Monday, December 07, 2009

Free excuses, free of charge.

We see chicks with buruga. And we see chicks without buruga. As it was fashionable to don a buruga two to three years ago, it is now a fad to take it off. Here are some excuses to do so. Please note that these excuses are mildly researched so that parents may accept them too, because most Maldivian parents are kind of stupid. Any parent who lets their girl prance around in Islamic slut wear is safe to be considered so.

To sum up, the following are excuses or reasons to take the frikking thing off.

1. It doesn’t match with your clothes

2. It makes your hair frizzy

3. It makes your scalp itch, due to a scalp infection, which occurred because of the restricted airflow to your scalp

4. You want to have a career and everyone knows burugees can’t get ahead in this world

5. You wore buruga because you had sinned and wanted to atone for them. Now that you’ve failed to atone, might as well do it half naked.

6. Deep down, you are a skank. But you don’t want to make a mockery of religion.

7. You’re wearing tight jeans that show of your ass anyway, so why not show more?

8. You aren’t doing the world any favors by not showing us cleavage.

9. Cleavage is important.

10. All hail cleavage.

11. Listen, you all are probably going to hell anyway. I’ve seen the list, and it is preeeetty long.

12. We all know you like to show us that bodonkadonk.

13. If your grabastic, you owe us some eye candy.

14. It no longer matches your moral view. (you have no morals)

15. It makes you look fatter than you really are. No, I’m serious.

16. Why look like you are at 50% when you can be a 100%?

17. The beardies target chicks in buruga for their sex slave industry (statistically unproven, but a scary thought.)

18. Here’s a good one: Wearing buruga makes you irresistible to men, and you are endlessly hounded on the street.

19. You aren’t within your parents reach in a foreign land.

20. There was supposed to be a twentieth point, but I can’t be bothered.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Who needs Shakespeare?

The blogosphere is full of poetry. some are good, while most of it is god-awful. I mean really lame and fucked up. Tonight, I wrote my own version of poetry.

How does a hypocrite get clothed and geared?
Maybe a turban and some kind of gross beard.
So much turned off is he by modern times,
He has no choice but to take underage concubines.
What is he to do when he is loathed and hated?
Except maybe get women demeaned and berated?
Why should he believe in hygiene or sanitary pads
When the world has much disease to be had?
One can but wonder how stupid he really is
Or his strong beliefs are really his
The barrages of self righteous teachings seem constant
Though preaching peace through violence seems redundant
He still persists, on and on, demeaning and defiling
Because free will and free speech to him, is most reviling
Maybe we should all get his kind a nice island somewhere
And maybe bury a few thousand claymore mines there
So that without him, the world will finally enjoy peace,
And let those who choose it, get on with their anal grease
Let the world be free of their pedophilia and lies
For they themselves, slowly march towards their demise.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Only a Maldivian: part 1

This is hopefully the first in a series of posts to come whenever. Thus the whole 'part 1' thing I got going in the header.

I recently came up across this:

click to enlarge

It's a group on facebook, that I came across. I have circled the stuff I thought was interesting. And i censored the stuff I thought you don't need to know. Like what I was browsing, which was totally not porn. Back to the point... It is, for the love of god, a facebook group which was created against twitter.

Let me break it down for you.

Apparently, the creator of this particular group thought that, and I am quoting here, "tweeting is stupid, lame and a waste of time". Wake up call: this group is on facebook. the single most time wastage facilitating website in recent history. I don't have any problem with this, it's just that this itself seems a bit self contradictory, don't you think?

Notice the witty email address:
Wow. Just wow. This has got to be the epitome of sarcastic wit. The sheer genius of this email address just made George Carlin roll in his grave.

That's it. I just thought this was funny as hell. I wonder what drove the creator of this group to do this...
maybe he/she doesn't realize that facebook and twitter were made to waste time? That is their purpose, you know.

Maybe they'll ponder at these points on the Against Twitter trip they are planning or something.

Like I said, only a Maldivian, dude. Only a Maldivian.

Also, I couldn't be bothered to link it. So you can find it for yourself on facebook if you want.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Bill, please.

When I first saw the posters for the now famous Bilal Philips (Bill) I was indifferent. Who cares, right? But then, Bill actually came and the Islamic type people where real excited. After all, this was a big deal for them. Billy was here.
So he came, and started talking a lot of bullshit.

Bill said it was okay to marry underage children. Because apparently, according to Islam, once a girl experiences her first… ugh… menstruation, she's eligible for marriage (and sex). Well, Bill, you gave all the haabees a boner there.

Bill confirmed that it was alright for your babies to get the proper vaccinations. Thank you Billy. We couldn’t have known that babies with not yet fully functional immune systems and whatnot need essential medical care without you telling us.

I am not here for that. Underage sex slaves and other shit, while important, isn’t as important as this. Who the fuck gave you the right to diss smoking?
Apparently smoking is not allowed in Islam.

Who the fuck gave you the right to fuck with peoples’ heads, Bill? I thought you were cool. You had the wacky hat and everything. I will not stand idly by when people are quitting based on your biased opinion. It’s true. People are actually quitting because you dragged your lanky ass on that stage and started spewing out your bullshit. Fuck you and anyone you are associated with.

