Thursday, April 23, 2009

For a friend

Friends may just be the most precious commodity in this world. They are the people who lift you up when you are down. They are the people who fix you up after you break up with your woman. They are the ones you turn to in times of need. We all need friends. And when someone messes with your friends, you don’t take it lying down.

It seems like just yesterday I ran into my bud Satan. I was walking home after tripping over an old man into a puddle. I was five, or so, I think. He seemed delighted. He pointed and laughed at the man before talking to me.

We have been BFF ever since.

It appears that the wahhaabees are hell bent on blaming Satan for everything. See what I did there? I had no idea things had escalated this much. Its getting out of hand.

I was trying to sleep when I got a call. It was Satan’s mom. Apparently, he had been in his room for a week. She wanted me to go talk to him. So I made the trip to hell, after the long ritual of human sacrifice and goats blood and some pentagrams. I admit it was nice visiting hell after so long. Its always Satan who comes to visit me.

Ma Satan was waiting for me at the palace. I patted the pet dragon Azazel. I had missed him the most. Ma Satan led the way to Satan’s room, wished me good luck and left. I knocked and entered. Familiar Black Sabbath music rang through the room.

He sat there. In the dark. It was nice the way his eyes light up when I come over. I mean literally. They light up with fire or something.

He told me how the damn wahhaabees were going about blaming him for every little thing. How is it his fault that people can’t keep it in their pants? He has bigger fish to fry. Who do you think keeps the Middle Eastern war going?

So I learnt that even Satan was sick of the haabees’ hypocrisy. So I told him what I would’ve told anyone at that point. If someone tries to oppress you, then you should fight back. Give them hell. But in this case, not literally. Then we started to talk about the old times. And that really started to cheer him up. We had a couple of goblets of virgin blood and had a good time with the succubae. I saw the old Satan again. Well, almost. Then I had the best idea.

We decided to go down the torture chambers and rip open a haabee or two. Yeah, that cheered him up real nice. There are a lot of them down there to choose from you know.

Don’t believe me? You’ll see for yourself when you are down there… soon enough.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Environmental Studies or something.

This has been a long time coming. I’ve been away so I couldn’t get around to posting this until now. This post is for all the people who rode on vehicles on the whole environment day ‘no vehicles’ segment. From the deepest depths of my cold dead heart, I wish you all die painful deaths and rot the fuck in hell.

Okay maybe not that extreme. But I really do think you all are a bunch of half brained fuckheads with nothing better to do than to disgrace the god given gift of sentience.

If anyone who rode a motorcycle on that day, fuck you. By fuck you I mean go fuck yourself.

You completely missed the point of that day, dumbasses.

The reason it was encouraged to not to use vehicles for transportation that day was to unite in some small act of environmental care. Voluntarily.

So all of you who were trying to be a bad ass by driving or riding, feeling good about your delusion that your ‘street cred’ will rocket off the charts, congratulations! You have succeeded in making an ass out of yourself. Not only are you a lame ass fuck nugget, you are also a dweeb. Get that stick out of your ass because the only way you can be a bad ass is that you have to grow a new one. Because the one you have is lame.

Those of you who wanted to ‘fight the power’ because the ‘government wants you not to ride motorbikes’ and you won’t bow to their whims, congratulations! You are a grade-A moron. Nobody said you were forced to. There were no laws to forbid anyone to drive anything. The government couldn’t give an ass fucked rat on a cracker with cheese if you rode your motorcycle in your fucking birthday suit. The only thing you should have fought was that urge to prove to everyone that you are an asshole who likes sucking dick.

Those of you who thought that in some way, your needs were just too important and you didn’t have to participate in anything, congratulations! You are a self absorbed prick! Get over yourselves. You think you are so much better than everyone that you are above and beyond everything? Fuck you. Your needs are nothing. It doesn’t matter what you think. The fact of the matter is, you are not better than anyone. You didn’t have the fucking sensibility to be part of something that’s bigger than that little world you created for yourself. You are a retard. And chances are your children are going to be, too.

And one last question. Who would you be hurting if you turned off your lights for a freaking hour, you bunch of bitches?