Monday, August 25, 2008

camPAIN: Me for President

So,the campaigning has started… people making promises left and right… I am really looking forward to this… “other Maldives”. Wonder what that would be like…

See, I offer you the chance to leave old geezers, men wearing ugly ties with high pitched voices, illiterate corrupt businessmen and embrace … me. Consider this the start of my campaign. Or rather, camPAIN.

I have stated what I would do if I was president in my other post. This is kind of a follow up. Yeah, lets go with follow up.

First off, I don’t wear ugly ties. I seldom wear ties. I am NOT as old as some people who are currently the president. Not nearly there. I have a sneaky suspicion that the aforementioned person may be immortal… or an elf. Whichever. I don’t have extremist religious values. I don’t even have moderate religious values. But what little religious value I have, I hold dearly. And I’m NOT a businessman. If there are any claims that I am in fact, corrupt, it’s simply not true. I am not related to Reeko Moosa in ANY way. I know because I checked. Twice. I mean, I’ve seen retards. A lot of retards. But I haven’t seen anyone in politics who didn’t know what a fucking manifesto was. Pardon the French.

Whats there not to like? Arguably, I’m the best candidate there is. A whole lot likeable than anyone in politics now.

Now comes the claims and promises that I make to win the hearts and minds of the people. I decided to market myself in the form of an advertisement.

Why take up the tedious task of packing all your things and waiting in line to go to the “other Maldives”? I offer something spectacular. How’s Las Vegas sound? Why go to an exact replica of where you are currently taking residence in? “Hey lets pack all our things and take a vacation in a replica of our house”! Tell me that didn’t sound totally lame. As a person of the people, I know you don’t want to see the exact same cesspool you lived in for the past… who knows how long. You seen one beach you’ve seen them all. Vote for me to automatically win an all expense paid vacation to the south of France! If you get fifty of your buddies to vote for me, it’s Amsterdam! If you get a hundred, it’s Las Vegas!!!

You’ll taste the sweetness of complete freedom. I’m not talking freedom of speech kind of freedom for pussies. I’m talking brothels *ahem* I mean… massage parlors and all night raves, LEGAL all night raves kind of freedom. The kind of freedom you always dreamed of.

Witness public humiliations of all the people who fucked this place up. I know you all want it. And as your president, I can give it to you. You just need to vote for me.

Two problems solved as one! All manual labor will be handled by the junkies who overly populate our wonderful detention facilities. Under the watchful eyes of our beloved prison guards, of course. And the expatriates either killed off or sent back! Either way, they wont be missed. Solving the issues of the increasing amount of expatriate workers and punishment for the junkie.

Exciting public executions especially for pedos! Just vote for me and I will make sure that the person who violated your kid will be dragged naked through the main roads while being whipped, tied to a chair and beat up horrendously, confined to the remains of the tsunami monument (which will have been destroyed) for the public to throw stones at, shot in one leg and forced to walk to the execution stand, genitals removed and beheaded. All while you kid watches and gets closure to all the trauma he/she been through. Yes. I care about your kids because they are the future of my empire *ahem* I mean… OUR country. Yes that’s what I said.

You will all get a pre-weekend holiday! Tuesdays will be declared a holiday! Just vote for me as your new president and it shall be the first thing on my to-do-list. Right after I get myself some presidential nookie, that is.

All the members of the social liberal party will have the word ‘manifesto’ tattooed on to their foreheads.

These are just SOME of the things that will be enjoyed by YOU once I get into the presidential boots! So vote NOW before I change my mind!! You wont regret it, I assure you!

Heheheh… dumbasses.


Evildark said...

Hey awe-fucking-some post. :>

I am fine btw. Hope your doing awesome. No. I know you will do awesome. hehe

AzMyst said...

Your plan for junkies and expatriates have convinced me. You got my vote.

Hope none of the presidential dweebs out there steals your manifesto (when they eventually find out what a manifesto is, I mean).

The Dark One said...

i dont think your an elf, maybe a goblin because ur black.. a demented goblin.. but u got my vote buddy :D

Anonymous said...

fukin retards. i dont see any point in voting for either of u self righteous 'fucktard' as so u say. but for sure, the idealistic nature of resolving the issues is though some wat barbaric n modernized with social discrete which is mentally unaccounted for; gets the job done right. like the idea but the amusement n kick u get out of it is juss priceless. great post though. convince me n u got ma vote

paperclippenny said...

woah wait... Amsterdam is in second place??? I'm aiming for 50 votes baby. Spacecake mmmmmmmmm

Thom said...

How come good ol' Jamaica aint up for grabs??? Duuuude... come onnnnnnnnnn...
S'long as I get hold of a mini throne.. or ministry (whatever the heck you wanna call it) I'm like.. SO in. :P
Remember?? We had our own NGO? Say you'll have me around on your team :P

Iya said...

@evildark:: i AM good! thanks, buddy.

@azmyst:: lets hope they never find that out.

@the dark one:: i dont think you understood who was the elf... anyways, i always knew you were kinda slow. :p

@paperclippenny:: las vegas is first coz its more expensive! DUH! tell you what... elect me and i'll throw a nationwide space cake party!

@thom:: i thought we still HAD the NGO!!! there wont be ministers. i will change the names of the ranks. i will be known as imperial superior overlord and ministers will be 'evil viziers'. cool dhoa..

shaf said...

I would vote for anyone who makes Tuesday a holiday. :D A pre-weekend holiday. *yay*

The Shadowrunner said...

Hey, I'll vote for you if you rickroll everyone on the presidential oath day.


Fuck yeah - put the curry niggers to the M4!. This is an M4!. It can make people dancey!.

Anonymous said...

heehee u seem to hate rapists; were u raped when u were little?. if u were - it explains a lot abt u.

Iya said...

@shaf:: i am benevolent indeed.

@shadowrunner:: as president, i'll have access to all the M4 i want. just vote n i'll share.

@anonymous:: you dont hate rapists AND you are an anonymous coward? says a lot about you.

The Shadowrunner said...

I'll keep my political aspirations a secret, for now. XD - Voted.

@anonymous: hai, would chuu liek to have this tailpipe shoved up j00r ass?.

Fuck you - if you think rape is funny, I'm all for putting you in concentration camps.

knaschru said...

i second azmyst..

Yaamyn said...

bah.. ur just repeating Umar Naseer's secret agenda.. :p

The Shadowrunner said...

@yaamyn: proove the existence of this secret agenda by using PSYZIKCS!!! :P

Frostmourne said...

The only thing I picked up with this is that you got piss boiled hearing the fagots rip more politicunt talk, came home..... blogged.