Tuna Brain for the Soul

I recently had a conversation with a person, over the course of a few days. I just thought I'd share it here. I want you to judge for yourself, if there's judging to be done. Otherwise ignore this. I don't really care.

You heard me. I don't care.

Anyhoo, this dude is sort of a tuna brained Maldivian. When I say tuna brained, I mean that he conforms to the normal Maldivian way of thinking, living and general everything. You'll see. Now, this is as close as I can remember the conversation and the best I can translate it into English. So, if you have any problems with it, again, I don't care.

X-Ray of a tuna brain

For this conversation, I've labelled him TBM. This does not mean To Be Masturbated. It stands for Tuna Brained Maldivian.

TBM: You're six years older than me and you're not married?
Me: Yes, I don't think I'm ready for that yet, you see.
TBM: Why not?
Me: I just think my time is better spent pursuing pleasures of the flesh without being married.
TBM: Everyone should settle down as soon as they are capable of doing so.
Me: I'm not capable yet.
TBM: But you get paid a lot of money...
Me: Which I spend pursuing pleasures of the flesh... I don't think you're paying attention.
TBM: You're funny... hahahaha
Me: No, I'm really being serious.

That's one of the first conversations I had with him. Fast forward a few weeks and we come to this;

TBM: But a man cannot pierce his ears for it is haraam!
Me: Why can women do it, then?
TBM: According to Islam, which I have studied extensively, women are allowed to have jewellery. Piercings are okay. But tattoos are haraam.
Other Guy: Bullshit. If piercings are okay, then tattoos are also okay.
Me: Yeah, TBM, the Other Guy makes sense.
TBM: No! He is blaspheming! You're both blaspheming. Tattoos are haraam! I know this, because it is the way of Islam! Anyone with a tattoo is not a Muslim!
Me: And you're the expert?
TBM: Yes! You people shouldn't even think of questioning anything. I know best because I have researched these things extensively.
Me: Good on you, mate.

He started going bug eyed and started babbling nonsense, so I left the conversation for better pastures. Fruit needed to be sliced on my phone. High scores weren't going to beat themselves.

Then, many weeks later, this conversation takes place;

TBM: I swear, man, even after I'm married, I've seen a lot of naked women.
Me: ... Why are you telling me this?
TBM: I am married and I still drown in pussy.
Me: Why do you fuck around when you're married and have a kid?
TBM: No, you see, that's just it... I don't actually fuck them. I just do everything other than sex.
Me: I thought you were religious?
TBM: There's nothing in Islam against this.
Me: What?
TBM: Islam says that as long as I don't penetrate, I'm good. I can do other stuff.
Me: Look, I might not be the most religious person, but that's just wrong, man. Seriously.
TBM: I researched this extensively, and this is the loophole I found, man.
Me: No, you thought about this, and this is the loophole you reasoned yourself to accept.
TBM: What do you mean?
Me: You are a bad person. You act all kind and pious, but you're shit.
TBM: How dare you say that to me?
Me: No, how dare YOU do that to your own fucking family? Please urinate. (rough translation of the insult)
TBM: If you're going to swear at me, I'm not talking to you anymore.
Me: Please drink female ejaculate (rough translation), but that seems like something you are too fond of.
TBM: I'm going.
Me: I hope you rot in hell, asshole.If you wanna drown in pussy, don't get married when you've just reached puberty, you piece of shit.


I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore...

I just called to say...

People have come to me with concerns lately, such as; “Iya, why aren’t you blogging anymore? My life is so empty without having to read your awesome insight on things that happen around me!” and, “Hey, I don’t miss your blog or anything, but I’d be totally okay with you updating again, I mean, whatever, but, thinking about it, okay?” and also, “AMG IYA U NO BLOGZ I M SO NT AKDJFBAUFDCIUBADKFJC ADCDKCBUFBDKJC DCajdahsajhajvnjv!!! LOL!!” 

"wot hlrs joks ur hav!"

I don’t pay attention when people speak in caps lock.

There is a reason why I, unbeknownst to myself, unintentionally, without any fault of my own, distanced myself from blogging.

The world is officially too stupid to make fun of. Don’t believe me? Check this out…

Mullah protest disperses itself after fighting amongst themselves.

Victim of statutory rape gets sentenced to be flogged.

