Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Office species study
So, I was in my office one day, minding my own business, when out of the blue, it hit me that in my little department, there was a whole variety of people. I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed before… maybe it was because I didn’t really care about my office mates, or maybe it was because I’m stupid… most probably the latter. Yeah. That’s it. This has become a “thing” for me now… generalizing and categorizing people for my own amusement. I started to observe my office mates.
As I observed… I noticed something interesting. I could see individual people and groups. And then I looked around other departments, observing… and I noticed the SAME individuals and groups there too. So, what I have deducted from this is, that what I’m about to put down here is what every office must have… at least I THINK every office has. Please note that these people/groups fall outside the NORMAL people you will find inside an office.
The brown nosed ass kisser
This is the most annoying kind of person/group. Boss worshippers. These people hover around the office pretending to do work, eavesdropping on conversations. They dig up dirt on fellow office mates. The most pathetic kind of person/group. There is a 98% chance of having at least one in every department. As these people have to be observed from afar for my personal safety, I couldn’t really collect much data. The brown nosed ass kisser will have no problem backstabbing a fellow worker. Which brings us to:
The bugger faced chameleon backstabber
The bugger faced chameleon backstabber is a variation of the brown nosed ass kisser, but with a different modus operandi. The bugger faced chameleon backstabber pretends to be one of the gang, while the brown nosed ass kissers act on their own. But the bugger faced chameleon backstabber is a “part of the gang”. Laughing and joking with the others, but always conspiring a way to advance through the ranks of the office by stabbing someone in the back. This is one of the most dangerous species of office life. But fear not. I have devised a way to draw one out. Gather your office gang and start having a casual conversation. Then after a while after everyone is well and comfortable, start making fun of the boss. This will either make him/her uncomfortable or make him/her look desperate to fit in. you see, since the bugger faced chameleon backstabber is a variation of the brown nosed ass kisser, his/ her “respect” for the boss is rooted in to his/ her “heart”. Use this weakness to draw out this dangerous species.
The spice girl type bimbo chicks
It is a well known fact that women like to work in groups. THESE people, however may be the most annoying bunch in office history. The spice girl type bimbo chicks travel in groups too. Noticeable by extremely high pitched giggling and constant loud phone conversations with their boyfriends. Their conversations mostly include new make ups and creams, clothing, television programs, movie stars and how shitty their boyfriends’ are, because he couldn’t afford to buy her that new gold watch she wanted. Poor dear. The spice girl type bimbo chicks like to take constant trips to the bathroom, for reasons that vary from powdering their nose, to doing the actual bathroom business. Don’t ask… you can also notice that the members of this tribe are exceptionally skilled in text messaging. The spice girl type bimbo chicks use their feminine sexuality to entice the office male staff to do their work for them. They are sworn enemies with the overall asshole/bully (see below). While unfit for a professional environment, the spice girl type bimbo chicks are quite popular with management level people in the office. Which is the reason, I believe, for the survival of the species.
The snot brained know-it-all
The snot brained know-it-all was the most entertaining of all to observe. During my study, I encountered at least one from every department in my office. With one in my own department, which was the subject of my study. The snot brained know-it-all is exactly how he/she sounds. A know-it-all with snot for brains. The snot brained know-it-all pretends to be the master of all crafts, and on some level, he/she really believes that. But often, very often he/she gets in way over his/her head and falls flat on his/her face. Identifiable by an overconfident look and utters the phrases like “i know that the best” or “that’s child’s play” mostly around superiors. These groups can be mostly identified by terrified looks in their eyes when tasks are distributed. Go figure.
The wannabe superior butt lick
The wannabe superior butt lick is a frustrating breed. Usually plays protégé to the manager or department head. The wannabe superior butt lick roams around the office looking down their noses at people and barking orders at people, which falls on to deaf ears. Of course no one listens to a wannabe superior butt lick… he/she is a butt lick, for crying out loud. The wannabe superior butt lick usually works very less, but this goes unnoticed, because he/she is usually the boss’s pet. The wannabe superior is popular with the brown nosed ass kissers and the bugger faced chameleon backstabbers.
The overall asshole/bully
The overall asshole/bully is a very reclusive person. He/she spends most of his time thinking up ways to insult, put down, break the spirits of his/her co workers. The overall asshole/bully usually pulls pranks on his/her fellow office mates. The overall asshole/ bully is usually male, although there might be a female somewhere. From what I observed, the overall asshole/bully walks the fine line between being hated and liked. Although his/her antics annoy people and make some people hate him/her, some people look to him/her for a break from the mundane routine of work. Usually the overall asshole/bully is just an asshole. He/she is not popular with the superiors. The overall asshole has a tendency to NOT bend over for managers and department heads, which doesn’t bode well for the boss worshipping groups. The overall asshole/bully loathes anyone who annoys him/her, especially the spice girl type bimbo chicks. All in all the overall asshole/bully is a rebel, and survives just by a marginal technicality most of the time, because, for his/her survival, he/she has an extensive knowledge of office rules and regulations and knows loopholes. This is mostly knowledge passed down from overall asshole/bully to overall asshole/bully.
This completes my study into the life of people/groups inside an office. I wish I could provide a more extensive report, but my break is almost over and I have to go. As for me, I fall under the overall asshole/bully. Yes. That’s me.
So if your office/workplace has any additional groups like these, I’d love to hear from you. look for a sequel to this article in the near future.
Also you might notice that this article wasn’t gender biased. Not one bit. Cheerio!