New Year Post

And thus the New Year befalls upon the folk of Maldives. Festivities, dinners with your loved ones, going out to parties, “discos” and getting some action. This is some ways which you guys will celebrate, isn’t it? Oh, and the resolutions! Lets us not forget the resolutions!!!

Fuck you all. Yes. You heard me. Fuck you.

All the petty little things you do to “celebrate” new years mean nothing. Dinner with your girl/boy friend? Why? Why now? Why not before? Just this ONE day? New year is the most pathetic thing to “celebrate” next to valentines day. And the one next to new years would be birthdays… but those are totally different altogether. This is just an excuse for you people to go wild. Why do you need an excuse? The fact that you need one is pitiful in itself. Hypocrites, that’s what the load of you are. All year long, you refuse to do something crazy. You are itching to… you know you want to, but “what would people think”? that’s the thing that keeps most people from doing it. Oh, and we all know society takes a break on new years. Look around, you donkey dicked pussy bags! Society is still there. People are STILL watching you, judging you. Nothing changes.Grow a fucking pair of balls. Do what you wanna do, WHEN you feel like it. Don’t “save it all” for new year. That’s even worse than wanting to “save your flower till you marry”.

And resolutions? Fuck resolutions. Nobody sticks to resolutions. But all of u stinking butt-licks make fucking resolutions.
“I’m gonna start my own business”
“I’m gonna stop smoking”
“I’m gonna stop being a whore”
“I’m gonna bend over more often”

And the ever popular “I made a resolution to not make resolutions *giggle*”

Fuck you all in the ass with a bent spoon. Sideways.

*** This rant is directed at no one in particular. The author was generally pissed. And since this is a blog and the author has the right to write what the fuck ever he wants on here, he decided to post this load of crap. If anyone takes offence, the author invites them to write a complaint and send it to him so he can shove it up their irrelevant, tapeworm infested asses. ***

Inspired by me...?

Its said to me often enough… people, mostly my friends try to relate me to television characters.

“Oh, Iya!! You are just like Doctor Cox from Scrubs!!”
“You and the Janitor (Scrubs) have so much in common!!”
“You would absolutely LOVE House!! He’s so much like you!!”

If I indeed was like these characters, I would respond in the following ways:

If I was like Doctor Cox
What the hell do you think of yourself, Suzie? You think that television is real? Is that how pathetic your life is? You sit around in your boxers and make relate your friends with TV characters? That’s just dandy. That’s also pathetic. Not only is it reeeeheeeaaly pathetic, but its downright saaaad. Or maybe it’s just something you do during your “that time of the month, huh, Melinda? Should I buy you some tampons? What’s your brand?


If I was like the Janitor
• I would intimidate the aforementioned person with intimidation tactics
• Psychologically break that person down
• Torment him/her with his/her buried past or whatnot
• Give him/her the evil eye
• Make him/her awkward at any and every opportunity

If I was like House
I think you are an idiot, true… but I also think that there is a reason you try and find solace in TV shows. Were you picked on as a kid? Were you abused? If you were, I’m sure you can find some counseling somewhere. I’m sure they’d have a blast with you. I know so; because I enjoy watching you try and relate me to a fictional character so much. Or maybe you are just a snobby little know it all who was pampered too much. You were, weren’t you? You were a snob who was abused? Oh, your shrink is gonna have a field day on you.

But I DON’T react like this. I mostly smile and nod. I DON’T want to put my friends down. I only call guys’ random girls’ names only SOMETIMES. I don’t torment someone with his/her buried past if I don’t know about it, and I DON’T have a limp! See? I’m not like those fictional characters… the fictional characters are like me. So there.

... and why the FUCK is it always hospital characters???

Psychology 101

Yes, I was bored. Sure, I had work. But I had a shot at breakthrough research of human psychology! Would YOU pass that up? Wait… don’t answer that.
So I came up with a way to mess with their heads. It was so simple… so beautiful.
The plan was to make everyone uneasy. Why mess with one when you can mess with everyone? So I came into office one day… a Sunday to be exact. And asked a co-worker, “How are you doing?” and I smiled the most pathetically friendly smile I could. His eyes widened. “umm… err… I’m good.” And he walked away. Vary. The look on his face was delightful. You see, my co-workers know I’m not a morning person. I feel especially vindictive on mornings. So they have learnt to leave me alone on mornings. The very act of me being all talkative and cheery in the morning was making people… well… unsettled.
I’ll admit, having that smile on my face all the time was hard. But… research had to be done and there wasn’t anyone else to do it.

Day one:

Of course, they were suspicious. I told them I didn’t want to live my life the way I had until that point. Cynical, sarcastic, “rude”, angry and … err… “unpredictable”. I had seen the light. I wanted to make amends. Of course they would be suspicious… they weren’t THAT stupid… sometimes. But I kept it up and by the end of the day, they were becoming a bit comfortable around me.

Day two:

My boys surround me. “What the hell are you trying to do?” they ask. “I am a better person now.” I reply. I put on the corny smile and voila! They were eating out of my hand. I kept advising them not to do evil things and shit. “Dude… whenever you feel like being intimate with your girlfriend, don’t do anything. Its not the right way to go. You know it… I know it.” OR “you can deceive me. You can deceive anyone. But you cant deceive *points up*”By now people had accepted me somewhat. They kept asking me for favors. They kept saying stuff that they always wanted to say, but didn’t, for fear of retaliation. People use nice guys as doormats. This is proof of that. So nice guys out there, don’t be doormats… think of your self esteem. Fuck self esteem. Think of your fucking self!

Day three:

The time was here. This was going to be the last day of niceness. I had to suffer through. The nice guy act was eating away my soul. My research was almost done. Three days was more than enough… well it is for me anyway. They were all soft and ripe for the picking now. They had gone soft. BUT there was ONE guy in my section who didn’t buy my act for ONE second. He even offered to pay me to drop it. Claiming I had disturbed the balance. I just smiled and said, “Its gonna be OK. Trust me.”

Outbreak:

I came into office all smiles. Signed in, and had breakfast with my boys. Shook everyone’s hand, and told them about my research. You should have seen their faces. Some of them were offended, the others were drained of all color. I told them I remember everyone who gave me any shit these days. They’d get theirs. And they did. God knows they did. With interest.

