Monday, June 28, 2010

Marriage proposal

If Bollywood movies has taught us anything, it is that love knows no bound, limits, or no amount of stalkery and/or harassment. Don’t look at me like that. I know all of you have done it. And if you deny having watched Bollywood movies, you are a filthy, filthy liar. Anyway, as I was saying, love knows nothing. As such, the fates have conspired in my favor and is uniting me and the most angelic of women ever to grace mankind.

I am talking about, of course, my one true love, Angela Gossow. She is coming to see me. That’s right. In the pretense of “performing” at a “rock show”, she is answering the call of destiny and coming here to seek out the other, sexier half of her heart that is me.

Yes, kids, sexier than this.

I thought, as she must eagerly read my blog regularly (it is only logical, as she is madly in love with me too); I’d do the most romantic thing anyone has ever done in the history of… romantic… stuff, and propose to Angela Gossow here. Yes, baby, I know you are reading this. It won’t be long now.

You haunt my dreams. Literally. Even killed me a couple of times in them.

Marry me, Angela Gossow, for I am awesome. Ever since your angelic voice first touched my eardrums and made them bleed, I have been in love with you. Like a fat kid loves ice cream. Like Fareed loves to dress up like a woman. Like how windows vista loves to crash. I know you love me too, Angela Gossow. Why else would you wait for days on end in front of your monitor and wait for me to update my blog? It doesn’t matter that you haven’t contacted me or acknowledge my existence in any way. (can’t let the media find out we are together and have a field day with it, after all, when it is someone as good looking and well endowed as me, they will.) When two people love each other as much as we do, you just know, y’know…

Damn right she knows...

I’ve even photoshopped your face on top of all the pictures I’ve had of women celebrities. And porn stars. Don’t you see? It is not some attempt at a sleazy masturbatory aid. Totally not that at all. I don’t want to want anyone but you. Which is why I was surprised you made a big deal about that vial of bodily fluid I sent you. You accidentally went to the authorities and now they’ve banned me from ever entering your country. Your PR people accidentally put out a disclaimer warning people about me even… funny how that happened. Anyway, I was left thinking, ‘how can I meet my lovely Angela Gossow’s Parents now?’ then I realized, you are planning on bringing them along! I am so excited, I’ve even decided to forgive you for being a vegetarian. And I won’t even try to force feed you beef… much.

kelly Brooks never looked more delicious

Feel that inside your head? That was your mind being blown.

I am so glad you finally decided to come to Male’, Angela Gossow. I already have a plan to whisk you away in the dead of night when no one else will know. For security purposes, not even you may know. I know, I know, it kinda sounds like kidnap depending on how you look at it. But like bollywood has taught us, crime in the name of love is technically not crime. Its love. I know you are nervous. I’m not. Angela Gossow my dearest, I have been waiting for you to get over yourself and get that delicious looking tush of yours over here for quite a while now. You’ve been a naughty girl, Angela Gossow, and you deserve a spanking. And maybe after that, you can spank me too.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

One of those posts

First off, I want it on the record that I am better than you. You the reader. Yes, you. In every way. This is not speculation. This is fact. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. I am the everlasting center of the frikking universe. I am the pinnacle of human evolution. I am the infinite pool of wisdom.

I forget what I was trying to convey.

So instead of that, we’ll discuss something that has been bugging me for a bit. By discuss, I mean I’ll rant here and you will read.

In light of the whole atheist fiasco and the recent headhunt started by my dear friends the fundies, I feel like I should make something clear. This here blog is not an Islam bashing blog. Its not a gay bashing blog. It is not an Amjay bashing blog. But this here blog bashes anything I damn well please to bash.

I don’t kid when I say I don’t trash my dearest religion that I was brought up to believe in. Islam is a cool thing. But I so fucking hate the haabees who are running it now. I say running because that’s whats happening. If I don’t conform to their (idiotic outdated) beliefs, then I am not a muslim. In what world is this logical? Who am I kidding… they don’t care much for logic
But I get sidetracked.

Sure the bearded brothers of fundamentalist Islam are easy target for jokes, but the point it, I can post whatever the fuck I please here.

If I wanted to talk about fuckers with long beards who abuse women and children in the name of religion, I’d talk about that.

If I wanted to talk about how people who don’t give a fuck about the environment are ruining the planet, I’d talk about that.

If I wanted to talk about how the environmentalist assholes act like they are better than everyone else, I’d talk about that.

Too much shit happening to talk about just one thing, eh? What am I asking you for? To make you feel better. I’m always right and I don’t really have to ask. Consider it a courtesy. See, I can be polite when I want to.

So whatever you want to label me, you label me. And whatever you label someone else, go ahead. Because there’s nothing anyone can do about it. But just remember, you are a piece of shit little nobody and I am the sound of reason. I am the epitome of human understanding. I am the essence of awesomeness.

I forget what I was talking about again…