Everyone is okay with freedom of expression, provided you express what they want to hear.

People get their panties in a twist about one shitty movie made in America, but no one shit when someone fraudulently extorts hard earned money from people wanting to go on Hajj pilgrimage at home.

These are just some of the things that happened in recent history. I am not even talking about the world at large here. I’m talking local bullshit.

You know what, I can't do this anymore... I'm just going to hand out fuck you's to people today. 

Fuck you if you use religion as a weapon against people to cover up your own inadequacies of faith. Seeing a freaking doll somewhere won't convert you if you don't let it, you imbecile.

Fuck you if you call yourself a liberal but will only hear what you want to hear, like stated above. You're an embarrassment to us all, please walk off to a corner and fucking die. No one will miss you.

Fuck you if you make fun of religious people for blind faith but practice blind faith in your political views. Congratulations, you're the joke.

Fuck you if you think violence is the only means to convince people to listen to you. Look around. People don't respond well to threats. This goes for politics, religion and everything else. Please, if you'd be so kind as to drown yourself in the sea, we won't have to deal with your stupidity and your overcompensation. 

Fuck you if you feel that you can make people feel bad for themselves if it means that you can feel good about yourself. Everything doesn't revolve around you. If you do this, then it means you're not very secure about who you are. I don't give a shit. No one does. Putting people down for your own sake is selfish. You are a bad person.

Fuck you if you ever bought a motorcycle for vanity's sake. If you can't even pay the fucking bills, why... you know what, just fuck you.

Well that should do it for now. See you again, sometime. Just one more thing...

Behave, now.

And don't get any more stupid than you already are, 'mkay?

Facebook Stupidity

I have come across a few... well, more than a few very pushy, judgy and pretentious status updates on facebook. Some of them were pretty harmless, like those chain mails I used to get that claims that I'd die if I didn't forward it to a specified amount of people, or the ones that claimed that I was an infidel and supported the rise of Satan and God would smite me where I sat if I didn't forward the mail.

These were different. Let me explain... or rather, let me show you a couple of these things.

Example one:

This is the kind of crap that is flying around today, and people, apparently, love the taste of shit. At least 21 'friends' of the person who posted this like it, that we know of. First off, this status update assumes you (the reader) are the worst person ever. Apparently you are a name calling douche/bitch. Just look at that. Go on. Read it. I'll wait. Done? Good.

Also, the sheer contradiction! At one point this retarded combination of words claims that you don't know these people whom you've been insulting, but the status knows you. It knows you are the combined reincarnation of Hitler and Stalin with a pinch of Jack the Ripper thrown in for good measure. Oh, and surprise surprise, if you don't share this, you're heartless. Colour me heartless. Also, go fuck yourself. Anyone who posted this shit is a fucking hypocrite of the worst kind. You are a barnacle stuck on the ship of stupidity.

It's a damn shame that these people are the ones most likely to breed in exponential numbers, consequently bringing in more stupidity into the world. A damn shame indeed.

Have you seen this? This was all over facebook not long ago. I saw this fucking thing this month. And needless to say, this pisses me off. I'd like to respond to this, by addressing anyone and everyone who posted this on their walls/timelines.

Dear everyone who posted this fucking status thingie on your facebook:

Who the fuck are you to ask me for a personal favor? I know some of you who posted this, and I know this is NOT personal for your family. And I'm guessing its the case for most you dumbasses. I've lost family and friends to cancer. I find this post utterly offensive. Posting this piece of shit status on your fucking facebook is an insult. NOT a sign of respect. You know why? Because all you assholes who think "oh, I'll just paste this on facebook and then I can say at least I did something for cancer patients" aren't really doing anything. This is less than the least you can do. This is spitting in the face of a person going through chemotherapy. This is you defecating the graves of people who lost long battles with cancer. 

And you have the nerve to look down on other people? What sort of an asshole are you? You assholes act all high and mighty because you copy pasted some stupid shit laced with puke on your facebook? Open your fucking eyes, you inconsiderate tape worm infested fuckball! The only thing that you accomplished by posting this is confirming that you are a self centered, inhuman, lazy waste of space. All of you should be rounded up and shot in the back of the head with shotguns so that your face explodes and spills on to the ground.

I don't know if people read this blog or not, but if anyone who posted these things are reading this, know that I don't like you. You will die a painful death and your kids will grow up to be junkies. Thank you.

