Always look on the bright side of life.

Hey there, readers! Are you still there? Did you miss me? Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you guys. Though, that’s not from the lack of trying. Believe you me, I tried.

Sometimes it is very easy to forget the Utopia that we live in. Everything works in its finest form. Sure there are shortcomings here and there, but hey, nothing is perfect. We all have to try and stay positive about things. In these trying times, we have to. Otherwise it is very easy to forget how perfect our system is.

Being the benevolent person that I am, I am here to restore your faith in our community. I will help you see the positive.

Sure there are child raping pedophiles on the streets as you are reading this, but think of the positive; at least the children who survive these kinds of things will be stronger… or is it scarred for life and get their childhood robbed from them? I get confused with these things.

Major drug dealers who get busted with large quantities of narcotics don’t get jail time. But look at the bright side! All the minor drug offenders get life sentences or some shit. We all know that cutting the leaf of the tree will make it stop growing. Or is it the root? I get turned around on tree metaphors.

Well, of course there are a lot of murderers roaming the streets who evaded conviction due to loopholes in the justice system or some shit. But hey… do we really want those gangster types filling up and spoiling our nice jails? Do we? Do we really? Maybe we do. I don’t know… moving on!

Corruption is rampant throughout the country. Everyone knows this. But look at it this way… if the overpaid high ranking people don’t steal our money, then it all goes to improving the quality of living of the less fortunate! Fuck that noise! The day a poor man can come and eat at the same café’ that I eat is the day I lose faith in society. But come to think of it, maybe that’s the right thing to do? Reduce poverty? I mean, what do I know?

What I’m trying to say is, these are big issues. There are big shots behind desks signing documents right now! I am sure they will get around to these issues eventually. Maybe. I mean, they are paid a ridiculously large amount of money so they HAVE to try and tackle these problems, right? Maybe sometime soon they’ll stop all the petty infighting and actually DO something to further develop the country and solve some issues?

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? Or rather, who are WE kidding? These assholes won’t know the broad side of a sheet of plywood if it hit them in the face.

It's just a matter of time till the Devil comes to collect this country's soul. Good thing he's my friend.

Dear Mode

I recently came across something very disturbing. It’s an article about an article written about an article in Time Magazine. On the cover of this particular Time Magazine, there is this beautiful girl. She has raven black hair, with the tiniest hint of a brown streak. Her eyes have a penetrating look, like she is stabbing you with her gaze through the lens of the camera. But there’s something missing from her face.

Oh, that’s right… she doesn’t have a nose. She doesn’t have a fucking nose. Why, you ask? Because this young woman ran away from an abusive husband and in-laws.

In comes this fucker Ibrahim Mohamed, who starts to criticize the frikking Time Magazine article because the journalist didn’t present the husband’s and Taliban’s side of the story?

Here’s my two cents.

Hey, Ibrahim Mohamed! I’m sure you are a very smart person, judging by the quality of your English. I’m sure you’ll understand what I am trying to relay here. But I’m going to try and be as simple as possible, though.

Go fuck yourself, Ibrahim Mohamed.

I’m guessing a mutilated nose or ear is of no big deal to you. But somehow I’m getting the feeling you wouldn’t like it either if someone cut something of yours out, other than, maybe a chunk of cancer. But a nose, ear, eye, finger or penis… I am guessing not. You want two sides to the story? Here’s your two sides. An eighteen year old girl got her face cut out and the Taliban motherfuckers got a pair of ears and a nose to that human potato head they are making. Oh, there’s another side to this, you fucking opportunist fuckwit, a girl has her life ruined. She will never live happily ever after.

And you have the audacity to turn the funding for her reconstructive surgery into some kind of anti west propaganda? Fuck that noise, Mode. Can I call you Mode? Of course I can. It’s my blog, after all.

People like you are like a cancer, Mode. Not a cancer of the body or a cancer of the mind. You are a cancer on the entire world. Call Guinness the collective bunch of your hypocrites club can claim to be the biggest cancer ever.

