Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Divine Intervention?

In these times of religious propaganda, one cannot help but think about these things. Religious things. Like, God and stuff. The meaning of life, the things that make the world tick. In these wonderings of thoughts, I have realized something of utmost importance. I realize it may not be the most pleasant thing to hear or read, in this case… but rest assured, this is important. Important like cheese is important to pizza. Important like water is important to the ocean. Important like batteries are important to a vibrator. Important like… well, you get the gist of what I’m about to say.

God hates ugly chicks. Yes. I told you it might be shocking and/or unpleasant. But if you really think about it, you will see the sense in this. And I, in all my staggering benevolence, will try and help you grasp this (totally true) concept.

First off, you would like to think that all of humankind is equal. And if you are religious, that god loves everyone equally. See, this is not right. The wealthy and poor prove that not all people are equal, and also are not created equal at that. Children of super rich people are BORN rich. And if you noticed, rich people aren’t ugly. People who started wealth in ugliness have spent a considerable amount of time and a fuckton of money to make sure that they are beautiful. Why does this have anything to do with God, you say? Don’t rush me, dammit!

See, if there are any people who claim that God loves them more than anyone else are our beloved beardies. But the problem is, they are ugly. Like a donkey’s ass when its spurting out yesterdays undigested chlorophyll. What they are in the process of doing is that they have opened up a series of shops all around the capital and are hoping to get enough money to get reconstructive surgeries, breast implants, botox treatments and liposuctions for the whole gang. This is important, because God hates people who look like they left their pubes growing for so long that it migrated north.

The other half is even more disgusting.

Wait… how did an article about ugly people turn out to be about beardies, you say? It’s not. And again, don’t fucking rush me, okay?

Chicks, you need to save up money and get yourself beautified. You know that saying that ‘Beauty is only skin deep”? Well, guess what? That’s the depth that really matters. Guys don’t go for skinless chicks, anyway.

Hot chicks have been blessed by God in so many ways. They get rides and free food and coffee and sex with whoever they want to. I mean who-the-fuck-ever. Hey, ugly chick! You really think your boyfriend wont jump into bed (or another surface) if given the chance with a hot chick? God wants you to be beautiful. If this world is only a test for the afterlife, maybe your test is to be beautiful. I mean seriously. This is for your own good.

They say that this look alone can bring untold orgasms.

Now, I am not saying that all women are man oriented, though most Maldivian women are. For the more career oriented person… God blesses hot chicks with glamorous jobs titles like “movie star” or “singer” or “TV anchor”. All of which are way easier than the pencil pushing job that you are stuck in. You really think Britney Spears made all that money because she was talented? As recent incidents have pointed out, she’s not even mentally stable. It was because she used to be hot. And wasn’t afraid to put out.

So, hey, you don’t HAVE to believe me. Don’t shoot the messenger. Also, don’t be a haabee and behead the messenger either. All I ask is that you think about this. All I have done is taken the (overwhelming) evidence and brought to you a minor tickle of it to you. Live blind while your boyfriend secretly bangs a hotter looking woman with a better job than you OR do something about it. Divide that unibrow into two! Get rid of that acne! Go see a dentist or something to get those teeth straightened! get rid of that gut… nobody likes it no matter how many people ‘claim’ that it makes you look cute and chubby.


The Dark One said...

damn straight, we dont like your personality at first.. we look at the physical looks at first so make an effort to not look like a tramp who just woke up from the corner..

bandey said...

and no guy really looks at your shoes. Infact that's the last thing we look at, that is also if we decided to look.

The Shadowrunner said...

I lol'd. HARD.

asemah said...

God doesn’t hate ugly chicks. No, he just gave them the opportunity to find true soul mates. Thorough years of grinding through awkward blind dates, spiraling into depression induced eating binges and regular vibrator abuse when they actually do find that special someone they can be sure that he’s as desperate as she is, and thus far more likely to be faithful.

Actually scratch that IMHO regular chicks in male get way more action than the overly hot ones. Most guys are too scared of rejection to actually ask the hot girls out. A girl below their league is a way easier conquest (also thank you god for the doggie and reverse cowgirl)

Anonymous said...

God did not create humans equal.. thats the reason an afterlife is necessary. Not that its also necessary. But god out of justice necessitated it. Sure the rich are rich and the poor are poor, beauty is skin deep...etc We shall not be obsessed with these things. if we shall be obsessed with something than its the afterlife. Because the afterlife promises abundance of bliss and suffering..

Now its quite easy to discount hereafter (nobody has seen it has he?) as a lot of mumbo jumbo and old tales... but what if this hereafter turns out to be true after all? Considering the vastness of space, the enormity of the creation, the astounding beauty of the cosmos... why then can we disbelieve an afterlife? The god (or who else?) who created the visible universe with together with what is invisible can surely stage a judgment day and create a hell and paradise which can house the inhabitants of earth. Earth in cosmic scale is even less than a fraction of a dust particle.

Azhoora said...

HAHAHAH! Dude!! What do u NOT think about? :P

knaschru said...

man, ur bitch has gotta be hot!

Anonymous said...

could this blog be inspired by the fact your weenie is kinda teeny and just once is enough to get the hot ones running outta the door?

Naena said...

yip! this makes sense.

useful.idiot said...

words fail me on this one. what can i say.. you did it again!

Shy said...

Oh I agree! LOL good to know u dont sugarcoat anything :)