I noticed that in most magazines, they have an “ask *insert name here*” section. In this particular section, people send in letters and stuff, seeking advice for their personal dilemmas from an anonymous stranger. I thought how much fun it would be to have my own “ask Iya” section in a magazine.
This is what I think the end result would look like:
Example #1
Dear Iya, my boyfriend doesn’t respect me. He always teases me in front of his friends and doesn’t consider my opinion in our relationship. What should I do? – Aisha
Jeez! Stop being a fucking drama queen and DO something about it, Aisha. It seems its not your relationship and its HIS relationship. If you act like a damsel in distress you will be treated like trash. Butch the fuck up.
Example #2
My girlfriend and I don’t seem to connect emotionally. But we always go out. I always buy stuff for her when she wants to. When she goes for a coffee with her friends she brings me along and I pay the bill. What’s wrong here? Why can’t we seem to connect? Help me, Iya. I really love her. – Shameem
No offence, dude, but it seems like your girlfriend is a materialistic bitch. She’s just using you to get stuff. She probably has another boyfriend. If you are looking for a “deep” and “meaningful” relationship, dump her ass and get a more mature girl. And don’t give me that “I really love her” speech, you fucking pussy! You make me sick.
Example #3
I have no reason to live. Everyone hates me. My girl left me and my friends don’t really care about me. I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I don’t know what to do. Life sucks. I hate life. – anonymous
The world doesn’t revolve around you. Get over yourself. Shit happens. Life doesn’t stop. Fuck you. I hate people like you who think life sucks. Life doesn’t suck. YOU suck. So what if your girlfriend left you? Who wouldn’t? You sound like an overgrown crybaby! Just get another one. And as for your friends, IF they are your friends, they would care no matter what. You don’t want to kill yourself. You just want attention. Grow a pair of balls, why don’t you?
The most dangerous man is the man who has nothing to lose. Think about that.
**DISCLAIMER**
All people depicted are fictitious. Any resemblance to real life problems of real life people are purely coincidental.
This post is purely humorous and if you dont get the joke, go fuck yourselves.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Penis size theory: Directors cut (ouch)
This is a thought that occured to me the other day. I was drinking my coffee at my usual place,... seagull cafe'. I was with a bunch of friends. A typical guy coffee. we talked typical guy things and I was in a typical guy mentality.
Then, a guy walks in. On either side, he's got two HOT chicks. when I say hot, I mean HOT. The guy looks like he's used to luxury. Then one of my friends ask me, "Why do all the rich guys get all the chicks?"
Maybe it was the caffeine, maybe I'm just wired that way, but I couldnt help saying, "All the money is to compensate for their small penises." Gears startedworking in my head. I had felt this before. Yes. This is familiar. A theory was about to be born. I was amazed that i kept on talking and it made sense... below is the result.
Iya's Theory on the relation of financial well being and Penis size!!
Rich men have small penises. They need to show off. They have girls, but they are materialistic.
The average earner has an average penis. He does good for himself.
The underpaid and overworked have slightly above the average sizes of penises. They might have a hard time providing, but damn, they can satisfy their women.
The people with the biggest penises are STARVING IN AFRICA!!!
Then, a guy walks in. On either side, he's got two HOT chicks. when I say hot, I mean HOT. The guy looks like he's used to luxury. Then one of my friends ask me, "Why do all the rich guys get all the chicks?"
Maybe it was the caffeine, maybe I'm just wired that way, but I couldnt help saying, "All the money is to compensate for their small penises." Gears startedworking in my head. I had felt this before. Yes. This is familiar. A theory was about to be born. I was amazed that i kept on talking and it made sense... below is the result.
Iya's Theory on the relation of financial well being and Penis size!!
Rich men have small penises. They need to show off. They have girls, but they are materialistic.
The average earner has an average penis. He does good for himself.
The underpaid and overworked have slightly above the average sizes of penises. They might have a hard time providing, but damn, they can satisfy their women.
The people with the biggest penises are STARVING IN AFRICA!!!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
My post: analyzed
I have never been analyzed. not professionally, anyway... which my friends seem to think should happen soon. but i HAVE been analyzed blogerically (thats not a word, get over it.)
My post on virginity has been taken for critisizm by Maldivian Critique.
check it out, its written very well, although kinda biased... I didnt know i generated attention like that. It feels nice that my work is appreciated. All the people who read my blog and all the people who comment, thank you. I feel that its overdue. Sarcasm and critisizm are always welcome here. catch you laters.