I realize I’ve been referencing cancer too much. So I will call you other names now.

You claim that the image of the girl with the noseless face will create hatred for the Taliban, you incomprehensible moron? They are already the most hated people in the fucking world. They are the reason Muslims all over the world are having such a hard time living a normal life. Maybe it’s the senseless killing that the Taliban are into that make people hate them so much. Maybe is the endorsing of acts like beating women to death or throwing acid on their faces. I don’t know, I am just putting suggestions out there. I’m just saying that maybe people ALREADY hate the Taliban because they are responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and the consecutive ruining of countless lives. I’m just saying.

So, Mode, for a smart guy, you sure have made some rather retarded observations. I have the sneaky suspicion that you might be one of those religiously hypocrite types.

I don’t like you. And I hope you encounter bad things. At least I know that we’ll meet in hell.

See you there, Mode.

Marriage proposal

If Bollywood movies has taught us anything, it is that love knows no bound, limits, or no amount of stalkery and/or harassment. Don’t look at me like that. I know all of you have done it. And if you deny having watched Bollywood movies, you are a filthy, filthy liar. Anyway, as I was saying, love knows nothing. As such, the fates have conspired in my favor and is uniting me and the most angelic of women ever to grace mankind.

I am talking about, of course, my one true love, Angela Gossow. She is coming to see me. That’s right. In the pretense of “performing” at a “rock show”, she is answering the call of destiny and coming here to seek out the other, sexier half of her heart that is me.

Yes, kids, sexier than this.

I thought, as she must eagerly read my blog regularly (it is only logical, as she is madly in love with me too); I’d do the most romantic thing anyone has ever done in the history of… romantic… stuff, and propose to Angela Gossow here. Yes, baby, I know you are reading this. It won’t be long now.

You haunt my dreams. Literally. Even killed me a couple of times in them.

Marry me, Angela Gossow, for I am awesome. Ever since your angelic voice first touched my eardrums and made them bleed, I have been in love with you. Like a fat kid loves ice cream. Like Fareed loves to dress up like a woman. Like how windows vista loves to crash. I know you love me too, Angela Gossow. Why else would you wait for days on end in front of your monitor and wait for me to update my blog? It doesn’t matter that you haven’t contacted me or acknowledge my existence in any way. (can’t let the media find out we are together and have a field day with it, after all, when it is someone as good looking and well endowed as me, they will.) When two people love each other as much as we do, you just know, y’know…

Damn right she knows...

I’ve even photoshopped your face on top of all the pictures I’ve had of women celebrities. And porn stars. Don’t you see? It is not some attempt at a sleazy masturbatory aid. Totally not that at all. I don’t want to want anyone but you. Which is why I was surprised you made a big deal about that vial of bodily fluid I sent you. You accidentally went to the authorities and now they’ve banned me from ever entering your country. Your PR people accidentally put out a disclaimer warning people about me even… funny how that happened. Anyway, I was left thinking, ‘how can I meet my lovely Angela Gossow’s Parents now?’ then I realized, you are planning on bringing them along! I am so excited, I’ve even decided to forgive you for being a vegetarian. And I won’t even try to force feed you beef… much.

kelly Brooks never looked more delicious

Feel that inside your head? That was your mind being blown.

I am so glad you finally decided to come to Male’, Angela Gossow. I already have a plan to whisk you away in the dead of night when no one else will know. For security purposes, not even you may know. I know, I know, it kinda sounds like kidnap depending on how you look at it. But like bollywood has taught us, crime in the name of love is technically not crime. Its love. I know you are nervous. I’m not. Angela Gossow my dearest, I have been waiting for you to get over yourself and get that delicious looking tush of yours over here for quite a while now. You’ve been a naughty girl, Angela Gossow, and you deserve a spanking. And maybe after that, you can spank me too.

One of those posts

First off, I want it on the record that I am better than you. You the reader. Yes, you. In every way. This is not speculation. This is fact. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. I am the everlasting center of the frikking universe. I am the pinnacle of human evolution. I am the infinite pool of wisdom.

