Thin and popular? sheeeeeesh!

Think about this… all you fat people… you were picked on when you were kids… by thin people, and popular people. With their fat jokes. Fat jokes that weren’t so witty. I have the solution for you. Thin jokes. Popular jokes. I’m gonna start all you fat bastards on your way to mocking those thin arrogant popular jerks in a way that they wouldn’t know how to come back from. lets face it... just 'coz you are thin and popular doesnt mean you are immune to mockery.

Notice: for best results, get an accomplice to play along with you. I guarantee you that the fuck-ness level of the victim will be elevated.

For the purposes of display, lets make a fictional character John, who is thin… and Matt, who is popular.

You: Do you know why John was the teacher’s pet?
Accomplice: ‘coz he was handsome?
You: No. He resembled her favorite pencil.

You: Do you know why John likes toothpicks?
Acc: no…
You: He’s very close with his cousins.

You: John won the most efficient janitor award!
Acc: REALLY??
You: yea… he’s also a mop, you know…

You: Do you know Matt is going bankrupt?
Acc: I didn’t know…
You: yea… there’s no market for attention whores.

You: Osama Bin Laden was captured…
Acc: No WAY!!!
You: yea… Matt knows a guy who knows a guy who knows Osama’s left nut.

You: Ever notice Matt’s friends face AWAY from him most of the time?
Acc: I did. Why is that?
You: They know he likes to kiss ass.

There you have it. A starter kit to your comeback arsenal. Long gone are the days when the fatso cowered back when he was bombarded with fat jokes. Now all you fatties revolt in cellulite filled unity!

Don’t say I never did anything for ya!

Tribute to the chef

Behold the cucumber in all its glamour! For the righteous shall call it mustard heaven. Thou shalt kneel at the pudding that flows into the knee of aspirin.

Yonder the pit of tomato seeds and garage doors. Inconspicuous shadows of farts and facial hair. Simultaneous ignition of velociraptor skin and rubber gloves confined to the wall of bleeding noses. Redemption lies in the giggling of twinkle toed keyboards. Ferocious in their attack on toenail shrapnel.

Will the gator tell the brush to flip the tin can of macadamia nuts? When does the hippie come in to wash the brick fudge? Can a pelican hop to the tune of a pot smoking dolphin?

GLORY!! For a man wearing a thong runs on the street singing songs written by a one handed belly dancer. For humankind clarifies distinctive epiphanies are set in coca cola soaked jelly bean covered notepads.

Sex before marriage

Come on... we've all thought about it. most of you... well, SOME of you have actually done it. but no one really talks about it because its "taboo". except jerk guys who brag about their "conquestes". let me tell you... most of the time, the people who brag the most... dont get any. Anyways, I am here today to tell you what I think of sex before marriage.

Sex before marriage is like testing out a product before purchase.


yes. I know. It DOES make sense. Think about it. you go to a shop, you see some clothes you like... you TRY IT OUT before you make a purchase. In case of relationships, you wanna know if the other person "fits" into your life.

Another scenario... the famed xbox 360 and PS3 case. you worry and worry and worry about what to commit to. finally buy a PS3. BUT you then realize the 360 is the one for you. come on... you know what I'm talking about. you need to look around the market and test out these products and see which one suits you best.

come on.. nobody WANTS unpleasant surprises AFTER they get married. Sex before marriage can be used to avoid stuff like:

"Honey... have you ALWAYS had three nipples?"
"THATS what it looks like when its erect?"
"When was the last time you shaved?"
"Is that the garbage truck?"

So you see... all of you who wanna "stay virgin" until you get married... think twice. 'coz if something unpleasant happens, you will think back to this post, and my ego will rise just a bit more.

300 in HD!!

The following is a conversation between Steve and Cindy. Not the same people from my previous post. This just goes to show how ignorant some gals are.

Cindy: Hey
Steve: Hey…
Cindy: I can’t sleep…
Steve: Okay… I’m watching 300 in HD
Cindy: HD?
Steve: High Definition.
Cindy: Okay, I’m hanging up.
Steve: Okay… just don’t think I’m ignoring you for a movie.
Cindy: You kind of are, you know…
Steve: Its 300! In HD!!
Cindy: you’ve seen it a THOUSAND times before!!
Steve: sure, but this time in HD!!!
Cindy: WHATS THE DIFFERENCE??!!?
Steve: OoooOoOokaayyy… I’m hanging up now… Leonidas is talking.
*hangs up*
Leonidas: This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they DIE!

How can Cindy NOT get that Steve was watching 300 in HD? Its like a forbidden pleasure to watch an aweseom special effects movie in HD... like a banana split followed by a double chocolate magnum. Indulgence.