Dynamic personality change can affect your environment quite significantly with amusing results. It was fun to see my office buddies all confused and get all cocky and shit. It was more fun to see them change back. You should try it sometime.

Thin and popular? sheeeeeesh!

Think about this… all you fat people… you were picked on when you were kids… by thin people, and popular people. With their fat jokes. Fat jokes that weren’t so witty. I have the solution for you. Thin jokes. Popular jokes. I’m gonna start all you fat bastards on your way to mocking those thin arrogant popular jerks in a way that they wouldn’t know how to come back from. lets face it... just 'coz you are thin and popular doesnt mean you are immune to mockery.

Notice: for best results, get an accomplice to play along with you. I guarantee you that the fuck-ness level of the victim will be elevated.

For the purposes of display, lets make a fictional character John, who is thin… and Matt, who is popular.

You: Do you know why John was the teacher’s pet?
Accomplice: ‘coz he was handsome?
You: No. He resembled her favorite pencil.

You: Do you know why John likes toothpicks?
Acc: no…
You: He’s very close with his cousins.

You: John won the most efficient janitor award!
Acc: REALLY??
You: yea… he’s also a mop, you know…

You: Do you know Matt is going bankrupt?
Acc: I didn’t know…
You: yea… there’s no market for attention whores.

You: Osama Bin Laden was captured…
Acc: No WAY!!!
You: yea… Matt knows a guy who knows a guy who knows Osama’s left nut.

You: Ever notice Matt’s friends face AWAY from him most of the time?
Acc: I did. Why is that?
You: They know he likes to kiss ass.

There you have it. A starter kit to your comeback arsenal. Long gone are the days when the fatso cowered back when he was bombarded with fat jokes. Now all you fatties revolt in cellulite filled unity!

Don’t say I never did anything for ya!

Tribute to the chef

Behold the cucumber in all its glamour! For the righteous shall call it mustard heaven. Thou shalt kneel at the pudding that flows into the knee of aspirin.

Yonder the pit of tomato seeds and garage doors. Inconspicuous shadows of farts and facial hair. Simultaneous ignition of velociraptor skin and rubber gloves confined to the wall of bleeding noses. Redemption lies in the giggling of twinkle toed keyboards. Ferocious in their attack on toenail shrapnel.

Will the gator tell the brush to flip the tin can of macadamia nuts? When does the hippie come in to wash the brick fudge? Can a pelican hop to the tune of a pot smoking dolphin?

GLORY!! For a man wearing a thong runs on the street singing songs written by a one handed belly dancer. For humankind clarifies distinctive epiphanies are set in coca cola soaked jelly bean covered notepads.

Sex before marriage

Come on... we've all thought about it. most of you... well, SOME of you have actually done it. but no one really talks about it because its "taboo". except jerk guys who brag about their "conquestes". let me tell you... most of the time, the people who brag the most... dont get any. Anyways, I am here today to tell you what I think of sex before marriage.

Sex before marriage is like testing out a product before purchase.


yes. I know. It DOES make sense. Think about it. you go to a shop, you see some clothes you like... you TRY IT OUT before you make a purchase. In case of relationships, you wanna know if the other person "fits" into your life.

Another scenario... the famed xbox 360 and PS3 case. you worry and worry and worry about what to commit to. finally buy a PS3. BUT you then realize the 360 is the one for you. come on... you know what I'm talking about. you need to look around the market and test out these products and see which one suits you best.

come on.. nobody WANTS unpleasant surprises AFTER they get married. Sex before marriage can be used to avoid stuff like:

"Honey... have you ALWAYS had three nipples?"
"THATS what it looks like when its erect?"
"When was the last time you shaved?"
"Is that the garbage truck?"

So you see... all of you who wanna "stay virgin" until you get married... think twice. 'coz if something unpleasant happens, you will think back to this post, and my ego will rise just a bit more.

300 in HD!!

The following is a conversation between Steve and Cindy. Not the same people from my previous post. This just goes to show how ignorant some gals are.

Cindy: Hey
Steve: Hey…
Cindy: I can’t sleep…
Steve: Okay… I’m watching 300 in HD
Cindy: HD?
Steve: High Definition.
Cindy: Okay, I’m hanging up.
Steve: Okay… just don’t think I’m ignoring you for a movie.
Cindy: You kind of are, you know…
Steve: Its 300! In HD!!
Cindy: you’ve seen it a THOUSAND times before!!
Steve: sure, but this time in HD!!!
Cindy: WHATS THE DIFFERENCE??!!?
Steve: OoooOoOokaayyy… I’m hanging up now… Leonidas is talking.
*hangs up*
Leonidas: This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they DIE!

How can Cindy NOT get that Steve was watching 300 in HD? Its like a forbidden pleasure to watch an aweseom special effects movie in HD... like a banana split followed by a double chocolate magnum. Indulgence.

WHY MEEE???!!?!

I would like to take this opportunity to discuss the age old question that gals ask guys. More like a series of questions… as if their ego wasn’t big enough before. I’m sure you guys out there could relate.

Why me? What do you see in me? Why are you with me?

What the HELL? Why do gals need constant re-assurance? ONE time asking this isn’t enough, apparently… constant inquiries at regular intervals like a dosage of prescripted medicine.

Us being guys, of course are attracted to them physically. But its “taboo” to say that outright. BUT… we can’t say its because we like their asses and stuff… well, we can, if we make it sound like a joke. That’s what I do, anyway.

So to recap:
Question: Why me? What do you see in me? Why are you with me?
Answer: Oh, baby, where do I begin? You are smart, intelligent, funny, generous, and I LOVE spending time with you.
Mental answer: Fucking ego queen! Haven’t you asked me this enough times? It was cute the first five times, but EVERY FUCKING TIME we meet you ask me this. In case you didn’t know, this smile I’m putting on is SO fake, it makes dolls look like flesh beings!

I know this is what most guys go through. I know this because I’ve asked around and every 4 out of 5 guys have experienced this. No, I’m not all knowing. And no, I DON’T have a nee to sound all smart. Ok, maybe I’m hoping that people will get pissed off. ‘coz I think pissed off people are funnier than normal people.

In closing, gals, if you ask your guy these questions and he answers oh-so-lovingly, that mental answer is what he’s really thinking about. Because we all know all you want to do is feed your ego.

Possible hiatus...