My post on virginity has been taken for critisizm by Maldivian Critique.
check it out, its written very well, although kinda biased... I didnt know i generated attention like that. It feels nice that my work is appreciated. All the people who read my blog and all the people who comment, thank you. I feel that its overdue. Sarcasm and critisizm are always welcome here. catch you laters.
Monday, July 02, 2007
VIRGINITY
This is not a sexist article. This is about both sexes… is that sexist? I’m not sure… but I’d like to set out there, the fact… that HARD fact about virginity.
GUYS
You see, it’s like this… guys are never virgins. At least they don’t claim to be… in most cases, anyway. Go on, ask a guy. Ask any guy is he’s a virgin. 90% virgin guys will deny being one. Most responses to this question go along the lines of “heck no” or “fuck no” and all kinds of other “no”s. In the rare cases that they DO agree that they are a virgin, its around girls and they want something out of the girl, such as a chance to get into her pants. Hoping that the girl will like him for his “honesty” and sympathize with him and let him ride her for the two seconds that he will. But NEVER around guys, because its “emasculating”.
True story: I know two… no, make that three guys who accept their virginity. But to be totally fair, one of them is clinically depressed, the other one is an uber geek, and I’m not certain about the next one’s sexuality. I realized, as I JUST wrote the last sentence that… damn, I got some fucked up friends! Seriously… funny I never noticed that before… meh. Takes one to know one, right?
GIRLS
Girls, on the other hand, are ALWAYS virgins. Never once will a girl claim to be otherwise… well, Maldivian girls anyway… because they are afraid of being given the label of “slut” or “whore” or something that’s relevant to that category. My theory is, this façade is a girls’ tool of “survival” in the community. I mean, if you care so much about having a clean name, why sleep around? Sometimes girls even don’t tell even their closest friends. That’s fucked up right there. I heard that the infamous “Naraka Fareedha” still moans “dear God, my virginity!” when she’s being “explored”.
True story: I know a guy… lets call him John. He met a girl… ummm … Cindy. So John started talking to her and Cindy claimed to be a virgin, but I knew otherwise, because I knew her Ex, Matt. Matt had told me about his ‘conquest’. Anyways, I didn’t tell John this, because it wasn’t any of my business. But then John came and told be about his ‘expedition’ on Cindy. I’m sparing you the details. John wasn’t that merciful on me. But here’s the kicker in this story… John and Cindy broke up shortly after. And purely by coincidence, Cindy was being called by Steve, another friend of mine. (I know too many people) anyways, and she told Steve she was a virgin too. Thus, the myth of the female virginity.
This observation is just one factor of society. Such is the hypocrisy of the human nature.
GUYS
You see, it’s like this… guys are never virgins. At least they don’t claim to be… in most cases, anyway. Go on, ask a guy. Ask any guy is he’s a virgin. 90% virgin guys will deny being one. Most responses to this question go along the lines of “heck no” or “fuck no” and all kinds of other “no”s. In the rare cases that they DO agree that they are a virgin, its around girls and they want something out of the girl, such as a chance to get into her pants. Hoping that the girl will like him for his “honesty” and sympathize with him and let him ride her for the two seconds that he will. But NEVER around guys, because its “emasculating”.
True story: I know two… no, make that three guys who accept their virginity. But to be totally fair, one of them is clinically depressed, the other one is an uber geek, and I’m not certain about the next one’s sexuality. I realized, as I JUST wrote the last sentence that… damn, I got some fucked up friends! Seriously… funny I never noticed that before… meh. Takes one to know one, right?
GIRLS
Girls, on the other hand, are ALWAYS virgins. Never once will a girl claim to be otherwise… well, Maldivian girls anyway… because they are afraid of being given the label of “slut” or “whore” or something that’s relevant to that category. My theory is, this façade is a girls’ tool of “survival” in the community. I mean, if you care so much about having a clean name, why sleep around? Sometimes girls even don’t tell even their closest friends. That’s fucked up right there. I heard that the infamous “Naraka Fareedha” still moans “dear God, my virginity!” when she’s being “explored”.
True story: I know a guy… lets call him John. He met a girl… ummm … Cindy. So John started talking to her and Cindy claimed to be a virgin, but I knew otherwise, because I knew her Ex, Matt. Matt had told me about his ‘conquest’. Anyways, I didn’t tell John this, because it wasn’t any of my business. But then John came and told be about his ‘expedition’ on Cindy. I’m sparing you the details. John wasn’t that merciful on me. But here’s the kicker in this story… John and Cindy broke up shortly after. And purely by coincidence, Cindy was being called by Steve, another friend of mine. (I know too many people) anyways, and she told Steve she was a virgin too. Thus, the myth of the female virginity.
This observation is just one factor of society. Such is the hypocrisy of the human nature.
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