Saturday, February 27, 2010

Vampire Wars

As most of you know, I am awesome. I consider myself an observer and critique of society and its hypocrisy. This time, however, I intend to ramble of things not of the natural order of... things. This time... ah, fuck it, the heading already spoiled it... vampires.

All that building up for nothing.

I would like to talk about vampires and how they have degraded to the point where they glitter in the sunlight.

Let's look at some of the vampires which I believe are cool.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Gary Oldman played this version. That is awesome in itself, but lets look at the character of this Dracula. He becomes cursed with eternal life and blood thirst after renouncing god. His wife dies, and he just goes "Fuck this noise! Fuck god!" and he kills a cross with his sword. Totally badass. and Just a while before he was doing this, he was out to massacre a few thousand enemy troops. He has three wives. And one of them is Monica Bellucci. And he tapped that, all right. I mean who wouldn't, right?

Yes. That. All night. Every night.

On top of that, he can turn into a freaking man-bat, a wolf man, and is so fucking utterly cool. He can walk in the daylight, but the downside of that is, his powers are weakened. So, Dracula, the Bram Stoker's version, remains one of my favorite. Because he's awesome. and doesn't glitter or brood.


Kain

One tyrant to rule them all. All of Nosgoth, that is. This guy is by far my mostest favoritest vampire of all time. Sure, he likes to drag on the dialogue, but when he talks you listen. You fucking listen. Introduced in the game 'Legacy of Kain: Blood Omen', (yes, my blog is named after a game. Sue me.) and last seen in 'Legacy of Kain: Defiance', he kicks so much ass in the span of five games that everyone lost count.

Would you mess with that? Didn't think so.

Ruthless, cold, calculating and pissed off. That's Kain in a nutshell. But does the character no justice. The character has a rich history and a lot of depth. This is a vampire not to be messed with.

Also, telekinesis. Yes. He doesn't have to touch your or use his sword to kill you and drain your blood. This is one the most badass Vampires ever. You heard me. EVER.


Now for the not cool vampires.

Lestat

This is where vampires started to go wrong. Anne Rice had a bit of a homoerotic fixation I guess. Lestat was first portrayed on film by Tom Cruise, in the movie 'Interview with a Vampire'. Lestat wasn't the main character in that movie, but Louis. Played by a brooding Brad Pitt. This is where the brooding vampires, began becoming popular I guess. The brooding was even taken further by the next film to feature Lestat, portrayed by Stuart Townsend.

If only to prove a point, I'm posting the pictures of Townsend:


and the slightly more manly Tom Cruise:

okay I was wrong. Lestat is a woman in a womanly man's sexually confused body.

Lestat as a character is very weak. sure he's a self proclaimed 'bad boy', and in 'Queen of the Damned', he even gets to have his own little rock band. I'm referencing the movies because I am pretty sure most of you haven't read the book in the middle of those two, 'The Vampire Lestat', in which the history of the character is laid out to us. which isn't much.

I don't know why Anne Rice never focused on Khayman, the single most awesomest character in the entire Vampire Chronicles series of books. Well, as awesome as they get in the gaympire world that Anne Rice created.

And now, all the awesome, bloody mythos of the vampires has been degraded into this... (hows that for a build up, assholes?)

Edward Cullen

Sad state of vampires today.

Words cannot describe this abomination of hair gel and emo brooding.

Just for uploading that photo, I am going to go and clean out my eyes with boiling water after uploading this photo. I can't blame the character, because he's fictional. Instead, I blame Stephanie Meyers. I blame the millions of twilight fans, and the studio making this butchery of vampires into movies. I even blame myself for acknowledging the existence of this glittering pile of excrement as a character.

Even the womanly girlish Lestat wasn't a whiny bitch who was a 'vegetarian'!

Fuck you, Stephanie Meyers!

8 comments:

paperclippenny said...

seriously gary oldman as dracular played the best vampire ever! EVER!

Lestat on the other hand...sure townsend wasn't a very good lestat and tom cruise wasn't what i had in mind for 'the spoiled one' and yea lestat did grate my nerves in 'interview' (and couldn't understand why Ann Rice made a big deal out of him) but around 'memnoch the devil' he just started growing on me. Sure he whined alot, threw hissy fits (with the devil) but he's still charming :p

IBRAHIM said...

YESS! FUCK YOU MEYERS! and that Edward Cullen, son of a bitch! that wanker! anyways good one bra! keep up.

Anonymous said...

yea BRA... nice work

Anonymous said...

Hey Iyash,
*clap* *clap* *clap* I like muchly:-)
However,I'm a bit surprised that you didn't mention Carmilla.... I thought hot, lesbion vampires would make the cool list! Her story predates that of Bram Stoker's Dracula so it isn't exactly like the silly vampire stories that are out now. thought you might like to know... Its a good read!
xx Meerjungfrau

Anonymous said...

correction *pre-dates* is what should've been up there....but you know what i mean anyways! lol

ie cco said...

iya can i please please re post this on my blog too...
its like u just spilled out exactly what i wanted to say!!!!
realli i want to wash my eyes with boiling water too after seeing edward :/ hehe

XResistance said...

We protest!

Edward is the perfect man for weak, clingy, expressionless, forever constipated, stubborn, manipulative and monumentally annoying Bella Swan!

knaschru said...

apparently this was a dream stephanie meyers had. and all these urine tinted pussies are drooling over a 40 year old woman's wet dream!