As I may not be updating as much as I used to in the next few … erm… ok, I know I don’t update THAT often, but as I may update even LESS in the near future due to constraints… mostly time constraints ‘coz of a few projects I’ve been working on, this is me letting you guys know. By you guys I mean you guys who read my blog regularly, bored people looking through blogs, or anyone who clicks a link and find themselves here.

BUT…

I will post if and when I come up with something interesting. You see, this, being my blog, is an outlet for my thoughts. But I feel that you, the reader, deserve to read my thoughts in the most interesting way possible. Which I why you don’t see a lot of in-your-face bitching here. I try to be “creative”. And I sometimes succeed. Or so I’d like to think.

WHICH…

Reminds me about something that has been hovering in my head for a couple of days.

People will do what they can to avoid a confrontation.

Yes. This is true. Most people don’t like confrontations. They even convinced themselves that its “not polite” to confront. You see, if I have a problem with a person, I say it to his/her face. It’s the better way. Better to let the person know what you are feeling than to go around his/her back bitching to OTHER people. This cant be healthy. I will go as far as to say “keeping stuff bottled in is INJURIOUS to health”. If anger management taught me anything, its that explosive anger is waaayyy healthier than implosive anger. The latter has the risk of you breaking and actually killing someone. Or vice versa.

I know this is a cheap post, not normal legacyofpain shit. But it has to be said. I feel much better. Thanx for listening… or reading… whatever.

Adios for now… rock on.

Explicit: Maldivians Only!

Being a Maldivian, I feel that I should write a tribute to Maldives. I choose to praise the Maldivian language, Dhivehi.

The beauty of Dhivehi language lies within its capability to curse and swear. Never in the history of mankind has there been a language in which you can swear so fluently. Its an art, really…
I can be considered foul mouthed… somewhat. I do curse a lot. But it was not that long ago I was ignorant on the beautiful art of the Maldivian language.

Dhivehi is the only language in which you can combine a fruit and an animal and it sounds hideously awesome.
eg: Bilamagu Bakari (combination of pickled cucumber with a goat)
It is used to describe someone who has run out of comebacks (hiuh kollaafa in golaeh)
Instead of saying “dhen thilhaa thi inee huih vefa, bakattaa!” you can say “dhen indhey bilamagu bakatteh hen!” see? Its efficient!

Dhivehi is a language in which you can say something that’s NOT a swear word, but make it sound like a swear word.
eg: Findhana = type of bird. Now add “goh” in front of it and you get “goh findhana”. Voila! Instant swear that’s not a swear!

Dhivehi has the most awesomest curse combos EVER! You can string together so many things together and render the receiver of the swear helpless.
eg.1: Thilhaa dhon ambu osheh buriah jahaigen ove’ athun halaabala, kes himaaru!
An amusing example of a simple combo that can be used to put down a person.

eg.2: nagoobalhaa suvaru ooru himaaru kuththaa kambalhi kambalheege’ dhe’ dharin!
This is an example of something you can use to describe a person to his/her face.

If there was a Ph.D. in cursing, we Maldivians will master it. All hail Dhivehi, the most awesomest, the most cursable language!!

The Burugaa ultimatum

Whats with chicks and burugaa's? Its like a fucking fad. I mean, they wear burugaa, but they lack the principle behind it. Its like this... at least heres how i think how it is...

scenario one: A chick wants to emanate an aura of innocence.
This is the most common of the buruga chicks' motives. Maldivian chicks, although mostly.. umm.. how do I say this in a politically correct way... *ahem* Maldivian chicks, although mostly sluts, like to put on the facade that they are umm... eerrr... "innocent". This is highlighted in my previous article virginity. So buruga wearing chicks swear, smoke, get high, drunk, sleep around. in short, they do what all normal girls do. so why do they need to put on this facade? intriguing, isnt it?

scenario two: "My mom told me to"
The same shit from above goes here. You KNOW that a girl aint gonna be magically BECOME good coz she starts wearing a burugaa. Here, the blame goes to stupid parents. Instead of filling a girls head with propaganda or making an effort to EXPLAIN that getting drunk is wrong, getting high is wrong and sleeping around is wrong, they just tell her to wear a burugaa? im not complaining though, I got no problem with a drunk girl who wants to sleep with me. *winkwink*

scenario three: An actual good girl exists.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

In closing, i want to say that may i wish that this "fad" wears off soon. because us guys like seeing cleavage and thigh. so please, to all the slutty girls in disguise out there... REBEL AND TEAR THAT BURUGAA OFF YOUR FACE!!!

all girls need to be "appreciated". especially if they are hot.

... I'm back...

Hey guys and girls and ladies!! Im sorry about my long absence… I dunno if I was missed, but still I’d like to think I was. Call it ego, for me its just wishful thinking. I was busy with work (duh) and did not have to time to go online, blog, go for coffee or even properly shower. Yes. I was THAT busy. Not that I LIKE being busy…

Anyways, I have some stuff that I wanna let out, but that would have to wait. I’ll be updating a full blown article type thingy very soon. So I’ll cut this gay “what I have been up to” post short and leave you to do your daily routine usual mundane stuff.

P.S. I missed you guys too. *sniff*

Rock on.

ASK IYA

I noticed that in most magazines, they have an “ask *insert name here*” section. In this particular section, people send in letters and stuff, seeking advice for their personal dilemmas from an anonymous stranger. I thought how much fun it would be to have my own “ask Iya” section in a magazine.

This is what I think the end result would look like:

Example #1
Dear Iya, my boyfriend doesn’t respect me. He always teases me in front of his friends and doesn’t consider my opinion in our relationship. What should I do? – Aisha
Jeez! Stop being a fucking drama queen and DO something about it, Aisha. It seems its not your relationship and its HIS relationship. If you act like a damsel in distress you will be treated like trash. Butch the fuck up.

Example #2
My girlfriend and I don’t seem to connect emotionally. But we always go out. I always buy stuff for her when she wants to. When she goes for a coffee with her friends she brings me along and I pay the bill. What’s wrong here? Why can’t we seem to connect? Help me, Iya. I really love her. – Shameem
No offence, dude, but it seems like your girlfriend is a materialistic bitch. She’s just using you to get stuff. She probably has another boyfriend. If you are looking for a “deep” and “meaningful” relationship, dump her ass and get a more mature girl. And don’t give me that “I really love her” speech, you fucking pussy! You make me sick.