I forget what I was trying to convey.

So instead of that, we’ll discuss something that has been bugging me for a bit. By discuss, I mean I’ll rant here and you will read.

In light of the whole atheist fiasco and the recent headhunt started by my dear friends the fundies, I feel like I should make something clear. This here blog is not an Islam bashing blog. Its not a gay bashing blog. It is not an Amjay bashing blog. But this here blog bashes anything I damn well please to bash.

I don’t kid when I say I don’t trash my dearest religion that I was brought up to believe in. Islam is a cool thing. But I so fucking hate the haabees who are running it now. I say running because that’s whats happening. If I don’t conform to their (idiotic outdated) beliefs, then I am not a muslim. In what world is this logical? Who am I kidding… they don’t care much for logic
But I get sidetracked.

Sure the bearded brothers of fundamentalist Islam are easy target for jokes, but the point it, I can post whatever the fuck I please here.

If I wanted to talk about fuckers with long beards who abuse women and children in the name of religion, I’d talk about that.

If I wanted to talk about how people who don’t give a fuck about the environment are ruining the planet, I’d talk about that.

If I wanted to talk about how the environmentalist assholes act like they are better than everyone else, I’d talk about that.

Too much shit happening to talk about just one thing, eh? What am I asking you for? To make you feel better. I’m always right and I don’t really have to ask. Consider it a courtesy. See, I can be polite when I want to.

So whatever you want to label me, you label me. And whatever you label someone else, go ahead. Because there’s nothing anyone can do about it. But just remember, you are a piece of shit little nobody and I am the sound of reason. I am the epitome of human understanding. I am the essence of awesomeness.

I forget what I was talking about again…

Don't be sad, mate!

So they say don’t be sad. I have seen the banners. You would too. But it seems that the Adhaalath won’t let us talk anymore. At least not in the way that we want to. And it happens that I have something to say on the subject first.

And being the law abiding citizen and the good sport that I am I have decided to join the spirit of thing and keep things less vulgar than usual. To do that, I removed the bad words or phrases and replaced it with a little explanation to give you, the readers, an idea of what it was.

*ahem*

The Adhaalath can go (violent act of fornication removed) for all I care. Stick a (long wooden object removed) up your (human rear end removed) sideways. Hear me? Sideways, you (reference to fornication removed) little (digestive juice producing organ removed)!

If you weren’t too busy (reference to fornication with oils removed) with animals in your spare time, you might have taken the time to notice that we are in the (reference to fornication removed) twenty first century you (animal fetish enthusiast reference removed)!

Now that I am nice and riled up…

What the fuck is the deal with this whole “don’t be sad” (male cow excrement removed)?

Never mind that children have their childhood stolen, their education stolen, even their (reference to incest with mothers removed) lives taken from them. But of course, there’s no need to be sad.

Never mind that creativity and art are being stamped out because you are too (fornication reference removed)(reference to level of intelligence removed). But of course, there’s no need to be sad.

We live in the (human feces expelling sphincter muscle removed) of the world already, without you (anal penetration removed) us and moving us back a few centuries and wasting all the effort taken to reach this level of development in the first place. But of course there’s no need to be (fornication reference removed) sad.

Wives are being beaten, abused and swapped at the whim of their so called husbands. Women’s rights being violated, women just being generally treated like (combination of urine and feces removed). But of course, there’s nothing to be sad about.

I, for one, am not sad.

That’s right. I am not sad one bit. The time for sadness has long since passed. Now it’s time for anger. And I am angry. You should be too.

Womens Breasts

Boobs. Boobs are the most important invention since that other thing they invented. Who cares? Boobs.

As you all know, this boobquake thing is awesome. Who am I kidding? Its not only awesome, it may be the single most awesome idea yet this century. Even the PS3 comes after boobs. That’s how important boobs are to us. By us I mean all men. And women. Just humanity in general.

Boobs.