Musically Confused

There is a foul stench in the air. There is a stale taste in the water, which is weird, because water is supposed to be tasteless. Speaking of tasteless, what the fuck is up with the popular music these days?

See what I did there? Please, hold the applause for now.

 I said hold the applause. Now.

I have had the fortune of being born in the 80’s. I was exposed to the popular music of the 80’s and grew to like music. When I reached the age of reason, I began to explore the different kinds of music out there. During my secondary school days I was obsessed with metal music, like many kids of my age.  It wasn’t until I finished school that I was plunged into the world of the sheer infinity of music.

Bands that made music great have long since passed us by. Leaving us in body, but will always be with us in spirit.  It’s heartwarming that some of the legends of music still walk this earth. I came to learn that music is universal. Music is the ultimate form of expression. 

It’s funny, I started this post with one thing in mind. Rant about the degradation of the quality in music within the popular culture. But as I wrote this down, I realized something. It is true what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 

It’s not my problem if “artists” today have to rely on gimmicks such as meat dresses to make their mark. It’s not my problem if some of today’s “songs” sound like a drunk robot is throwing up. It is certainly not my problem if people love talentless hacks based on their looks and choose to listen to their sexually confused lyrics. I don’t care anymore. 

 If you like this, you are pretty much beyond help.

There seems to be a balance though. There are some good bands and good talented artists rising up. It is up to the lovers of music to put them on the map. 

Before I end this confused post, though, I’d like to clarify a few things.

Boy bands aren’t bands. Bands play instruments.

House music is stupid, because no one who isn’t on X can enjoy that shit, which brings me to, if you need drugs to enjoy music, you don’t really enjoy music.

Just because someone is willing to show skin doesn’t make them talented. It makes them bad people.

Skillrex and deadmaufive (I refuse to say otherwise) are utter and total crap, which was dug up from a maggot infested corpse of a child molester, liquefied and poured into the ears of people.

 Take a note from this kid: Don't let people crap in your ears.

Sheikh that booty!

The day has come that you never thought would come. Yes, reader. I am going to do the unthinkable. I am going to do the irreversible. I am going to uncharted territory without a map, torchlight or condoms. I am wandering into the undiscovered world of new… stuff. Anyway, you get the point.
I am going to thank the former Islamic Minister Shaheem.


Didn’t see that one coming did you? This here is my letter of gratitude to the Sheikh.

Dear Sheikh Shaheem,

I am but a humble student of your Islamic ways. I am but a pupil of your philosophies. I am but a follower of your actions. I am eternally grateful for telling, nay, showing me that what I have been feeling for so long is not wrong. I am of course, referring to the recent video that was “leaked” from a “hidden camera”. You’ve taught us once and for all that philandering is okay. You have taught us that keeping my trouser snake in for too long is unhealthy. You have taught us once and for all that getting up close and personal with a woman to play with her fun parts is an important part of our way of life.

All these years of having sex without the bond of marriage, I thought was wrong. I even heard you mention it in one of your lectures that went on for five hours but didn’t seem long enough. Your eternal wisdom should be sprayed on us all, much like the spray that woman in the video would have gotten when you have had your way with her, you naughty dog you.

I always wondered why everyone said sex was wrong and dirty when it was for purposes other than reproducing. But they kept doing it. You, holiest of holy sheikhs, have made the ultimate statement in the form of a question posed for society at large:“Why talk about it when you can just do it?” Or, “just stop talking about it and make a fucking video, why don’t you?”

You may not know this, but I stood up and applauded your balls. Not literally, of course, holy sheikh. I am talking metaphorically. No matter that I was standing and clapping in the middle of the work day in the work place while slacking off from work and watching videos and everyone was confused and looking at me. I didn’t care. The ultimate answer had been given to the age old question. “Do sheikhs fuck around?” the answer that you gave us was quite bad ass, if I might say so. “Watch this, bitches.”

I thank you again, oh sheikhiest of sheikhs. I will continue being a hypocrite. While I might not be able to reach the amount of sheer hypocrisy you have, I can only aspire to learn from the master himself. I will fuck to the best of my abilities and use my balls to their fullest potential. That time I was being literal though.



Your avid fan, narrow minded supporter and lifelong student,

Iya.