Example #3
I have no reason to live. Everyone hates me. My girl left me and my friends don’t really care about me. I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I don’t know what to do. Life sucks. I hate life. – anonymous
The world doesn’t revolve around you. Get over yourself. Shit happens. Life doesn’t stop. Fuck you. I hate people like you who think life sucks. Life doesn’t suck. YOU suck. So what if your girlfriend left you? Who wouldn’t? You sound like an overgrown crybaby! Just get another one. And as for your friends, IF they are your friends, they would care no matter what. You don’t want to kill yourself. You just want attention. Grow a pair of balls, why don’t you?
The most dangerous man is the man who has nothing to lose. Think about that.

**DISCLAIMER**
All people depicted are fictitious. Any resemblance to real life problems of real life people are purely coincidental.
This post is purely humorous and if you dont get the joke, go fuck yourselves.

Penis size theory: Directors cut (ouch)

This is a thought that occured to me the other day. I was drinking my coffee at my usual place,... seagull cafe'. I was with a bunch of friends. A typical guy coffee. we talked typical guy things and I was in a typical guy mentality.

Then, a guy walks in. On either side, he's got two HOT chicks. when I say hot, I mean HOT. The guy looks like he's used to luxury. Then one of my friends ask me, "Why do all the rich guys get all the chicks?"

Maybe it was the caffeine, maybe I'm just wired that way, but I couldnt help saying, "All the money is to compensate for their small penises." Gears startedworking in my head. I had felt this before. Yes. This is familiar. A theory was about to be born. I was amazed that i kept on talking and it made sense... below is the result.

Iya's Theory on the relation of financial well being and Penis size!!

Rich men have small penises. They need to show off. They have girls, but they are materialistic.

The average earner has an average penis. He does good for himself.

The underpaid and overworked have slightly above the average sizes of penises. They might have a hard time providing, but damn, they can satisfy their women.

The people with the biggest penises are STARVING IN AFRICA!!!

My post: analyzed

I have never been analyzed. not professionally, anyway... which my friends seem to think should happen soon. but i HAVE been analyzed blogerically (thats not a word, get over it.)

My post on virginity has been taken for critisizm by Maldivian Critique.

check it out, its written very well, although kinda biased... I didnt know i generated attention like that. It feels nice that my work is appreciated. All the people who read my blog and all the people who comment, thank you. I feel that its overdue. Sarcasm and critisizm are always welcome here. catch you laters.

VIRGINITY

This is not a sexist article. This is about both sexes… is that sexist? I’m not sure… but I’d like to set out there, the fact… that HARD fact about virginity.

GUYS
You see, it’s like this… guys are never virgins. At least they don’t claim to be… in most cases, anyway. Go on, ask a guy. Ask any guy is he’s a virgin. 90% virgin guys will deny being one. Most responses to this question go along the lines of “heck no” or “fuck no” and all kinds of other “no”s. In the rare cases that they DO agree that they are a virgin, its around girls and they want something out of the girl, such as a chance to get into her pants. Hoping that the girl will like him for his “honesty” and sympathize with him and let him ride her for the two seconds that he will. But NEVER around guys, because its “emasculating”.

True story: I know two… no, make that three guys who accept their virginity. But to be totally fair, one of them is clinically depressed, the other one is an uber geek, and I’m not certain about the next one’s sexuality. I realized, as I JUST wrote the last sentence that… damn, I got some fucked up friends! Seriously… funny I never noticed that before… meh. Takes one to know one, right?

GIRLS
Girls, on the other hand, are ALWAYS virgins. Never once will a girl claim to be otherwise… well, Maldivian girls anyway… because they are afraid of being given the label of “slut” or “whore” or something that’s relevant to that category. My theory is, this façade is a girls’ tool of “survival” in the community. I mean, if you care so much about having a clean name, why sleep around? Sometimes girls even don’t tell even their closest friends. That’s fucked up right there. I heard that the infamous “Naraka Fareedha” still moans “dear God, my virginity!” when she’s being “explored”.

True story: I know a guy… lets call him John. He met a girl… ummm … Cindy. So John started talking to her and Cindy claimed to be a virgin, but I knew otherwise, because I knew her Ex, Matt. Matt had told me about his ‘conquest’. Anyways, I didn’t tell John this, because it wasn’t any of my business. But then John came and told be about his ‘expedition’ on Cindy. I’m sparing you the details. John wasn’t that merciful on me. But here’s the kicker in this story… John and Cindy broke up shortly after. And purely by coincidence, Cindy was being called by Steve, another friend of mine. (I know too many people) anyways, and she told Steve she was a virgin too. Thus, the myth of the female virginity.

This observation is just one factor of society. Such is the hypocrisy of the human nature.

What? Me? Quit?

Fellow readers (if I have any) I have started my usual chain of smoking again. Yes. It was inevitable. I can’t stop. There is no hope. But I’m here to tell you that I have tried. So hard. Last year alone, I must have tried about 17 times to quit. But it turns out I’m not a quitter. Which would be a good quality, if it didn’t have a high probability of lung cancer.

I tried to take my mind off of smoking. Rid myself of every lighter, every pack, every cigar. ANYTHING that reminded me of smoking. I felt good. I hadn’t smoked that day… THEN I went to a coffee. Damn, was that a mistake or what? I mean, how stupid could I BE? Smoke flying left and right. And unfortunately my coffee gang has a very diverse taste in ciggies. Marlboros, Calmels, Mild sevens, even Dunhills, for crying out loud! I lasted a total of six hours on that attempt. I had to buy a new pack and lighter, dig out the dustbin for my collectible lighters and cigars. I know… pathetic.

Then I quit again. Cold turkey. Strong will power. I wasn’t gonna smoke. Ever. Yes sir. No more smoke for me. No taste of tobacco. No more going out for a smoke when I’m stressed out. No more flicking my lighter. No more future Zippo plan. I would NOT. No more smell of tobacco. Sweet tobacco. Smooth tobacco. My true companion… by burning friend… aaaaaaannnnd before I knew it, I was smoking a ciggie. 15 minutes, that attempt lasted.