Men will go to any lengths to see, feel, smell or even be near boobs. Why, when John Logie Baird invented the television, it was because he had a vision that many, many men and many, many women will be watching boobs on it someday. Neil Armstrong went to the moon, because he knew that upon returning to earth, he will have a mighty fine catalogue of boobs to choose from.

You know what? Just look at these.

Salma Hayek Cleavage from Hollywood.

Ryan Reynolds hits that. Yeah. Fuck you, Reynolds.

Political cleavage courtesy of Sarah Palin. Dumb chicks have the best boobs.

God crafted boobs with care. These, however were expertly crafted with silicone.

If that didn't make my case, then i shall see you in hell, because you are not right in the head. Also, fuck the Iranian clergy for even thinking that these beautiful things could cause earthquakes. Violent fights, car crashes, infidelity or murder, maybe. But most certainly no earthquakes!!

Divine Intervention?

In these times of religious propaganda, one cannot help but think about these things. Religious things. Like, God and stuff. The meaning of life, the things that make the world tick. In these wonderings of thoughts, I have realized something of utmost importance. I realize it may not be the most pleasant thing to hear or read, in this case… but rest assured, this is important. Important like cheese is important to pizza. Important like water is important to the ocean. Important like batteries are important to a vibrator. Important like… well, you get the gist of what I’m about to say.

God hates ugly chicks. Yes. I told you it might be shocking and/or unpleasant. But if you really think about it, you will see the sense in this. And I, in all my staggering benevolence, will try and help you grasp this (totally true) concept.

First off, you would like to think that all of humankind is equal. And if you are religious, that god loves everyone equally. See, this is not right. The wealthy and poor prove that not all people are equal, and also are not created equal at that. Children of super rich people are BORN rich. And if you noticed, rich people aren’t ugly. People who started wealth in ugliness have spent a considerable amount of time and a fuckton of money to make sure that they are beautiful. Why does this have anything to do with God, you say? Don’t rush me, dammit!

See, if there are any people who claim that God loves them more than anyone else are our beloved beardies. But the problem is, they are ugly. Like a donkey’s ass when its spurting out yesterdays undigested chlorophyll. What they are in the process of doing is that they have opened up a series of shops all around the capital and are hoping to get enough money to get reconstructive surgeries, breast implants, botox treatments and liposuctions for the whole gang. This is important, because God hates people who look like they left their pubes growing for so long that it migrated north.

The other half is even more disgusting.

Wait… how did an article about ugly people turn out to be about beardies, you say? It’s not. And again, don’t fucking rush me, okay?

Chicks, you need to save up money and get yourself beautified. You know that saying that ‘Beauty is only skin deep”? Well, guess what? That’s the depth that really matters. Guys don’t go for skinless chicks, anyway.

Hot chicks have been blessed by God in so many ways. They get rides and free food and coffee and sex with whoever they want to. I mean who-the-fuck-ever. Hey, ugly chick! You really think your boyfriend wont jump into bed (or another surface) if given the chance with a hot chick? God wants you to be beautiful. If this world is only a test for the afterlife, maybe your test is to be beautiful. I mean seriously. This is for your own good.

They say that this look alone can bring untold orgasms.

Now, I am not saying that all women are man oriented, though most Maldivian women are. For the more career oriented person… God blesses hot chicks with glamorous jobs titles like “movie star” or “singer” or “TV anchor”. All of which are way easier than the pencil pushing job that you are stuck in. You really think Britney Spears made all that money because she was talented? As recent incidents have pointed out, she’s not even mentally stable. It was because she used to be hot. And wasn’t afraid to put out.

So, hey, you don’t HAVE to believe me. Don’t shoot the messenger. Also, don’t be a haabee and behead the messenger either. All I ask is that you think about this. All I have done is taken the (overwhelming) evidence and brought to you a minor tickle of it to you. Live blind while your boyfriend secretly bangs a hotter looking woman with a better job than you OR do something about it. Divide that unibrow into two! Get rid of that acne! Go see a dentist or something to get those teeth straightened! get rid of that gut… nobody likes it no matter how many people ‘claim’ that it makes you look cute and chubby.