camPAIN: Me for President

So,the campaigning has started… people making promises left and right… I am really looking forward to this… “other Maldives”. Wonder what that would be like…

See, I offer you the chance to leave old geezers, men wearing ugly ties with high pitched voices, illiterate corrupt businessmen and embrace … me. Consider this the start of my campaign. Or rather, camPAIN.

I have stated what I would do if I was president in my other post. This is kind of a follow up. Yeah, lets go with follow up.

First off, I don’t wear ugly ties. I seldom wear ties. I am NOT as old as some people who are currently the president. Not nearly there. I have a sneaky suspicion that the aforementioned person may be immortal… or an elf. Whichever. I don’t have extremist religious values. I don’t even have moderate religious values. But what little religious value I have, I hold dearly. And I’m NOT a businessman. If there are any claims that I am in fact, corrupt, it’s simply not true. I am not related to Reeko Moosa in ANY way. I know because I checked. Twice. I mean, I’ve seen retards. A lot of retards. But I haven’t seen anyone in politics who didn’t know what a fucking manifesto was. Pardon the French.

Whats there not to like? Arguably, I’m the best candidate there is. A whole lot likeable than anyone in politics now.

Now comes the claims and promises that I make to win the hearts and minds of the people. I decided to market myself in the form of an advertisement.

Why take up the tedious task of packing all your things and waiting in line to go to the “other Maldives”? I offer something spectacular. How’s Las Vegas sound? Why go to an exact replica of where you are currently taking residence in? “Hey lets pack all our things and take a vacation in a replica of our house”! Tell me that didn’t sound totally lame. As a person of the people, I know you don’t want to see the exact same cesspool you lived in for the past… who knows how long. You seen one beach you’ve seen them all. Vote for me to automatically win an all expense paid vacation to the south of France! If you get fifty of your buddies to vote for me, it’s Amsterdam! If you get a hundred, it’s Las Vegas!!!

You’ll taste the sweetness of complete freedom. I’m not talking freedom of speech kind of freedom for pussies. I’m talking brothels *ahem* I mean… massage parlors and all night raves, LEGAL all night raves kind of freedom. The kind of freedom you always dreamed of.

Witness public humiliations of all the people who fucked this place up. I know you all want it. And as your president, I can give it to you. You just need to vote for me.

Two problems solved as one! All manual labor will be handled by the junkies who overly populate our wonderful detention facilities. Under the watchful eyes of our beloved prison guards, of course. And the expatriates either killed off or sent back! Either way, they wont be missed. Solving the issues of the increasing amount of expatriate workers and punishment for the junkie.

Exciting public executions especially for pedos! Just vote for me and I will make sure that the person who violated your kid will be dragged naked through the main roads while being whipped, tied to a chair and beat up horrendously, confined to the remains of the tsunami monument (which will have been destroyed) for the public to throw stones at, shot in one leg and forced to walk to the execution stand, genitals removed and beheaded. All while you kid watches and gets closure to all the trauma he/she been through. Yes. I care about your kids because they are the future of my empire *ahem* I mean… OUR country. Yes that’s what I said.

You will all get a pre-weekend holiday! Tuesdays will be declared a holiday! Just vote for me as your new president and it shall be the first thing on my to-do-list. Right after I get myself some presidential nookie, that is.

All the members of the social liberal party will have the word ‘manifesto’ tattooed on to their foreheads.

These are just SOME of the things that will be enjoyed by YOU once I get into the presidential boots! So vote NOW before I change my mind!! You wont regret it, I assure you!

Heheheh… dumbasses.