I am a victim of circumstance. Totally. You really can’t blame me. The most successful attempt lasted eight days. EIGHT DAYS!!! I went eight days before the stress got to me. And the most pathetic attempt was the last time I tried to quit. I tried the whole “decreasing dose” method. Let me tell you people… it doesn’t work. It only makes the craving more intense. The damned hippie who came up with that method can burn in the everlasting fires of hell for all I care. When you start smoking less and TRY to decrease the amount you smoke, the desire to light another one always kicks in. Damn!

I guess some people are meant to quit and some people aren’t. I’m just too stubborn for my own good.

Women superior? : My opinion

I'm sorry I havent been with you guys for quite some time. I return with what might be my most gender biased piece yet.
I had an interesting conversation with Bulhaa the other day in shich she claimed that females were the superior on the sexes in terms of knowledge. This intrigued me, somewhat...

For those of you who have already labelled me as a sexist, well.. theres nothing much to be done about that, as I attempt to dismantle the claims made by our beloved Bulhaa.

"Girls are superior in knowledge"
Women say this a lot, this is a misconception. Only they have a need to show that they know something. A superiority complex, if you will... While women waste time trying to outwit everyone by being "clever" and "witty", men dont feel the need to show off intellect. you will notice that girls at a guy coffee will sit quietly most of the time. Of course, we guys dont really get all up in each others faces and make ourselves feel all great and "cool". We have fun, and as a result, girls, being all "knowing" fell that we are... "stupid", when, in fact, we are "funny"

Fun fact:
I hold the record in my circle of friends for most distance achieved for jamming a finger up my nose. This might seem disgusting to most, but still fun.

"Girls can wrap a guy around their pinky"
Let me hit you with some timeless wisdom. There are different types of guys. and the guys you "wrap around your pinky" has an interest in you. but of COURSE u know that already.

Fact: girls openly express disgust for guys who brag about their "conquests".

How is this any different? Girls pick up on when a guy "likes" her and tends to manipulate this emotionally unstable individual for her needs.
common manipulation techniques:
"Hey *insert name here* I'm getting sooooooo late for *insert dramatized situation here* and I'd reeeeaaaally appreciate it if you could drop me off"

"*insert name here, often elongated into multiple syllables* I'm soooo hungry... would you take me to dinner? Yes? oh, and my friends *insert multiple girl nicknames here* will come too! THANX!!"

There are those of us who are unwavered by the suggestive tones of these kinds of people. guys who are smart. Im not talking about booksmart. Im talking Streetsmart. We shall rise and end the tyranny of the evil manipulative suggestive natured females!! UNITE, AND WE SHALL PREVAIL!!! sorry for the outburst, I couldnt help myself. Totally worth it.

So thats it for now... I guess the scratching and eye poking will start now... go nuts!

My first sequel!!

In my latest venture of generalizing and categorizing people, I have, as you all know, started to study and observe groups of people who roam around and sometimes… err… work, at the place where I work. This is related to the previous post in this blog, but this time, I’ll try and be a little short and sweet.
The following are the groups/herds of people that weren’t mentioned in the previous post.

The dick headed water cooler gang
Walking dicks. It is my estimate that every office has one of these. The dick headed water cooler gang is a bunch of guys who gather often and talk about their ‘conquests’. Normally during a smoke or around the water cooler. Conversations revolve around how may girls they ‘banged’ of what a great ass a girl has. Normally the proud boyfriend of more than one girl/woman. A ally of the spice girl type bimbo chicks (see previous post). It can be said based on the speech patterns and behavior of the dick headed water cooler gang members that all they think about is sex. All the time. Devising plans and strategies to get into girls’/women’s pants all the time. Most of these strategies, I must say, work most of the time… unfortunately.

The bitch slapped workaholics
The bitch slapped workaholics are a fascinating breed. He/she gives all to the office… a hundred and one percent everyday. Seldom taking time to enjoy themselves, these creatures reside in the workplace day and night.
True story: there is a recorded event of a bitch slapped workaholic taking a vacation SO THAT HE COULD WORK FROM HOME. No kidding. I know… take a moment to calm yourselves down before proceeding.
The bitch slapped workaholics are the extremists of all work groups/herds. The al-Qaeda of the office area, if you will. You can know if a person is a bitch slapped workaholic if he/she has little to no social life.

The anus wart-ed drama queen
Next to the spice girl type bimbo chick, the next most annoying species in the workplace is the anus wart-ed drama queen. This is a whiny, squeaky little ingrate who is a self centered hypocrite. It is practically impossible to have a conversation with the anus wart-ed drama queen without the conversation tuning into a story about how she bested some problem or her having trouble in her relationship. You can notice The anus wart-ed drama queen by her speech patterns, which resembles the fake dialogue of Maldivian ‘soap operas’ and corny Maldivian movies. Don’t ask.
True story: I have one in my section. Yes. The agony is unbearable.

The lazy assed hippies
The lazy assed hippies are a common breed. Often showing up late for work, sign in, go for breakfast, come back, sit at the PC for 30 minutes or less, coffee break, come back, 30 minutes, lunch break, sign out, go home. This is the most common routine of the lazy assed hippies. Usually a spoiled bunch, who mostly got the job coz their parents talked to somebody who talked to somebody who got them the job. Also, the lazy assed hippie freaks have a much shorter lifespan than any of the species in the work area. Either fired or quit because of extreme boredom.

Hopefully, that’s it on my study of the office wildlife. I kinda felt like the late great Steve Irwin slowly and discreetly looking at the specimens of nature.
Although this is the end of my species study, my workplace is an interesting place. This is not the end of my office stories, people. Be warned.

Office species study

So, I was in my office one day, minding my own business, when out of the blue, it hit me that in my little department, there was a whole variety of people. I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed before… maybe it was because I didn’t really care about my office mates, or maybe it was because I’m stupid… most probably the latter. Yeah. That’s it. This has become a “thing” for me now… generalizing and categorizing people for my own amusement. I started to observe my office mates.

As I observed… I noticed something interesting. I could see individual people and groups. And then I looked around other departments, observing… and I noticed the SAME individuals and groups there too. So, what I have deducted from this is, that what I’m about to put down here is what every office must have… at least I THINK every office has. Please note that these people/groups fall outside the NORMAL people you will find inside an office.