I will smoke twice as much now just out of spite. Also, all this time, if a person didn’t smoke, I left him/her alone… from now on, I will make people smoke. Get them addicted. I will distribute free cigarettes for school children. I will pass out cigars at hospitals. I will make Male’ a fucking smoking only zone. We will win by sheer numbers, Bill. We will kill you to death by passive smoking your retarded ass.
And I call upon all smokers! Do your part! We shall not let some self righteous dickweed tell us what to do. We shall unite, yet once again (I know I call out for unity oh so often) and obliterate these non believers of the power of tobacco! If they call us infidels to the way of religion, fuck them and call them tobacco infidels!

Fuck you Bill, and have a nice life in brown town.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Thousand Apologies

I was recently directed to a blog about apologies. This was done so by a friend. And if this is a subtle hint at something, I don’t get it.

This particular blog has people apologizing to other people anonymously. It is pointless, but endlessly fun to read.

So, in light of this awesomely hilarious blog, I decided to dedicate this post to apologizing to people. Only not anonymously.

There are a few people that I might have offended over the course of my life. This is a start.

I wholeheartedly apologize to all the trainee teachers I have come across during the course of my school years. I did not in anyway wish to participate in the verbal abuse and projectile attacks which led to your crying in the middle of the class. Okay maybe that’s a lie. It was totally fun. But I am still sorry. Somewhat.

I apologize to all shallow materialistic slutbuckets for calling you all shallow materialistic slutbuckets. When in fact you should have been called blood sucking, soul draining cockbites.

I am sorry for always having it in for rich, spoilt brats. So you never had to work and had everything handed to you. So what? You still have your mommies to wipe your asses, don’t you?

I am sorry for calling the Islamic fundies by names. I shouldn’t have done that. You all are beyond words and names. You all are the scum of the earth. Pedophilia in the name of religion is still pedophilia. Murder in the name of religion is still murder, you ass sucking turd nuggets! Oh dear… I did it again.

I apologize to Amjay for being the fucktard he is. I am sorry that you are a fucking idiot, and I am sorry that you are a disgrace to the human race. I am sorry you are so ugly and fat. I am sorry you can’t see your own penis. I am also sorry to have seen that filth you spew and call movies. I only wish that you realize what a pathetic waste of space you are.

I am sorry, anonymous cowards. I am sorry you weren’t born without a spine.

That was a load off my chest! I am glad I took the time to do this. I feel like a better person already. Thank you all for being part of this process. This is healing in the works. This is the more beautiful side of human nature.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Medical atrocity

I have been away from this blog, but I haven’t been away from bringing you all the truth.

I have addressed some psychological… disturbances… in a previous post. So, based on that I have done extensive research in the field of psychology and physiology among the sexes. And I am not, I repeat, I am not talking about girl on guy reverse cowgirl sweat and moaning action… though I should be. I am talking about men and women, and their differences, psychologically… and physiologically.

Contrary to popular belief, men are as susceptible to physical and mental ailments as women. No, it’s totally true. Well, maybe not as much on the mental stuff as much as women. Women are fucking crazy.

Well, men still can get fucked up in the head and body. But in our defense, its mostly to impress women. So again, women are to blame. So there. But, we can’t play the blame game all the time, someone needs to do something about these serious psychological… umm… thingies. Here are two of the physical and psychological disorders/syndromes/watchacallits that affect men.

Double Douchebagitis

This particular ailment is a deadly one. This can affect a person, and the people around him. Double Douchebagitis (hereby referred to as DD) is a result of the Rap Virus entering the bloodstream of the male host and rendering his sense of reason (and fashion) useless. A patient of DD can be identified primarily by his choice of clothes. A baseball cap or a hat of some kind is common among DD patients. Though the Rap Virus fucks up their heads so much, that they don’t know which way a visor should face. Usually facing sideways, these caps would be crying if they weren’t inanimate pieces of headgear. Also, DD patients have severe speech impediments, though they often try to pass this off as slang. Also, they tend to wear loose pants which leave the onlooker with the sight of the patients’ dirty boxers. No one wants to or needs to see that. And DD patients also act like they are better than everyone else, but this is because of the virus. This is how the name of this sad disease is derived.

Also, bling. Ugh.

Just look at the amount of degradation *sniffles*

Tightesterone Malfunctionary Douchebaggeritiva

This is a particularly annoying form of disease which affects men. Tightesterone Malfunctionary Douchebaggeritiva (hereby referred to as TMD) is a direct result of infection of the Celebrity Virus. As with DD patients, you can easily identify TMD patients from their clothes. Tight, sometimes see through clothes. The victims of this sad delusion causing blight are also hearing impaired. They seem to think that the cacophony that is popular music, popularly called pop music by most of the population, is actually ‘cool’ or ‘good’. As us sane people know, these sounds are nothing but audibly distinct abominations. Care must be taken in interacting with these tortured souls as these patients have their brains re-routed to their penises. You know… because of TMD. And because of this, their brain cells tend to die out to the point that they can’t even spell their own names.

Seezan? Seeson? Seaxon? C-zan?

And the saddest part of it all is that medical science simply does not have a single cure for these ailments. And these diseases in their worst cases are, in fact, contagious. May god help us all.