Monday, April 26, 2010

Womens Breasts

Boobs. Boobs are the most important invention since that other thing they invented. Who cares? Boobs.

As you all know, this boobquake thing is awesome. Who am I kidding? Its not only awesome, it may be the single most awesome idea yet this century. Even the PS3 comes after boobs. That’s how important boobs are to us. By us I mean all men. And women. Just humanity in general.


Men will go to any lengths to see, feel, smell or even be near boobs. Why, when John Logie Baird invented the television, it was because he had a vision that many, many men and many, many women will be watching boobs on it someday. Neil Armstrong went to the moon, because he knew that upon returning to earth, he will have a mighty fine catalogue of boobs to choose from.

You know what? Just look at these.

Salma Hayek Cleavage from Hollywood.

Ryan Reynolds hits that. Yeah. Fuck you, Reynolds.

Political cleavage courtesy of Sarah Palin. Dumb chicks have the best boobs.

God crafted boobs with care. These, however were expertly crafted with silicone.

If that didn't make my case, then i shall see you in hell, because you are not right in the head. Also, fuck the Iranian clergy for even thinking that these beautiful things could cause earthquakes. Violent fights, car crashes, infidelity or murder, maybe. But most certainly no earthquakes!!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Divine Intervention?

In these times of religious propaganda, one cannot help but think about these things. Religious things. Like, God and stuff. The meaning of life, the things that make the world tick. In these wonderings of thoughts, I have realized something of utmost importance. I realize it may not be the most pleasant thing to hear or read, in this case… but rest assured, this is important. Important like cheese is important to pizza. Important like water is important to the ocean. Important like batteries are important to a vibrator. Important like… well, you get the gist of what I’m about to say.

God hates ugly chicks. Yes. I told you it might be shocking and/or unpleasant. But if you really think about it, you will see the sense in this. And I, in all my staggering benevolence, will try and help you grasp this (totally true) concept.

First off, you would like to think that all of humankind is equal. And if you are religious, that god loves everyone equally. See, this is not right. The wealthy and poor prove that not all people are equal, and also are not created equal at that. Children of super rich people are BORN rich. And if you noticed, rich people aren’t ugly. People who started wealth in ugliness have spent a considerable amount of time and a fuckton of money to make sure that they are beautiful. Why does this have anything to do with God, you say? Don’t rush me, dammit!

See, if there are any people who claim that God loves them more than anyone else are our beloved beardies. But the problem is, they are ugly. Like a donkey’s ass when its spurting out yesterdays undigested chlorophyll. What they are in the process of doing is that they have opened up a series of shops all around the capital and are hoping to get enough money to get reconstructive surgeries, breast implants, botox treatments and liposuctions for the whole gang. This is important, because God hates people who look like they left their pubes growing for so long that it migrated north.

The other half is even more disgusting.

Wait… how did an article about ugly people turn out to be about beardies, you say? It’s not. And again, don’t fucking rush me, okay?

Chicks, you need to save up money and get yourself beautified. You know that saying that ‘Beauty is only skin deep”? Well, guess what? That’s the depth that really matters. Guys don’t go for skinless chicks, anyway.

Hot chicks have been blessed by God in so many ways. They get rides and free food and coffee and sex with whoever they want to. I mean who-the-fuck-ever. Hey, ugly chick! You really think your boyfriend wont jump into bed (or another surface) if given the chance with a hot chick? God wants you to be beautiful. If this world is only a test for the afterlife, maybe your test is to be beautiful. I mean seriously. This is for your own good.

They say that this look alone can bring untold orgasms.

Now, I am not saying that all women are man oriented, though most Maldivian women are. For the more career oriented person… God blesses hot chicks with glamorous jobs titles like “movie star” or “singer” or “TV anchor”. All of which are way easier than the pencil pushing job that you are stuck in. You really think Britney Spears made all that money because she was talented? As recent incidents have pointed out, she’s not even mentally stable. It was because she used to be hot. And wasn’t afraid to put out.

So, hey, you don’t HAVE to believe me. Don’t shoot the messenger. Also, don’t be a haabee and behead the messenger either. All I ask is that you think about this. All I have done is taken the (overwhelming) evidence and brought to you a minor tickle of it to you. Live blind while your boyfriend secretly bangs a hotter looking woman with a better job than you OR do something about it. Divide that unibrow into two! Get rid of that acne! Go see a dentist or something to get those teeth straightened! get rid of that gut… nobody likes it no matter how many people ‘claim’ that it makes you look cute and chubby.