The brown nosed ass kisser
This is the most annoying kind of person/group. Boss worshippers. These people hover around the office pretending to do work, eavesdropping on conversations. They dig up dirt on fellow office mates. The most pathetic kind of person/group. There is a 98% chance of having at least one in every department. As these people have to be observed from afar for my personal safety, I couldn’t really collect much data. The brown nosed ass kisser will have no problem backstabbing a fellow worker. Which brings us to:

The bugger faced chameleon backstabber
The bugger faced chameleon backstabber is a variation of the brown nosed ass kisser, but with a different modus operandi. The bugger faced chameleon backstabber pretends to be one of the gang, while the brown nosed ass kissers act on their own. But the bugger faced chameleon backstabber is a “part of the gang”. Laughing and joking with the others, but always conspiring a way to advance through the ranks of the office by stabbing someone in the back. This is one of the most dangerous species of office life. But fear not. I have devised a way to draw one out. Gather your office gang and start having a casual conversation. Then after a while after everyone is well and comfortable, start making fun of the boss. This will either make him/her uncomfortable or make him/her look desperate to fit in. you see, since the bugger faced chameleon backstabber is a variation of the brown nosed ass kisser, his/ her “respect” for the boss is rooted in to his/ her “heart”. Use this weakness to draw out this dangerous species.

The spice girl type bimbo chicks
It is a well known fact that women like to work in groups. THESE people, however may be the most annoying bunch in office history. The spice girl type bimbo chicks travel in groups too. Noticeable by extremely high pitched giggling and constant loud phone conversations with their boyfriends. Their conversations mostly include new make ups and creams, clothing, television programs, movie stars and how shitty their boyfriends’ are, because he couldn’t afford to buy her that new gold watch she wanted. Poor dear. The spice girl type bimbo chicks like to take constant trips to the bathroom, for reasons that vary from powdering their nose, to doing the actual bathroom business. Don’t ask… you can also notice that the members of this tribe are exceptionally skilled in text messaging. The spice girl type bimbo chicks use their feminine sexuality to entice the office male staff to do their work for them. They are sworn enemies with the overall asshole/bully (see below). While unfit for a professional environment, the spice girl type bimbo chicks are quite popular with management level people in the office. Which is the reason, I believe, for the survival of the species.

The snot brained know-it-all
The snot brained know-it-all was the most entertaining of all to observe. During my study, I encountered at least one from every department in my office. With one in my own department, which was the subject of my study. The snot brained know-it-all is exactly how he/she sounds. A know-it-all with snot for brains. The snot brained know-it-all pretends to be the master of all crafts, and on some level, he/she really believes that. But often, very often he/she gets in way over his/her head and falls flat on his/her face. Identifiable by an overconfident look and utters the phrases like “i know that the best” or “that’s child’s play” mostly around superiors. These groups can be mostly identified by terrified looks in their eyes when tasks are distributed. Go figure.

The wannabe superior butt lick
The wannabe superior butt lick is a frustrating breed. Usually plays protégé to the manager or department head. The wannabe superior butt lick roams around the office looking down their noses at people and barking orders at people, which falls on to deaf ears. Of course no one listens to a wannabe superior butt lick… he/she is a butt lick, for crying out loud. The wannabe superior butt lick usually works very less, but this goes unnoticed, because he/she is usually the boss’s pet. The wannabe superior is popular with the brown nosed ass kissers and the bugger faced chameleon backstabbers.

The overall asshole/bully
The overall asshole/bully is a very reclusive person. He/she spends most of his time thinking up ways to insult, put down, break the spirits of his/her co workers. The overall asshole/bully usually pulls pranks on his/her fellow office mates. The overall asshole/ bully is usually male, although there might be a female somewhere. From what I observed, the overall asshole/bully walks the fine line between being hated and liked. Although his/her antics annoy people and make some people hate him/her, some people look to him/her for a break from the mundane routine of work. Usually the overall asshole/bully is just an asshole. He/she is not popular with the superiors. The overall asshole has a tendency to NOT bend over for managers and department heads, which doesn’t bode well for the boss worshipping groups. The overall asshole/bully loathes anyone who annoys him/her, especially the spice girl type bimbo chicks. All in all the overall asshole/bully is a rebel, and survives just by a marginal technicality most of the time, because, for his/her survival, he/she has an extensive knowledge of office rules and regulations and knows loopholes. This is mostly knowledge passed down from overall asshole/bully to overall asshole/bully.

This completes my study into the life of people/groups inside an office. I wish I could provide a more extensive report, but my break is almost over and I have to go. As for me, I fall under the overall asshole/bully. Yes. That’s me.

So if your office/workplace has any additional groups like these, I’d love to hear from you. look for a sequel to this article in the near future.
Also you might notice that this article wasn’t gender biased. Not one bit. Cheerio!

Smokers' last stand

So... i was smoking the other day... i technically quit, but i still OCCASIONALLY smoke. *ahem* ... I was smoking the other day and i noticed the warning on the pack. Now, i DID see these warnings on the packs before, but this was the first time it provoked me to think... yes, i thought... long and hard on these warnings. And i came to a conclusion...

No, not to completely quit.

I thought of alternate little notes instead of warnings that would be more effective. Let me explain a little bit thoroughly. here is a brief explaination of why the current warnings will not work and why my new and improved warnings will.

Current warnings

Smoking is hazardous to your health.

Yes... the old classic. this has been used so damn much that nobody really gives a damn anymore.

Smokers have a high probability of being diaglosed with lung cancer
but theres still a probability that some smokers WONT be diagnosed with lung cancer. Its this small probability that drives smokers to smoke.

Passive smoking harms non smokers.

Who the fuck gives a damn? if they are concerned about their health, they wouldnt be near smoking smokers!

Smoking may cause defects in your children

Most smokers choose to ignore this as they dont really care about their children born or unborn when they smoke.

Now, for my version.

All smokers of this pack of cigarettes are fags (homosexuals)

I certainly wouldnt smoke something like that... Think about it.. all the homophobes will DEFINITELY stop smoking!!

Smokers' fuck their mothers
who'd wanna be labelled THAT?

Smokers' weiners will shrink

... and thus all self respecting men quit smoking

Smoking makes you look fat

You cant make a woman touch a pack of cigarettes with a gun to her head with this warning!

