so awesome, that I want to take it up the rear.

I would be gay for Optimus Prime.

Girls expect to be respected as much as men. Which is true. They should be respected. They should be looked in the eye and held equal to men. But its hard to concentrate on anything when they have boobs now isn’t it?

Beauty is skin deep and in the eye of the beholder. If he’s smart, skin deep beauty will be in bed with the beholder.

Crocodiles smile so much because they know they can kill the fuck out of you.

I think that men in the old times with their sarongs would have spent a lot of time sitting… what with the topless young hotties around.

You ever look at an old lady and wonder how she would have looked like when she was young? Have your thoughts gotten carried away?

The best time to be during Ramazan is the local market. Those who know what I’m talking about will know what I’m talking about.

If there’s a life after life, there’s a death after death. Are you sure you want to die multiple times? That’s just sick you morbid fuck!

Half of the people wearing black heavy metal t-shirts don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. Emo bunch of hippies.