There you have it... some of the stuff that occured to me during my brief moment of thought. Naturally i didnt think much of it then, but insomnia can bring long dead memories to the surface... this is one such surfaced memory. Call me crazy if you wanna, but if you really think about this, it makes sense.

Workplace lingo

In different places, words and phrases have different meanings. I’m going to prove this by telling you, the readers of my little bloggy, what some words mean in the world and what the same words mean in my workplace. I noticed it the other day thinking about something a co-worker said to me. It’s amazing how they differ… for ME, at least… I am going to give examples where necessary.

Here are some of the most noticeable words and phrases.

Volunteer (real world meaning)
A person who performs or offers to perform a service voluntarily
And that brings us to: voluntarily.
Voluntarily: Done or undertaken of one's own free will

Volunteer (workplace meaning)
To force or blackmail someone into doing something, without any other choice.
Example: “I have volunteered you to *insert task here* go do it. If you don’t, *insert threat here*”

Task (real world meaning)
A piece of work assigned or done as part of one's duties.

Task (workplace meaning)
Whatever work that’s left lying around that someone’s too lazy to do, that can be shoved into junior staff’s faces.
Example: “I need two of our graphics designers to go *insert unrelated, unprofessional task here* and and be quick about it.”

Task distribution (real world meaning)
Distributing tasks among the staff.

Task distribution (workplace meaning)
Shoving tasks up my face.

Birthday celebration (real world meaning)
Celebrating a birthday with loved ones and friends.

Birthday celebration (workplace meaning)
Spending hard earned cash to feed people you are not comfortable with.

Promotion (real world meaning)
The act of promoting or the fact of being promoted; advancement.

Promotion (workplace meaning)
*same as birthday celebration*

Yes, fellow readers… this post is written because of the unjust atmosphere of my workplace. I guess that’s just some of the things I got to deal with to make money… but don’t be surprised if, one fine day you see a bloody rampage reported on the news.

Honest is the best policy?

Honesty may be the best policy. But honesty is not the most accepted policy. People expect you to be honest, but when you are honest… they just don’t accept it. The reason I say this, well… let me tell you in detail…

I am a honest person. I don’t hold stuff in. if a person asks me something, I say what I feel. Like I said, I don’t hold back. For example, a person asks me what I think of that person. And I give an honest opinion. If that person is a pampered, spoilt, rich kid who has no idea whatsoever what a hard life is, but thinks he/she does because he/she is going through a breakup, I say that he /she is a pampered, spoilt, rich kid who has no idea whatsoever what a hard life is, but thinks he/she does because he/she is going through a breakup. OR if a person is a self absorbed, self centered ego maniacal bitch/bastard, I say that he/she is a self absorbed, self centered ego maniacal bitch/bastard. This is wrong… apparently. I am, in fact, supposed to form an opinion, keep it to myself, take the opposite, sugar coat it, and blurt out the opposite, sugar coated one. No, it’s true. I’m not kidding… seriously. That, apparently is how we should voice our opinions. This was brought up by a friend of mine, who thinks life is all about bunnies and cuddly little soft toys. She MIGHT be one of the aforementioned descriptions of people.

Why the hell ask an opinion in the first place? That is what bothers me. If I ask an opinion of someone, I expect to be answered in full honesty. And that’s why I answer THEM (whoever) the way I do. But I end up being “harsh”. So, ok, maybe I am. But this is me. If you are gonna ask me, u better be ready for some truth. So, if you think about it… the truth DOES hurt, doesn’t it? Because we all know what we really are… but when we ask someone what they think of us, its really a test. “am I putting out the right image?” “do they know me for who I am or who I show them I am?” If you wanna hide who you are so much, … stay indoors.

If society wants wool put over its eyes on purpose, I say change the saying that honesty is the best policy. I say nowadays… honesty is the ‘not so smart’ policy. ‘coz they’ll say be honest, but what they really mean is “tell me what I wanna hear”. Well, you might as well, impale me with a hot iron, 'coz that never gonna happen.

FAQ

Lately I have been getting… opinions. Opinions about me, my attitude, my personality, my speech pattern, my choice of underwear… boxers. You name it. People just LOVE to voice their opinions about me. Its great that people do want to let their feelings be known to the world. I encourage it. But hearing the same shit over and over again makes me bored. I will try my best to explain the wonder that is me. Below are some of the questions and comments that are directed at me and my usual response.

Why are you so mean all the time?
I’m not mean all the time. You just suck so much I get pissed off at the very sight of you. That’s why to YOU I seem like I’m mean all the time.

Are you always like this? Bitter and MEAN?
Not always. Now fuck off.

What if when you grow old you are a bitter old man who nobody likes?
Good. There’ll be more space for me. Anyways, why the fuck do YOU care so much?

I don’t like the way you are always negative. Why is that?
Its not that I want to be negative, but you are such a hippie, I have to keep balance.

Everybody hates you.
thats nice to know

I hate you.
… and your point is…?

You scare me.
I’m not changing your diapers if you shit yourself, now…

I want to help you and change you.
**laughter until the person leaves or cries**

People talk about how mean you are behind your back!
**here I encourage the messenger that he/she tell these people to tell it to my face**

Do you derive some sick twisted pleasure out of putting people down?
No. its just that the way you come and squeal like this every time I do, makes me sadistically satisfied. So thank YOU for making my day brighter.

You always think you are right.
Who doesn’t?

Who gave you the right to be a jerk?
I earned it.

You never think about other people’s feelings.
If I didn’t, I would be listening to you drone on about what is none of your business in the first place.

So these are some of the FEW stuff that are thrown at me nowadays. You can imagine my torment. The people I live with… sheeeesh. So if you have a question other than whats been answered, give me a holla.

Girls vs Girls

This is another observation that I... you know... observed. Now, I have talked about how we guys instinctively check out chicks... and i have, explained it from a point of view of a guy. You know how your girlfriend complains when you check out another girl? Not nessecarily when you are with her, but when you hang out with your friends and stuff. But you dont bother too much because you KNOW that she checks out other guys too. well, she does. she might even admit that. but what she doesnt admit is this... she checks out other girls more than she does guys. Yes... its true. No, Im serious. Girls check out other girls. You guys might notice that she looks at girls when you are with her, but you dont mind, because you are thinking of that girl with your girl, painting a dirty picture in your mind. yes, we all know. but dont worry... everyone does it. Its when the girls hang out together it really comes out into play. We guys do it on instinct. We cant really help it. But girls... you know what they do? you are gonna love this...

They bitch.

Yes, they do. "Oh, just look at her! why doesnt she just walk around topless if she wants to show her boobs off?" or "just look at that skank!" and also something along the lines of "oh, those eyebrows look like a forest!". I know its rude to evesdrop, but i was, in fact stuck behind a group of gals one night. And that was some of the stuff i heard. it got me thinking... and i started to listen to what girls say every now and then. Its almost the same...
It is finally out in the open. girls are materialistic. we all know that. even the girls know, even if they wont admit it. But the next time a guy hears complaints that he's checking out girls, tell her this... at least you dont judge them. of course whats gals do is worse than what guys do.We dont judge... we just form a little mental picture and move on. So there.

I REFUSE to believe!

meet Ichigo and Kakashi... both very famous anime characters. ... hey... wait... Kakashi! what the hell are u DOING?? NO!! thats not right! thats not even remotely right!! Ichigo seems to like it!!! damn!! this cant be happening.. NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!! RUINED!!!

Power of caffeine!!

Okay… I’ll get this out in the open. I love coffee. I think it is, in fact, the most ingenious thing to hit earth since… you know… women. Yes, I like them too. Not as much as coffee, though. Because, lets face it, coffee doesn’t talk back, and it’s not as needy as women are. I am not in anyway generalizing on women here. I think all you women are wonderful creatures. So, back to coffee…
These days its become somewhat of a trend to “go to a coffee”. Sure, I like coffee as much as the next guy. During my daily coffee at a certain café, I have observed and interacted with all types of people. And I wish to convey to you, my readers, willing or unwilling… my findings… observations and deductions, if you will. Below are the most common types of coffee’s I have observed.

The business power coffee
This type of coffee is mostly attended by older people, although young up-and-comers are known to make an appearance. The usual banter revolves around business deals and joint ventures with fellow coffee buddies. I have, unfortunately, sat through one or two of these. And as expected, unless you have a keen interest for solid business, you might want to stay away. Its boring. Believe me.

The would-be business power coffee
This is a very common type of coffee. Usually attended by aspiring businessmen. Or in some cases, one aspiring businessman, with young minds he can mold. The usual banter would usually be about unusual or unconventional, but rarely creative forms of new businesses, that would seldom come to be. Deals would be made that wouldn’t go through. Promises will be made that will never be kept. Most of the times the attendees would know that this is so, but go anyway just to voice their dreams. Vaguely of any interest to me, although I get invited to these kinds of coffees a lot.

The music band coffee
Again, this is very common. A band, after a hard jamming session would all go and have a coffee to elaborate more on their skills and criticize each other. Sometimes the criticisms are actually constructive! No, really, it’s true! I have experienced this kind very often. Don’t get me wrong, I love music. Music is a part of me. But after a good jamming, I’d rather just hang out and “chill”. As much as I love coffee AND music, I really think too much of anything is not great.

The hanging out coffee
The most common kind of coffee in the Maldives today. This is my preferred medium to enjoy my coffee. Although there are people around the coffee table, there’s no talk of anything even remotely important. Stress free. These kinds of coffee’s are usually accompanied with lots and lots of cigarettes. And I mean millions. Any non smoker would die of passive smoking immediately, like a cockroach which has been sprayed with “sheltox”. So I wouldn’t recommend a non smoker to attend, unless it is one of those rare cases when none of the people at the table smoke. Good luck with that.

I have to say that I am a fan of the hanging out coffee. After a hard day of work, there’s nothing like a cup of steaming hot coffee, and a few smokes with a couple of friends. Coffee is a force to be reckoned with. Forget the old Hindi movies which say that love is the most powerful thing that binds us. I say its caffeine. I say it’s the bitter sweet taste of a coffee that sets us free.

People can SHOUT!!!!

So i added a shoutbox! its very exciting... im sorry that i've not been posting... but somethings came up and i was deviated from my worldly tasks. i promise the shoutbox is a sign of good things to come and i'll post again soon!!!

c yaz!!

love, iya

the female "accident"

the photos are real. this happened in my office. i came in after breakfast, and noticed a lone chair sitting in the corner... maybe it was intuition, instincts, call it what you will.. there was something wrong with this chair.... i could feel it. i could feel it in my bones. so i approched the chair. slowly. and there it was... the chair had been ... ripped of its dignity. see for yourself..

i was too late to arrive at the scene of the crime although clearly it was ... clear as to wat had happened here. the "evidence" was tampered with. somebody had tried to wash it away. a very weak attempt. pathetic, really. after interrogating everyone in the close proximity, i got a confession out of a femal staff in my department. yes. it is wat it looks like. she had an "accident". a that time of the month accident.

and being the considerate human being that i am, i decided to post a note on the chair so no one would defile themselves on the already sexually harrased chair. another good deed done, another crisis averted.

The "men cant cheat voluntarily" theory

Okay.. im a faithful guy. this is something i thought up the other nite due to lack of sleep. its purely for humor, so u activists can ease off my back.

think from the point of view of a straight man.

we men.. need sex. theres no denying it. you all know this. although some women might deny it, they know wat keeps their men close is the sex.

Women often complain that men look at other women. we dont do this on purpose. its built into our DNA, its written into our very existance. if we see even a HINT of an ass, we're gonna look. we dont do it conciously. our brain picks it up and before even WE know it, we are checking it out. see, its not something we can control. for example: im turning a corner on a street on a bike.. a girl two blocks away catches my eye. DID I KNOW SHE WAS GONNA BE THERE? nope. but the brain picks her up. think abt this.. when i turn the corner, i should be thinking of my safety and checking the traffic first.. but my brain puts BOOTY before SAFETY.

Example: a guy is in a relationship. he gets a chance to have a no strings attached one time only offer from another girl. of course the guys gonna go for it. but the GUY doesnt have a say. its the brain the booty before safety brain that makes the desicion. lets face it.. the brain is the big dog in the body. u know... impulses and desicions and shit come from it.

so we guys trust our brains to make desicions.. whats it gonna say? of course! DO IT!! and we, as people arent technically responsible for our brain's primal actions, ex: breathing, blinking, sex, etc... so based on this... i say guys cant cheat.. voluntarily. its all internal politics.